We went to dinner last night and we had a normal civilized discussion. We discussed the things we talked about the other night without getting upset or raising our voices (OK honest time..I didn't raise my voice I'm the loud one!!) We talked about weather we thought this marriage is worth saving...both of us said we didn't know. We know that we love each other and that we have to find a way to communicate for the kids... but both of us feel like we're not sure if we want this continue at this point in time. He did ask if I was willing to do therapy with him (I already see someone one on my own) and I said yes of course. He did say that his thoughts had gotten to the point of thinking all of us would be better without him..he wouldn't say suicidal but I know where those thoughts were headed. He says it was late at night he couldn't sleep and they were fleeting but it scared him that they were still there. I've had many suicidal thoughts and people in my life..I don't think he's a danger at this time. But yes a very watchful eye is opened as well as I asked him to write those thoughts down and take it to his therapist next week. He's being seen weekly for now.
Next was a huge thing for me because I never saw this situation like this and it's something I did to him. I like to write erotic stories. And I have lots of stories where he's the guy I think of while writing. Well my friend W I wrote one for and posted it on fet...I've never posted a story about hubby...that made him so jealous. I never thought about it that way. I did something for a friend that I had never done for him. Now he's no longer on fetlife so I can't fix it all I can do is apologize.
I did tell him if at anytime he needed to cuddle or a hug that I was there for him, but that I didn't want to engage in sex. We've used sex as a cover for far too many years...and it needs to stop. He actually totally agreed. I think removing sex from the situation also removes a lot of stress that he feels. So update for now I still sleep on the couch on the nights that I'm home. We are now talking and being nice to each other and watching our phrasing and word usage in front of the kids. We both were getting a little too mean with our comments about each other in front of the kids. I'm hoping we continue down this path..it actually feels healthy!!
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