Just got told to be happy.. I'm trying!!

And here's how he schooled me:

But you have to remember: you choose to follow a life that's going to make you happier. You know where you're going. He's still lost. And stupid.

Love you F and Thank you for picking me up and putting me back on track!! *KISSES*

WTF Happened???? I'm living in bi-polar HELL

I do not understand what the hell happened. We had some good and positive conversations this week. We talked about kids, what each of us wanted out of this divorce. Than this morning BOOM it's back to non-talking, tension filled, HELL... I hate when he's like this cause even though he tried to fake it near the kids.. THEY CAN TELL!!! They know how to read each of us. Both boys asked what was wrong with him and my daughter rolled her eyes when I asked where he was. Said "outside in his MOOD again." 

Top if off our youngest went away for the night and he let him leave without saying good-bye to me. WTF seriously..I didn't have to be so nice to loan you  30 fucking dollars this week....I don't have to call and make sure your awake every morning....I even made your fucking favorite dinner and got the cake for your fucking birthday and you continue to shit on me like this. Screw you...I don't have to be so nice I can make you living here a nightmare...

BUT that's not me..I want this marriage to end with us remaining friends. I'm not as low as you. I'll take the high road and pray one day my kids see how you truly behave. I'll continue being nice BUT if you ever were to read this...I'm glad this is ending..because the way you behave I wouldn't be that nasty to my worst enemy. I hope one day someone treats you just as bad as you've treated me. At least I can look at today and use it to point out to my kids remember how dad treated me that day....that's why we didn't stay together!!

The start of the downfall.... (wow this went long)

I guess most people believe that if a man has erectile dysfunction that it must be devastating to that man. While I'll never dispute how horrible it must be for a man to have this issue I want to look at how it effects the woman.Well I guess I don't want to look at it, I want to explain it. My soon to be ex-husband suffers from this and yes it has a good portion to do with why we are divorcing.

When we first got together our sex life was amazing just like most couples. We did it multiple times a day, experimented and yes we were even a bit kinky back in the day.Than with growing up and kids, jobs, stress of mortgage payments, him going to college.. well sex took the back burner. Looking back I remember that there were times we'd be having sex and all of a sudden he'd get a pain and there went his erection. Most times it happened with me on top and being a heavy girl I thought it was due to me being too heavy. So much so I refused to get on top. I'm still afraid of hurting someone under me. I wonder now if it was the beginning of his disorder.

Than we went through infertility. That's the time in which I didn't work right and I remember how I felt. Less than whole, un-sexy, un-womanly and just a basic blah about myself and how he could do better with another. I knew he wanted children and while we had 1 I knew he wanted more. His family was never really super close and he always said "what's inside our walls is my family nothing else matters". We needed more within our walls. So the pressure was on me. I went through a few phases...sex was to make babies and that was it. It wasn't fun it wasn't pleasurable it was babies, babies babies!!!! Every month that I didn't get pregnant was like a knife in my heart. All the pregnancy tests I took that were negative where shrapnel to my already open wounds. So yes I totally understand his perspective of "not working right" and how frustrating and ego blowing it can be.

Than I hit 33 years old and WOW oh WOW...what a difference a few hormones can make. Add in we're done having babies and he's fixed no fear of getting pregnant and I'm a fucking machine. Than his ED takes full affect. It's a huge road block. I feel bad for wanting sex. He feels like he's not satisfying me and we just keep going in this huge horrible cycle. So being that I'm home alone all day my porn viewing activities rises. My masturbation increases so much so I make myself sore at times. When we do attempt sex most times it ends with mutual masturbation anyways. So I might as well please myself whenever I want. Let's jump ahead I'm 35 and he still hasn't seeked treatment. I've been reading erotic literature for a while and I'm fascinated by the kinky side of things. I discover Fetlife and the whole world opens up for me. There's lots of people out there who think like me. Who want to play and discover...only I still have a sexual repressed hubby who won't get help and feels like shit if I mention sex.

I don't tell him about fet. I go on and live out the sex life I dream about in fantasy. I feel guilty, dirty and just downright odd. I can't turn my hubby on. He will be hard one minute and the second I try to suck him off it dies. If I move it dies. I feel as though its me. Have I gotten too fat...am I not interactive enough. Does he not find me attractive anymore. Am I too bitchy. I try everything to keep him happy and stress free. I do all the housework and try my hardest to keep the kids out of his way. I make sure he has nothing to do except to relax and maybe mow the yard every once in a while. I start to feel like the maid, the servant and while I'm naturally submissive...inside I'm so fricking angry there's days I just want to hurt him.

