Beautiful

He called me beautiful.... repeatedly... *blushes*

Just got told to be happy.. I'm trying!!

And here's how he schooled me:

But you have to remember: you choose to follow a life that's going to make you happier. You know where you're going. He's still lost. And stupid.

Love you F and Thank you for picking me up and putting me back on track!! *KISSES*

WTF Happened???? I'm living in bi-polar HELL

I do not understand what the hell happened. We had some good and positive conversations this week. We talked about kids, what each of us wanted out of this divorce. Than this morning BOOM it's back to non-talking, tension filled, HELL... I hate when he's like this cause even though he tried to fake it near the kids.. THEY CAN TELL!!! They know how to read each of us. Both boys asked what was wrong with him and my daughter rolled her eyes when I asked where he was. Said "outside in his MOOD again." 

Top if off our youngest went away for the night and he let him leave without saying good-bye to me. WTF seriously..I didn't have to be so nice to loan you  30 fucking dollars this week....I don't have to call and make sure your awake every morning....I even made your fucking favorite dinner and got the cake for your fucking birthday and you continue to shit on me like this. Screw you...I don't have to be so nice I can make you living here a nightmare...

BUT that's not me..I want this marriage to end with us remaining friends. I'm not as low as you. I'll take the high road and pray one day my kids see how you truly behave. I'll continue being nice BUT if you ever were to read this...I'm glad this is ending..because the way you behave I wouldn't be that nasty to my worst enemy. I hope one day someone treats you just as bad as you've treated me. At least I can look at today and use it to point out to my kids remember how dad treated me that day....that's why we didn't stay together!!

The start of the downfall.... (wow this went long)

I guess most people believe that if a man has erectile dysfunction that it must be devastating to that man. While I'll never dispute how horrible it must be for a man to have this issue I want to look at how it effects the woman.Well I guess I don't want to look at it, I want to explain it. My soon to be ex-husband suffers from this and yes it has a good portion to do with why we are divorcing.

When we first got together our sex life was amazing just like most couples. We did it multiple times a day, experimented and yes we were even a bit kinky back in the day.Than with growing up and kids, jobs, stress of mortgage payments, him going to college.. well sex took the back burner. Looking back I remember that there were times we'd be having sex and all of a sudden he'd get a pain and there went his erection. Most times it happened with me on top and being a heavy girl I thought it was due to me being too heavy. So much so I refused to get on top. I'm still afraid of hurting someone under me. I wonder now if it was the beginning of his disorder.

Than we went through infertility. That's the time in which I didn't work right and I remember how I felt. Less than whole, un-sexy, un-womanly and just a basic blah about myself and how he could do better with another. I knew he wanted children and while we had 1 I knew he wanted more. His family was never really super close and he always said "what's inside our walls is my family nothing else matters". We needed more within our walls. So the pressure was on me. I went through a few phases...sex was to make babies and that was it. It wasn't fun it wasn't pleasurable it was babies, babies babies!!!! Every month that I didn't get pregnant was like a knife in my heart. All the pregnancy tests I took that were negative where shrapnel to my already open wounds. So yes I totally understand his perspective of "not working right" and how frustrating and ego blowing it can be.

Than I hit 33 years old and WOW oh WOW...what a difference a few hormones can make. Add in we're done having babies and he's fixed no fear of getting pregnant and I'm a fucking machine. Than his ED takes full affect. It's a huge road block. I feel bad for wanting sex. He feels like he's not satisfying me and we just keep going in this huge horrible cycle. So being that I'm home alone all day my porn viewing activities rises. My masturbation increases so much so I make myself sore at times. When we do attempt sex most times it ends with mutual masturbation anyways. So I might as well please myself whenever I want. Let's jump ahead I'm 35 and he still hasn't seeked treatment. I've been reading erotic literature for a while and I'm fascinated by the kinky side of things. I discover Fetlife and the whole world opens up for me. There's lots of people out there who think like me. Who want to play and discover...only I still have a sexual repressed hubby who won't get help and feels like shit if I mention sex.

