This is truly madness...in every sense of the word. I try to include him in my relationships that he says do not bother him at all. He has asked that all I do is be honest and keep him in the loop.I'm sitting in the bath reading to him an exchange between a friend and myself..he gets down on his knees and starts to read what I'm reading...annoying?? YES OR NO you answer... the answer for me is YES without a doubt YES!!! So I asked him to back off...please stop reading over me like that (yes we've discussed this before) he walks out... mad
This text exchange had nothing to do with sex. AT ALL..it was how my friend is dealing with a difficult situation. I've been worried for my friend and hubby knew that. I was trying to keep him updated on what has been going on. Plus he asked about this friend.
Now let me tell you how I cheated on my husband. I played online through emails with a Dom. I took pictures of myself in sexual positions of all sorts and sent them to him. I used my phone to do this so my phone is always under scrutiny, understandably. My hubby has time and again gone through my phone, my personal writings that I have (until now with this blog) NEVER shared with anyone. My writing (I write stories) have always always been very personal and up until I got caught cheating I was given at least that much privacy. I understand not getting much privacy after getting caught. I've handed him my phone and said to look he keeps saying he doesn't want to look..that he trusts me...than why do I feel like I'm under the microscope? I feel as though I'm constantly watching out for how he's doing. Like its my job to make all stress and all things that could upset him not happen or at least lessen the blow for him. WHY? Why do I take that all on me...well honestly because I love him and I try to make his life easier..which in turn makes my life all the much more difficult. Now how to fix this...I have no clue and frankly I'm tired....
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
well Monday didn't go too well....SURPRISE!!!
The sex was fine this past Monday..it was fun, but something was just off. He kept saying how nervous he was... We've been together for 19 years why would you be nervous? Yes I do ask these questions and honestly no answer is ever given. He's not the type that can express himself very well. Very quiet, soft spoken and really has to have a lot of time to process and grasp new emotional situations.
We've always enjoyed our sex life... we've had our ups and downs...I went through a period of time that sex was just horrible for me. I hated it. I was having issues getting pregnant and all the emotions that go along with that made me hate sex for a time. And lately the issues have been with him and having ED (erectile dysfunction). I know my cheating has exasperated his ED but no it's not the cause. He's been to many Doctors and nobody has an answer why it's happening but it is.
But Monday was just proof to me that we aren't clicking at all. It all started off just fine. Kissing and having fun but when it came down to the kinky stuff it's like he tried to do every kinky thing he could think of and as quickly as he could. He started to flog me and while our flogger isn't the heaviest it felt great to me. Started going into subspace and than he stops. Totally killing it for me. Than add to it that the ED kicked in and well that made it end in mutual masturbation. Which is fine but what happened next got me.
He took Monday off...kids are in school...think some cuddling something related to spending time together. Nope went downstairs played xbox and took a 3 hour nap....THAT'S WHAT MADE MONDAY SUCK. And yes I'm bitch enough to tell him Monday sucked unfortunately I decide to share that while in a fight over something else. I know my delivery sucks.... now finding a way to fix this..not sure if we can do this on our own. Are we beating a dead horse? Does this just need to be done and over with? All questions I have no answers too. I know I love him but can I continue living under his microscope and scrutiny? I understand that I cheated but to constantly be reminded that I did this is really wearing on my nerves.
We've always enjoyed our sex life... we've had our ups and downs...I went through a period of time that sex was just horrible for me. I hated it. I was having issues getting pregnant and all the emotions that go along with that made me hate sex for a time. And lately the issues have been with him and having ED (erectile dysfunction). I know my cheating has exasperated his ED but no it's not the cause. He's been to many Doctors and nobody has an answer why it's happening but it is.
But Monday was just proof to me that we aren't clicking at all. It all started off just fine. Kissing and having fun but when it came down to the kinky stuff it's like he tried to do every kinky thing he could think of and as quickly as he could. He started to flog me and while our flogger isn't the heaviest it felt great to me. Started going into subspace and than he stops. Totally killing it for me. Than add to it that the ED kicked in and well that made it end in mutual masturbation. Which is fine but what happened next got me.
