I guess most people believe that if a man has erectile dysfunction that it must be devastating to that man. While I'll never dispute how horrible it must be for a man to have this issue I want to look at how it effects the woman.Well I guess I don't want to look at it, I want to explain it. My soon to be ex-husband suffers from this and yes it has a good portion to do with why we are divorcing.
When we first got together our sex life was amazing just like most couples. We did it multiple times a day, experimented and yes we were even a bit kinky back in the day.Than with growing up and kids, jobs, stress of mortgage payments, him going to college.. well sex took the back burner. Looking back I remember that there were times we'd be having sex and all of a sudden he'd get a pain and there went his erection. Most times it happened with me on top and being a heavy girl I thought it was due to me being too heavy. So much so I refused to get on top. I'm still afraid of hurting someone under me. I wonder now if it was the beginning of his disorder.
Than we went through infertility. That's the time in which I didn't work right and I remember how I felt. Less than whole, un-sexy, un-womanly and just a basic blah about myself and how he could do better with another. I knew he wanted children and while we had 1 I knew he wanted more. His family was never really super close and he always said "what's inside our walls is my family nothing else matters". We needed more within our walls. So the pressure was on me. I went through a few phases...sex was to make babies and that was it. It wasn't fun it wasn't pleasurable it was babies, babies babies!!!! Every month that I didn't get pregnant was like a knife in my heart. All the pregnancy tests I took that were negative where shrapnel to my already open wounds. So yes I totally understand his perspective of "not working right" and how frustrating and ego blowing it can be.
Than I hit 33 years old and WOW oh WOW...what a difference a few hormones can make. Add in we're done having babies and he's fixed no fear of getting pregnant and I'm a fucking machine. Than his ED takes full affect. It's a huge road block. I feel bad for wanting sex. He feels like he's not satisfying me and we just keep going in this huge horrible cycle. So being that I'm home alone all day my porn viewing activities rises. My masturbation increases so much so I make myself sore at times. When we do attempt sex most times it ends with mutual masturbation anyways. So I might as well please myself whenever I want. Let's jump ahead I'm 35 and he still hasn't seeked treatment. I've been reading erotic literature for a while and I'm fascinated by the kinky side of things. I discover Fetlife and the whole world opens up for me. There's lots of people out there who think like me. Who want to play and discover...only I still have a sexual repressed hubby who won't get help and feels like shit if I mention sex.
I don't tell him about fet. I go on and live out the sex life I dream about in fantasy. I feel guilty, dirty and just downright odd. I can't turn my hubby on. He will be hard one minute and the second I try to suck him off it dies. If I move it dies. I feel as though its me. Have I gotten too fat...am I not interactive enough. Does he not find me attractive anymore. Am I too bitchy. I try everything to keep him happy and stress free. I do all the housework and try my hardest to keep the kids out of his way. I make sure he has nothing to do except to relax and maybe mow the yard every once in a while. I start to feel like the maid, the servant and while I'm naturally submissive...inside I'm so fricking angry there's days I just want to hurt him.
Finally after one bad night of a panic attack he seeks help for his panic issues....than doesn't follow through with the treatment. He loves to diss my brother for being bi-polar and not keeping himself on the meds... yet he won't stay on them either. He says it kills his erections when honestly he hasn't had erections to begin with. I ride this roller coaster daily with his mood swings and his over reactions to normal everyday typical stresses. With no help around the house from him, with me keeping all stress to myself and not getting the emotional support I need from him...I start a Dom relationship online. I finally open up about the kink. Talk to him about dungeons and that I really want to go to one to help us with our sexual issues.
When he finds out about this other side of me, is when he finally gets help for his ED. He gets the pills..fills the script says they are too expensive yet than takes 2 at a time. Than he never fills the script again. I go through the process of figuring out all the natural food supplements he should take to help support a healthy blood supply and flow and than he won't take those pills. It's like he was setting us up to fail.
I'm made to feel guilty for thinking about sex, wanting sex or that I masturbate too often. Now all of sudden I'm accused of fucking every walking man in our county. That I can't control myself and that I'm a siccko for wanting kinky sex. Next thing I know I'm not allowed alone...he goes everywhere with me...even the grocery store.
We attend dungeon parties together. But as soon as another man shows a bit of interest we have to leave. I had one comment on my shoes and hubby freaked! We go to the dungeon with promises of play to leave un-played with and confused. Get home and go to sleep. Cry myself to sleep thinking I've done something wrong to have him totally turned off by me. After seeing this "live porn" happen right in front of us to be totally not turned on, utterly confuses me.
I live in a constant state of confusion, one that he won't explain though I try to understand. Finally I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of the hurting I'm tired of the pain. We've tried working through this. I can't take the demanding needs of a man who constantly needs reassurance, who treats me like a second class person for one mistake. Yet than mood swing and I'm his mom who does everything for him. He doesn't even have to wake himself up. It's my job to make sure he goes to work on time...our 15 yr old can get up and get herself ready for school..makes her lunch and if I work over..makes his lunch and coffee...hell Cinderella at least had the mice to help her.
So those of you who've asked what happened...that's it in a nutshell. There's other issues we have. The demise of our 19 years of being together started and ended with sex... lack of it, need of it and both of us tired of hurting the other person...
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