I don't tell him about fet. I go on and live out the sex life I dream about in fantasy. I feel guilty, dirty and just downright odd. I can't turn my hubby on. He will be hard one minute and the second I try to suck him off it dies. If I move it dies. I feel as though its me. Have I gotten too fat...am I not interactive enough. Does he not find me attractive anymore. Am I too bitchy. I try everything to keep him happy and stress free. I do all the housework and try my hardest to keep the kids out of his way. I make sure he has nothing to do except to relax and maybe mow the yard every once in a while. I start to feel like the maid, the servant and while I'm naturally submissive...inside I'm so fricking angry there's days I just want to hurt him.

Finally after one bad night of a panic attack he seeks help for his panic issues....than doesn't follow through with the treatment. He loves to diss my brother for being bi-polar and not keeping himself on the meds... yet he won't stay on them either. He says it kills his erections when honestly he hasn't had erections to begin with. I ride this roller coaster daily with his mood swings and his over reactions to normal everyday typical stresses. With no help around the house from him, with me keeping all stress to myself and not getting the emotional support I need from him...I start a Dom relationship online. I finally open up about the kink. Talk to him about dungeons and that I really want to go to one to help us with our sexual issues.

When he finds out about this other side of me, is when he finally gets help for his ED. He gets the pills..fills the script says they are too expensive yet than takes 2 at a time. Than he never fills the script again. I go through the process of figuring out all the natural food supplements he should take to help support a healthy blood supply and flow and than he won't take those pills. It's like he was setting us up to fail.

I'm made to feel guilty for thinking about sex, wanting sex or that I masturbate too often. Now all of sudden I'm accused of fucking every walking man in our county. That I can't control myself and that I'm a siccko for wanting kinky sex. Next thing I know I'm not allowed alone...he goes everywhere with me...even the grocery store.


We attend dungeon parties together. But as soon as another man shows a bit of interest we have to leave. I had one comment on my shoes and hubby freaked! We go to the dungeon with promises of play to leave un-played with and confused. Get home and go to sleep. Cry myself to sleep thinking I've done something wrong to have him totally turned off by me. After seeing this "live porn" happen right in front of us to be totally not turned on, utterly confuses me.

I live in a constant state of confusion, one that he won't explain though I try to understand. Finally I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of the hurting I'm tired of the pain. We've tried working through this. I can't take the demanding needs of a man who constantly needs reassurance, who treats me like a second class person for one mistake. Yet than mood swing and I'm his mom who does everything for him. He doesn't even have to wake himself up. It's my job to make sure he goes to work on time...our 15 yr old can get up and get herself ready for school..makes her lunch and if I work over..makes his lunch and coffee...hell Cinderella at least had the mice to help her.

So those of you who've asked what happened...that's it in a nutshell. There's other issues we have. The demise of our 19 years of being together started and ended with sex... lack of it, need of it and both of us tired of hurting the other person...

Scary as hell.... but I made it through

And boy do I ever feel better now. First off I'll explain. Tuesday we had our first court date to decide the temporary orders of his requests in our divorce. He asked that he get sole custody, the use of the marital home (have me move out) and spousal support along with child support. Yea he got none of that.

We never even saw the judge. Our lawyers talked went to the judge he said alright and everything was set. We signed up for mediation and a parenting class that we have to take. Than it was time to go. No big deal all said and done. Hour and a half and we were done. Now we have to get a joint checking account (we've had our money split for years too many fights). Plus add in that we only get 50 dollars a week spending money. I really hope this ends soon.

But being that I've never been through this before I was still scared nervous and just in general freaked out. I had a few friends that wanted to go to court with me...I wouldn't let them. I married him on my own I can split from him on my own. (he had his dad with him) Not to say I didn't almost burst into tears numerous times during that morning. I had my phone and thank God I had bars!! I had some conversations with friends as well as this video http://ow.ly/k5Tn5 to keep me calm. It wasn't so much the hedgehog...even though he's adorable...it was the person behind the hedgehog. He's good for keeping me calm and thinking clear.

My family has also been very supportive. I love that they aren't into bashing on Jon either. They don't like how he filed wish he would of done it the cheaper route. But they know his parents are behind his decisions now.

As for my in-laws. I'm so glad my kids are seeing through them. They've been taking the kids out and buying them stuff...My daughter asked "so they think they can buy me"...she just rolled her eyes and said..."I'll use them for it but it doesn't change that they have not been there up until now." I love that she sees that. I do tell her that they love her which I don't doubt they do love them...but they prefer to love with money.

