Just me rambling...

well the first weekend was horrible for me. I cry at for apparently no reason. I can't eat..I can't sleep well without sleep aids and life in general just sucks. So yea how was your weekend??

J.V. seems to be taking it pretty hard. He begs me not to leave him with his dad and that's hard coming from him. Since he was born it's been him and I. We can read each other's minds. He's so much like me it's really scary. I like to say he's me in boy form. He's my froggy boy...my gift from God literally. It was so hard to get pregnant with him. Such a stressful time. But once I found out I was preggo it was amazing. So glorious..I was always talking to him and rubbing my belly. He always responded to my pokes on his feet through my belly.. he was so very long and such a big baby 9lbs. 13 oz and 22 3/4 inches long. He's always been my cuddler. He would just curl up against me and pass out and he still does that!!

C.R. is 7 and well he just wants us back together. He wants everyone in one house. My miracle baby who isn't suppose to be alive. He was born with a full knot in his umbilical cord. There's no explanation why he still had blood flowing through to him but God saw to it that he made it into my life. What a wonderful addition. My drummer boy who loves music as much as me and has full appreciation of all things superhero. He's such an old soul. You can look at that kid and see his wheels turning. I love how he lets his imagination just so wild and he doesn't care who sees him. I hope he keeps that freedom. It's a mind like his that will change things in this world.

A.A. well she's a teenager. She's pretty much clammed up. I'm not sure where to go with that girl. She's an amazing person. So very loving I know this has affected her but in what way I do not know yet. My other music lover this girl. Such a beautiful kind loving spirit. She takes everything in around here and analyzes it and spits it back in a way only her brain knows how. She thinks on a different level I'm not sure if it has to due with her not talking until later in childhood or not. All I know is she's amazing and I adore her through and through. I remember Fleetwood Mac re-did the dance the summer she was born and I would sing the songs to her and she would just stare and smile at me. The connection between us was and still is amazing.

My greatest guilt feeling right now is feeling like I've let them down. That us splitting up is just going to ruin them forever. But I also know that staying with him for this long has been done for all the wrong reasons. Our children were learning everything from us the good the bad and the ugly. I don't ever want my kids thinking that the way I was treated is how your suppose to treat someone you love. I also don't want them thinking that one person making all the sacrifices is the way it's suppose to be between two who love each other. I hope we all learn better ways to communicate...that their dad  stays just as involved in their lives as he always has been. I want the smallest amount of damage to be done to their lives...let me take this wreck upon myself.