I'm a very touchy type of person. All of my close friends get hugs and kisses from me. I've always been that way. Since I was little. I would always hug people. I like that about me. Some people see it as a way that I flirt but honestly to me it's not flirting it's just me. My parents were not the touchy type. In fact any touch from my dad would make me back up 15 feet. Most of his touches ended very forcefully. Even the first time I remember seeing him breakdown and cry nobody would go near him to console him. His mother had just died and nobody would touch him. It broke my heart not only had I just lost my one main source of unconditional love but I watched my dad suffer alone. I knew from that day I never wanted to have those that love me to be afraid to touch me.
So my kids are my cuddle bugs and it has increased since this whole divorce thing. And honestly I love it. I need the cuddles as much as they do. The touch between us keeps me connected to them emotionally. I can sense how they really are doing. They are just like me wanting to be strong for the other. So of course they say they are ok...but I know better. I know C is just confused, he doesn't know what to make of this whole thing. He just wants us back together. J is scared big time. He's afraid his life is going to change drastically. His life is his sports and he's afraid that's going to go away and I promise it will not I don't care if I sleep in the car at practice he'll get his sports. A is harder to figure out I worry about how this is going to affect the way she feels about relationships. Is this going to affect the way she develops her future relationships.
J and I haven't been touchy in quite some time. Yes we would kiss good-bye but it felt like an obligation. Honestly if I didn't kiss him I would get accused of sleeping with others. So I would kiss him even when his breath would turn my stomach. He smelt so bad from smoking. With my last pregnancy I couldn't kiss him in the morning he would make me so sick. Add in that he wouldn't always brush his teeth...ugh... not something I miss.
I do miss kissing and cuddling. I miss it quite a lot. I miss my one really good cuddle friend he's so good at it. So I've been thinking about him so much lately. He's in every one of my dreams. So every time I sleep he's in my thoughts. I really need to make a date with him. Just to be in his arms makes everything feel a bit better even if it's only short term effects...it still feels oh so very good. He's just so yummy and so much fun to hang out with....ugh hopefully we get together really soon...I miss him!!!
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