well my blog proved a point..my gut reaction was to think he really wanted all of what was written in the papers that I got served with. I finally found a lawyer who's a really nice guy. Hopefully I can get the money together by Friday to retain him. But he explained that basically everything in those papers is typical legal lawyer talk. His lawyer is of course going to try to get him everything. So she put everything plus the kitchen sink in the papers. So really I'm not sure what he wants. I thought we were going to do a disillusion with bankruptcy and foreclose on the house. So now I'm in a total confused state..which honestly is nothing new. I've been so confused by him for so many years now. It's like living with 3 different people.
My parents are standing strong behind me. They were trying to stay neutral but after the wording in the papers my dad is pissed off. I try to defuse him but that's not easy. My mom is being really strong for me but I know she's disappointed. She's worried about money and the kids. I'm worried about my kids. Everything else will work out and I know deep down they will be essentially be alright..but still I'm worried. I don't really care about much besides making sure my kids are the least affected by this as possible. I'm not disillusion I know they are going to be impacted in some form or fashion. I'm just trying to make sure that as they grow that maybe they see something positive about how this all goes down. I want them to look back on my behavior and maybe just maybe say Mom did that right.
Is this where I imagined my life would be...NO... Why are you so upset? Isn't this what you wanted?... yes this is what I want to happen...we need to both split and be able to heal...why am I upset...it still hurts. To look at my kids and explain that their lives are changing forever well dammit that hurts. To read the papers that say he's afraid of me..well honestly that hurts too...Him going against the disillusion and what we talked about before. For him to not talk about anything except if it relates to who gets the house which night and very little about the kids...it all still hurts. I understand but it still hurts. I'm one strong chick I get that...but my heart is breaking in a way that I've never experienced. I've had a lot of experiences that others would find crazy. My heart aches and I cry easily...I want cuddles I want someone to hold me and tell me it's all going to be ok. But than I think of my life and realize I'm the hero of this story and I don't need saved. I'm going to be the one to do the saving....
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