He took Monday off...kids are in school...think some cuddling something related to spending time together. Nope went downstairs played xbox and took a 3 hour nap....THAT'S WHAT MADE MONDAY SUCK. And yes I'm bitch enough to tell him Monday sucked unfortunately I decide to share that while in a fight over something else. I know my delivery sucks.... now finding a way to fix this..not sure if we can do this on our own. Are we beating a dead horse? Does this just need to be done and over with? All questions I have no answers too. I know I love him but can I continue living under his microscope and scrutiny? I understand that I cheated but to constantly be reminded that I did this is really wearing on my nerves.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Frustrated....
Well I almost opened up and told him about this blog...but he had another panic attack about our marriage. He found out I have a 4 day weekend coming up and he freaked...now let me explain why. I have a friend who's kinky and he wants to scene with me. We are attracted to each other and with my history hubby feels by this relationship. Now my friend just had MAJOR surgery..I'm talking MAJOR recovery time he won't be himself for at least 6 weeks..but hubby is so fearful that I'll go see him on Monday that he has now taken Monday off to spend the day with me. He wants to do all sorts of kinky stuff (stuff I like to do and so does he just with kiddos it's very difficult to do it here at home). I'm really not wanting to do it. I love him dearly but he cannot hurt me the way I desire to be hurt. I love to have marks left on me and he's never been able to handle doing that to me. I understand leaving marks on someone you love can be different. Maybe I'm expecting too much. He's such a gentle soul, kind loving and an awesome dad...I'm just craving more than I think he can give. I'll give him the chance keep my mind open and try to be positive...wish me luck!!!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
I went MIA sorry
A very new but near and dear friend of mine got very ill and while thankfully he is all right it was quite the ordeal. He could never do anything the easy way (he's quite the character) and this health issue has proven that point to me!!
At one point I thought I was going to lose him and that scared me terribly. I mean shook me to my core. I couldn't imagine being his wife and children. They are beyond exhausted all of them and I've been trying to be a good friend and help take care of him. Yes one of my character traits is I'm the care taker imagine that!! LOL Anyways tomorrow is the day he gets out of this place and onto recovery from home!! So excited for him for 1. to be here on earth still with us 2. that he can and will recover 3. to know that I'm going to stick around a good bit longer as this week has proven that I do very deeply care and love him.. *KISSES* my friend...
At one point I thought I was going to lose him and that scared me terribly. I mean shook me to my core. I couldn't imagine being his wife and children. They are beyond exhausted all of them and I've been trying to be a good friend and help take care of him. Yes one of my character traits is I'm the care taker imagine that!! LOL Anyways tomorrow is the day he gets out of this place and onto recovery from home!! So excited for him for 1. to be here on earth still with us 2. that he can and will recover 3. to know that I'm going to stick around a good bit longer as this week has proven that I do very deeply care and love him.. *KISSES* my friend...
to my love, my life...
When I say that I want to make myself happy it doesn't necessarily mean that
I'm currently unhappy. I'm happy with our house..kids..sex life...it's just in
certain areas that I'm unhappy. I can no longer lean only on you as my one and
only friend. You will forever be my best friend my one and only soul mate. We do
so many things "right" that I cant imagine my life without you! But the things
that we do "wrong" are tearing us apart.
I need that friend that I can vent to about ALL things..vanilla and kink..kids
or just to wonder what the fuck is going on in your head?? I need the type of
friend that will tell me exactly what they think (not what they think I want to
hear). I want a friend that will call me on my bullshit. With women it seems I
have a hard time making a connection at all..I've told you for years that I get
along with men better than women. Plus if I was talking with another man who
just wanted to get into my pants I could see where that would be an issue.
I found a great friend in W. If anything he wants you and I together and
doing things right more than anybody else I know.And he doesn't want just into
my pants. He truly cares how I'm feeling,how your feeling and what's going on in
our lives. I wish you could look past that he's "kinky" and see him as I see
him. A kind, generous, loving person who cares for his friends greatly and
wonderfully.
I'm hoping we can work through this all...it's a whole new territory for us. I
need to spread out a little. I don't want to leave but I need some space for
me.I think we would both benefit getting a break. Maybe one night a month we get
alone time..a night with no kids no worries and no 100 questions on what your up
to. Just get away and relax!! I think it's so very important we do this. And I
mean we do this without each other as well. Get a total break from everything.
I want you to know that without you my world would be crushed. I need you like I
need to breathe. But that me needing another friend in this world isn't a bad
thing. You say I have a ton of friends yes I do...but very very limited know
about the kink and even than they are people who just really want to play with
me..not get to know me. And most live on the west coast. Yes I love chatting on
the phone with them, but there's nothing like having a friend close by that will
give you that hug you so desperately crave!