Now to get along living in the same house. I'm no longer going to my parents every night. I thought that it could be perceived that I was leaving my kids 6 nights a week. Plus the order says we must live together. So we better do it. This is going to be rough but as long as both of us are reasonable and work towards getting this done quickly it shouldn't be all that painful...yea right don't pop my delusional bubble people!! I like living in here some days!!! 

tomorrow is the first of many big days...

We go to court for the temporary orders from the judge. I'm torn between looking forward to it and and being scared to fucking death. I know I've done nothing at all to jeopardize my kids staying with me..but you hear those horror stories, and it's hard not to listen.

Here's what I think is going to happen. We're going to be put under a "under the same roof order" we have to live in this house till all the decisions about the divorce, custody and money divide happens. There's really nothing I want beyond my kids. Give me them and we'll be just fine. Honestly we've made it through this far with you only being a contributor of money I'm sure I'll struggle but I can take them the rest of the way.

I was thinking of all the things we've done as a family and honestly very few things come to mind. You see J wasn't all that interested in me until I wanted to leave. In fact most family vacations I've done alone. He rarely watched the kids when they were babies. I know for a fact he couldn't get any of them to their Doctors office or dental office....he just met the boys teachers 2 weeks ago at their school function. He doesn't know where shot records are, birth certificates or social security cards. Heck in the papers he sign JV's birth date is wrong in every single spot and C's birth date is wrong in one spot. Yet he wants full custody with child and spousal support...why did he have to go for that.

Why didn't he just do the shared parenting. I don't want to take the kids from him...ever. He's not a horrible person. He's just not the person for me. But most who know me know I won't take this lying down. I'll be in court tomorrow ready to fight. I won't fight for my pride, or to keep us together...I'm going to fight for what's fair...my kids...no amount of taking them out, having your parents buy them things, or taking them places you've NEVER taken them to before is going to change the way you've interacted with them their whole lives. Your a day late and a few dollars short.

I'll let you all know how tomorrow goes...weather from here or the 5 o'clock news...JUST KIDDING...

I'm the hero of this story and I don't need to be saved...just cuddled

well my blog proved a point..my gut reaction was to think he really wanted all of what was written in the papers that I got served with. I finally found a lawyer who's a really nice guy. Hopefully I can get the money together by Friday to retain him. But he explained that basically everything in those papers is typical legal lawyer talk. His lawyer is of course going to try to get him everything. So she put everything plus the kitchen sink in the papers. So really I'm not sure what he wants. I thought we were going to do a disillusion with bankruptcy and foreclose on the house. So now I'm in a total confused state..which honestly is nothing new. I've been so confused by him for so many years now. It's like living with 3 different people.

My parents are standing strong behind me. They were trying to stay neutral but after the wording in the papers my dad is pissed off. I try to defuse him but that's not easy. My mom is being really strong for me but I know she's disappointed. She's worried about money and the kids. I'm worried about my kids. Everything else will work out and I know deep down they will be essentially be alright..but still I'm worried. I don't really care about much besides making sure my kids are the least affected by this as possible. I'm not disillusion I know they are going to be impacted in some form or fashion. I'm just trying to make sure that as they grow that maybe they see something positive about how this all goes down. I want them to look back on my behavior and maybe just maybe say Mom did that right.

Is this where I imagined my life would be...NO... Why are you so upset? Isn't this what you wanted?... yes this is what I want to happen...we need to both split and be able to heal...why am I  upset...it still hurts. To look at my kids and explain that their lives are changing forever well dammit that hurts. To read the papers that say he's afraid of me..well honestly that hurts too...Him going against the disillusion and what we talked about before. For him to not talk about anything except if it relates to who gets the house which night and very little about the kids...it all still hurts. I understand but it still hurts. I'm one strong chick  I get that...but my heart is breaking in a way that I've never experienced. I've had a lot of experiences that others would find crazy. My heart aches and I cry easily...I want cuddles I want someone to hold me and tell me it's all going to be ok. But than I think of my life and realize I'm the hero of this story and I don't need saved. I'm going to be the one to do the saving....