My colored legs from the color run!!

My trip and race....

Well I did my first 5k of this running season (I don't run in the winter unless its on a treadmill). The race was oh so much fun. It's call the Color me Rad run...as your racing along you get colored cornstarch thrown at you. So you come out looking like an art project gone wrong. And let me tell you I looked a mess (I'll post a pic later). But the race was oh so very very worth it. I had fun and I cannot wait to do it again with my friends back home. While it was fun today  my other friends are a bit more forward than the crowd I was with today. Well at least my crowd back home know and accept every part of me. Today I felt I had to be reserved...one lady had her nose so far up in the air towards me I could see her walnut sized brain. So to make sure I didn't make her un-comfy I made sure to dial it back a bit...which sucked for me but I'm considerate like that when it comes to other peoples comfort level.

If there's one thing in this world I cannot stand about people...its snootiness. Don't sit there and try to look down at me. You are no different than anybody else in this world. Add to it that she was rude and well I was over her quickly. I came a very long distance to hang out with a very good friend than you monopolize his time...overly flirt with him (that I'm in high school and can't control myself fake crap) and than judge me...what the fuck ever. Your damsel in distress, oh save me my life is so fucking horrible, I'm fat (BULLSHIT) Oh pay attention to me cause I'm insecure about being 1 a woman and 2 a sexual being is childish and belittles all women on one level or another. Your type of personality disgusts me and I hate that I had to spend my weekend with you.

Talk about putting a damper on my whole weekend...but I won't let her or anybody ruin it. I had a blast got some sushi (tried a couple new rolls) got the best ever Electric Blow fish (Long Island Ice Tea type drink). Hot tub time and a nice hotel...plus some good times with my girlfriend. Oh and bought new shoes...I oh so love getting new shoes!!!  I loved the state very pretty..maybe next time I'll come down but hit the beaches. Bring the kids and have a good time again. All in all it was a good trip...but from here on out I'll stick to doing races with people who want me to be me. No more stragglers!!!

Now the long drive home....

weird awkward and the truth...

I don't like this I don't like this one bit..but I guess it's how things are. So time to accept it and move on. Not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it anyways so why stress...just continue to have as much fun as I can and deal with this all later....

I have a shower....

And I will use it to my full advantage!!! LOL

I don't hate you....

In fact I will always love you. I understand why you don't want to see me physically. It's too painful. I understand that your not ready to talk. I get that. After all these years you think I wouldn't understand you wanting some time and space to try to gather your thoughts and emotions and than step back into a world with me. I get  you I really do.

I just want you to know this one thing right now. I don't hate you. Honestly I don't. Of all the emotional ways I have ever been I have never hated you and I hope that I never do. I'll admit I've been angry, incensed, furious, enraged, irate, inflamed, crazed, exasperated and every other word for angry you could think of but never have I hated you.

So while I know we are over, we will get divorced we do not belong together anymore, I truly want you to be happy. I want you to find love again. I want someone to experience that love from you that I once got. And in turn I want to experience that type of love again. I want someone to actually crave me. To know that I'm a trustworthy person. That I'm loyal and wouldn't betray them in any way. You and I can never have that type of love again and while I find that sad, I know that one day you will be able to finally truly forgive me and move on. You will be able to love like that again one day.

We have had a great life together. Yes we weren't able to get through the rough times together but sometimes that happens. We are very different people than we were 19 years ago when we meet. We have both grown up and grown apart. We let our marriage go into just get by mode and I cannot live like that any longer.

We have 3 beautiful children together. And I know we'll continue to raise them together. At least in that department we compliment each other as parents. As long as we keep the communication open about the kids I think we'll do alright by them.

I wish I could show you this right now. I do want to email it to you, but I know your not ready. I'm also afraid you'll think that I want you back and no that's not the point of this. I just want you to know that I still want the best for you. I don't want you to hurt...I don't want you to suffer...I think we've done enough of that the past couple years. I want you to live, love and be happy. As I want the same for me....

I love being touched...

I'm a very touchy type of person. All of my close friends get hugs and kisses from me. I've always been that way. Since I was little. I would always hug people. I like that about me. Some people see it as a way that I flirt but honestly to me it's not flirting it's just me. My parents were not the touchy type. In fact any touch from my dad would make me back up 15 feet. Most of his touches ended very forcefully. Even the first time I remember seeing him breakdown and cry nobody would go near him to console him. His mother had just died and nobody would touch him. It broke my heart not only had I just lost my one main source of unconditional love but I watched my dad suffer alone. I knew from that day I never wanted to have those that love me to be afraid to touch me.

So my kids are my cuddle bugs and it has increased since this whole divorce thing. And honestly I love it. I need the cuddles as much as they do. The touch between us keeps me connected to them emotionally. I can sense how they really are doing. They are just like me wanting to be strong for the other. So of course they say they are ok...but I know better. I know C is just confused, he doesn't know what to make of this whole thing. He just wants us back together. J is scared big time. He's afraid his life is going to change drastically. His life is his sports and he's afraid that's going to go away and I promise it will not I don't care if I sleep in the car at practice he'll get his sports. A is harder to figure out I worry about how this is going to affect the way she feels about relationships. Is this going to affect the way she develops her future relationships.

J and I haven't been touchy in quite some time. Yes we would kiss good-bye but it felt like an obligation. Honestly if I didn't kiss him I would get accused of sleeping with others. So I would kiss him even when his breath would turn my stomach. He smelt so bad from smoking. With my last pregnancy I couldn't kiss him in the morning he would make me so sick. Add in that he wouldn't always brush his teeth...ugh... not something I miss.

I do miss kissing and cuddling. I miss it quite a lot. I miss my one really good cuddle friend he's so good at it. So I've been thinking about him so much lately. He's in every one of my dreams. So every time I sleep he's in my thoughts. I really need to make a date with him. Just to be in his arms makes everything feel a bit better even if it's only short term effects...it still feels oh so very good. He's just so yummy and so much fun to hang out with....ugh hopefully we get together really soon...I miss him!!!

Well pissed him off hardcore....

And no it did not make me happy. I really didn't know what else to do. I caught the virus my son had the other night...and I knew I was going to be sick so I left my parents house and came home even though he was here. We fought by text messages I told him I really had no choice...where was I suppose to go. I don't want to make my parents sick, plus my room at my parents is upstairs and there isn't a bathroom up there.

Honestly I didn't want to piss him off and I totally understand him not wanting me here. But I stayed in my room (which he doesn't sleep in here he stays on the couch) and only used the bathroom when needed. I never even saw him. So hopefully he can forgive this but I didn't and still don't see any other way.

I just need to send him an apology email now...