well Monday didn't go too well....SURPRISE!!!

The sex was fine this past Monday..it was fun, but something was just off. He kept saying how nervous he was... We've been together for 19 years why would you be nervous? Yes I do ask these questions and honestly no answer is ever given. He's not the type that can express himself very well. Very quiet, soft spoken and really has to have a lot of time to process and grasp new emotional situations.

We've always enjoyed our sex life... we've had our ups and downs...I went through a period of time that sex was just horrible for me. I hated it. I was having issues getting pregnant and all the emotions that go along with that made me hate sex for a time. And lately the issues have been with him and having ED (erectile dysfunction). I know my cheating has exasperated his ED but no it's not the cause. He's been to many Doctors and nobody has an answer why it's happening but it is.

 But Monday was just proof to me that we aren't clicking at all. It all started  off just fine. Kissing and having fun but when it came down to the kinky stuff it's like he tried to do every kinky thing he could think of and as quickly as he could. He started to flog me and while our flogger isn't the heaviest it felt great to me. Started going into subspace and than he stops. Totally killing it for me. Than add to it that the ED kicked in and well that made it end in mutual masturbation. Which is fine but what happened next got me.

He took Monday off...kids are in school...think some cuddling something related to spending time together. Nope went downstairs played xbox and took a 3 hour nap....THAT'S WHAT MADE MONDAY SUCK. And yes I'm bitch enough to tell him Monday sucked unfortunately I decide to share that while in a fight over something else. I know my delivery sucks.... now finding a way to fix this..not sure if we can do this on our own. Are we beating a dead horse? Does this just need to be done and over with? All questions I have no answers too. I know I love him but can I continue living under his microscope and scrutiny? I understand that I cheated but to constantly be reminded that I did this is really wearing on my nerves.