Finally after one bad night of a panic attack he seeks help for his panic issues....than doesn't follow through with the treatment. He loves to diss my brother for being bi-polar and not keeping himself on the meds... yet he won't stay on them either. He says it kills his erections when honestly he hasn't had erections to begin with. I ride this roller coaster daily with his mood swings and his over reactions to normal everyday typical stresses. With no help around the house from him, with me keeping all stress to myself and not getting the emotional support I need from him...I start a Dom relationship online. I finally open up about the kink. Talk to him about dungeons and that I really want to go to one to help us with our sexual issues.

When he finds out about this other side of me, is when he finally gets help for his ED. He gets the pills..fills the script says they are too expensive yet than takes 2 at a time. Than he never fills the script again. I go through the process of figuring out all the natural food supplements he should take to help support a healthy blood supply and flow and than he won't take those pills. It's like he was setting us up to fail.

I'm made to feel guilty for thinking about sex, wanting sex or that I masturbate too often. Now all of sudden I'm accused of fucking every walking man in our county. That I can't control myself and that I'm a siccko for wanting kinky sex. Next thing I know I'm not allowed alone...he goes everywhere with me...even the grocery store.


We attend dungeon parties together. But as soon as another man shows a bit of interest we have to leave. I had one comment on my shoes and hubby freaked! We go to the dungeon with promises of play to leave un-played with and confused. Get home and go to sleep. Cry myself to sleep thinking I've done something wrong to have him totally turned off by me. After seeing this "live porn" happen right in front of us to be totally not turned on, utterly confuses me.

I live in a constant state of confusion, one that he won't explain though I try to understand. Finally I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of the hurting I'm tired of the pain. We've tried working through this. I can't take the demanding needs of a man who constantly needs reassurance, who treats me like a second class person for one mistake. Yet than mood swing and I'm his mom who does everything for him. He doesn't even have to wake himself up. It's my job to make sure he goes to work on time...our 15 yr old can get up and get herself ready for school..makes her lunch and if I work over..makes his lunch and coffee...hell Cinderella at least had the mice to help her.

So those of you who've asked what happened...that's it in a nutshell. There's other issues we have. The demise of our 19 years of being together started and ended with sex... lack of it, need of it and both of us tired of hurting the other person...

Scary as hell.... but I made it through

And boy do I ever feel better now. First off I'll explain. Tuesday we had our first court date to decide the temporary orders of his requests in our divorce. He asked that he get sole custody, the use of the marital home (have me move out) and spousal support along with child support. Yea he got none of that.

We never even saw the judge. Our lawyers talked went to the judge he said alright and everything was set. We signed up for mediation and a parenting class that we have to take. Than it was time to go. No big deal all said and done. Hour and a half and we were done. Now we have to get a joint checking account (we've had our money split for years too many fights). Plus add in that we only get 50 dollars a week spending money. I really hope this ends soon.

But being that I've never been through this before I was still scared nervous and just in general freaked out. I had a few friends that wanted to go to court with me...I wouldn't let them. I married him on my own I can split from him on my own. (he had his dad with him) Not to say I didn't almost burst into tears numerous times during that morning. I had my phone and thank God I had bars!! I had some conversations with friends as well as this video http://ow.ly/k5Tn5 to keep me calm. It wasn't so much the hedgehog...even though he's adorable...it was the person behind the hedgehog. He's good for keeping me calm and thinking clear.

My family has also been very supportive. I love that they aren't into bashing on Jon either. They don't like how he filed wish he would of done it the cheaper route. But they know his parents are behind his decisions now.

As for my in-laws. I'm so glad my kids are seeing through them. They've been taking the kids out and buying them stuff...My daughter asked "so they think they can buy me"...she just rolled her eyes and said..."I'll use them for it but it doesn't change that they have not been there up until now." I love that she sees that. I do tell her that they love her which I don't doubt they do love them...but they prefer to love with money.

Now to get along living in the same house. I'm no longer going to my parents every night. I thought that it could be perceived that I was leaving my kids 6 nights a week. Plus the order says we must live together. So we better do it. This is going to be rough but as long as both of us are reasonable and work towards getting this done quickly it shouldn't be all that painful...yea right don't pop my delusional bubble people!! I like living in here some days!!! 

tomorrow is the first of many big days...

We go to court for the temporary orders from the judge. I'm torn between looking forward to it and and being scared to fucking death. I know I've done nothing at all to jeopardize my kids staying with me..but you hear those horror stories, and it's hard not to listen.

Here's what I think is going to happen. We're going to be put under a "under the same roof order" we have to live in this house till all the decisions about the divorce, custody and money divide happens. There's really nothing I want beyond my kids. Give me them and we'll be just fine. Honestly we've made it through this far with you only being a contributor of money I'm sure I'll struggle but I can take them the rest of the way.

