I don't hate you....

In fact I will always love you. I understand why you don't want to see me physically. It's too painful. I understand that your not ready to talk. I get that. After all these years you think I wouldn't understand you wanting some time and space to try to gather your thoughts and emotions and than step back into a world with me. I get  you I really do.

I just want you to know this one thing right now. I don't hate you. Honestly I don't. Of all the emotional ways I have ever been I have never hated you and I hope that I never do. I'll admit I've been angry, incensed, furious, enraged, irate, inflamed, crazed, exasperated and every other word for angry you could think of but never have I hated you.

So while I know we are over, we will get divorced we do not belong together anymore, I truly want you to be happy. I want you to find love again. I want someone to experience that love from you that I once got. And in turn I want to experience that type of love again. I want someone to actually crave me. To know that I'm a trustworthy person. That I'm loyal and wouldn't betray them in any way. You and I can never have that type of love again and while I find that sad, I know that one day you will be able to finally truly forgive me and move on. You will be able to love like that again one day.

We have had a great life together. Yes we weren't able to get through the rough times together but sometimes that happens. We are very different people than we were 19 years ago when we meet. We have both grown up and grown apart. We let our marriage go into just get by mode and I cannot live like that any longer.

We have 3 beautiful children together. And I know we'll continue to raise them together. At least in that department we compliment each other as parents. As long as we keep the communication open about the kids I think we'll do alright by them.

I wish I could show you this right now. I do want to email it to you, but I know your not ready. I'm also afraid you'll think that I want you back and no that's not the point of this. I just want you to know that I still want the best for you. I don't want you to hurt...I don't want you to suffer...I think we've done enough of that the past couple years. I want you to live, love and be happy. As I want the same for me....