Hubby and I have had many discussions over the past week or so. We are suppose to write down 5 caring things we will do for each other and of course he got his done quick..me I'm having a hard time. If I have to spell it out is it worth it??? Now he's pushing me to get it done...and well honestly that makes me go slower. I just don't want to throw some things out there...I want to think about it and make an honest and true statement. I work every night and have meetings during the day so I'm exhausted but none the less he's pushing so I'm dragging my feet now.
He's currently going through another phase of insecurity..thinking that I'm doing things behind his back again. With him in this phase you would think he would go to the therapist this Thursday and work those feelings out but nope he cancels saying he's doing so well that he can go every 2 weeks. WTF??? I have been trying to reassure you for the past year that I'm not doing things behind your back what makes you think I can do it now??? He's back to making no sense....I did move back into our room thinking I need to move back out before we blow again. He sent me his blog saying I needed to read it so I did and this is where this info is coming from. He admits in the blog that he's just waiting for me to cheat on him again...fucking seriously dude!!! So from his blog he now really wants to read mine not as a way to control but a way to communicate. Guess what..NO..AGAIN I SAY NO...this is my place...my thoughts and feelings raw and uncensored and if you had access I wouldn't even do this!!!!
With him off of fetlife he wants access to my phone again (put a screen lock on it changed all passwords). He continues to say he doesn't care about my cheating last year that it's over. No controlling, no looking over your should, no pushing, no fighting, no saying one thing and doing the opposite. That we need to put everything into one pot..secret and non secret. Guess what buddy you know EVERYTHING...YOU HAVE FOR MONTHS!!! What do I have to do to make you believe that...I keep saying it over and over and over again...I'M TIRED OF THIS. It's like it's never going to end!!!
So once again...No he's not going to get my blog. It's my space it's my venting it's my crazy world that's inside my brain. I feel free here like no other place..besides subspace...nothing matters here I can say what I want and how I want to say it and it doesn't affect anybody!!! I love it it's my freedom!! No you cannot have my phone..it's mine..you have no business being in it...I show you my conversations with my friends.. I tell you about their lives when you ask. I'm not keeping secrets but I access this blog with that phone and I don't want you knowing this blog so its off limits.
If I'm already feeling this way and he wants to take me out Friday night to a place where we don't come home till Saturday afternoon...I'm afraid of what's going to happen... I'll try to keep this updated better.. it's just been quite busy!!!
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