I hope this helped clear up some stuff
love you,
ME
When I say that I want to make myself happy it doesn't necessarily mean that
I'm currently unhappy. I'm happy with our house..kids..sex life...it's just in
certain areas that I'm unhappy. I can no longer lean only on you as my one and
only friend. You will forever be my best friend my one and only soul mate. We do
so many things "right" that I cant imagine my life without you! But the things
that we do "wrong" are tearing us apart.
I need that friend that I can vent to about ALL things..vanilla and kink..kids
or just to wonder what the fuck is going on in your head?? I need the type of
friend that will tell me exactly what they think (not what they think I want to
hear). I want a friend that will call me on my bullshit. With women it seems I
have a hard time making a connection at all..I've told you for years that I get
along with men better than women. Plus if I was talking with another man who
just wanted to get into my pants I could see where that would be an issue.
I found a great friend in W. If anything he wants you and I together and
doing things right more than anybody else I know.And he doesn't want just into
my pants. He truly cares how I'm feeling,how your feeling and what's going on in
our lives. I wish you could look past that he's "kinky" and see him as I see
him. A kind, generous, loving person who cares for his friends greatly and
wonderfully.
I'm hoping we can work through this all...it's a whole new territory for us. I
need to spread out a little. I don't want to leave but I need some space for
me.I think we would both benefit getting a break. Maybe one night a month we get
alone time..a night with no kids no worries and no 100 questions on what your up
to. Just get away and relax!! I think it's so very important we do this. And I
mean we do this without each other as well. Get a total break from everything.
I want you to know that without you my world would be crushed. I need you like I
need to breathe. But that me needing another friend in this world isn't a bad
thing. You say I have a ton of friends yes I do...but very very limited know
about the kink and even than they are people who just really want to play with
me..not get to know me. And most live on the west coast. Yes I love chatting on
the phone with them, but there's nothing like having a friend close by that will
give you that hug you so desperately crave!
I hope this helped clear up some stuff
love you,
ME
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Working to fix a mistake
Hubs and I have been going through a rough year. It all boils down to me cheating. Yep I'll admit it I'm a cheater. I was exploring sexually online...meet a man and started a relationship. Why did I do it? Well honestly I was embarrassed by being turned on by kinky sex. I wanted to experience it so much and I was afraid of being judged by him, so I found someone willing to online play with me. I thought I could get away with it but apparently I suck at hiding things on the computer!! I never meet this online guy in person. But there's one thing I will not debate..what I did was and is cheating. No if ands or butts in my mind. I betrayed the trust my hubs had in me. I'll forever be sorry about the whole thing. I will never forget the look on his face when I finally admitted to what was going on.
Here we are about a year after it happened and the fallout is still raining down. While we have made many changes in our marriage it's dealing with those changes that have proven to be the hardest. He doesn't like change (not many people I know are thrilled with change). So I still walk a very fine line. He needs lots of reassurance, lots of talks, lots of lovin...and I try my hardest to give it all to him. Even days when I feel like I just can't do it anymore. How many more times do I have to hear that you are just freaking out and your mind is running. I'm not going anywhere...I always come home to you...really you can't stand even one day away from you?? I try to remember that the trust between us has been wiped clean that there's none left and to build that up I have to be patient, kind, loving, understanding and TALK TALK TALK. Where do we go from here? I know where I want to go...now to get us there!!!
Here we are about a year after it happened and the fallout is still raining down. While we have made many changes in our marriage it's dealing with those changes that have proven to be the hardest. He doesn't like change (not many people I know are thrilled with change). So I still walk a very fine line. He needs lots of reassurance, lots of talks, lots of lovin...and I try my hardest to give it all to him. Even days when I feel like I just can't do it anymore. How many more times do I have to hear that you are just freaking out and your mind is running. I'm not going anywhere...I always come home to you...really you can't stand even one day away from you?? I try to remember that the trust between us has been wiped clean that there's none left and to build that up I have to be patient, kind, loving, understanding and TALK TALK TALK. Where do we go from here? I know where I want to go...now to get us there!!!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I have been given a gift...
A gift of time and a kick in my ass to start this blog. I've been talking about blogging for years and with the events of this past weekend I've been given the kick I needed to do what I've been needing to do for years. So please give me time and I will post my life as much as I'm willing to share and probably a lot more than anybody would ever want to know!!!
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