I was thinking of all the things we've done as a family and honestly very few things come to mind. You see J wasn't all that interested in me until I wanted to leave. In fact most family vacations I've done alone. He rarely watched the kids when they were babies. I know for a fact he couldn't get any of them to their Doctors office or dental office....he just met the boys teachers 2 weeks ago at their school function. He doesn't know where shot records are, birth certificates or social security cards. Heck in the papers he sign JV's birth date is wrong in every single spot and C's birth date is wrong in one spot. Yet he wants full custody with child and spousal support...why did he have to go for that.

Why didn't he just do the shared parenting. I don't want to take the kids from him...ever. He's not a horrible person. He's just not the person for me. But most who know me know I won't take this lying down. I'll be in court tomorrow ready to fight. I won't fight for my pride, or to keep us together...I'm going to fight for what's fair...my kids...no amount of taking them out, having your parents buy them things, or taking them places you've NEVER taken them to before is going to change the way you've interacted with them their whole lives. Your a day late and a few dollars short.

I'll let you all know how tomorrow goes...weather from here or the 5 o'clock news...JUST KIDDING...

I'm the hero of this story and I don't need to be saved...just cuddled

well my blog proved a point..my gut reaction was to think he really wanted all of what was written in the papers that I got served with. I finally found a lawyer who's a really nice guy. Hopefully I can get the money together by Friday to retain him. But he explained that basically everything in those papers is typical legal lawyer talk. His lawyer is of course going to try to get him everything. So she put everything plus the kitchen sink in the papers. So really I'm not sure what he wants. I thought we were going to do a disillusion with bankruptcy and foreclose on the house. So now I'm in a total confused state..which honestly is nothing new. I've been so confused by him for so many years now. It's like living with 3 different people.

My parents are standing strong behind me. They were trying to stay neutral but after the wording in the papers my dad is pissed off. I try to defuse him but that's not easy. My mom is being really strong for me but I know she's disappointed. She's worried about money and the kids. I'm worried about my kids. Everything else will work out and I know deep down they will be essentially be alright..but still I'm worried. I don't really care about much besides making sure my kids are the least affected by this as possible. I'm not disillusion I know they are going to be impacted in some form or fashion. I'm just trying to make sure that as they grow that maybe they see something positive about how this all goes down. I want them to look back on my behavior and maybe just maybe say Mom did that right.

Is this where I imagined my life would be...NO... Why are you so upset? Isn't this what you wanted?... yes this is what I want to happen...we need to both split and be able to heal...why am I  upset...it still hurts. To look at my kids and explain that their lives are changing forever well dammit that hurts. To read the papers that say he's afraid of me..well honestly that hurts too...Him going against the disillusion and what we talked about before. For him to not talk about anything except if it relates to who gets the house which night and very little about the kids...it all still hurts. I understand but it still hurts. I'm one strong chick  I get that...but my heart is breaking in a way that I've never experienced. I've had a lot of experiences that others would find crazy. My heart aches and I cry easily...I want cuddles I want someone to hold me and tell me it's all going to be ok. But than I think of my life and realize I'm the hero of this story and I don't need saved. I'm going to be the one to do the saving....

well got the papers....

So the divorce is in full swing. I actually thought he would never do it. I"m sure his parents are behind this. I know they paid for it at least. And I understand that. What I don't get is him saying that...


he reasonably fears that Affiant will suffer physical abuse, harassment, annoyance or bodily injury and that unless restrained by order of this court said spouse will continue to cause said physical abuse, harassment, annoyance or bodily injury.


Really seriously...that one just floors me. Me harass him...how about all the phone calls to me at work. Him freaking out and needing me to reassure him that I wasn't doing anything bad. OMG that one kills me. Add to it he's asking for sole custody of the kids and to have me removed from the house...honestly what we have been doing has been working and now he goes and does this. What sucks even worse. He has his mommy's money behind him. I have nothing backing me. Just fucking peachy....

It's been a quiet week...

Really quiet and it's been nice. Jon let me have the kids an extra night because my schedule is screwy this week. So that was very nice of him. Made me cry. He really didn't have to give up the night. But once he realized that I wouldn't be with my kids for 12 days straight at night he told me to stay with them. So we got to hang out and I took them to the local arts and music festival. We had an amazing night. It was so much fun and I can't wait to do it again next month. So much to do and see. "J" was mesmerized by the music. Couldn't keep that kid from dancing. "C" was a little bit introverted but warmed up after he saw me and "J" having so much fun. He's still a bit young for everything that was going on around him. We let the teenagers go my "A" and all her friends went with us. They really are a great group of kids. I'm glad she has them at this time. I know they all talk about it because when she's not around her friends tell me how she's doing. They want a end of the year party and we've got most of it planned out. They are all very excited for it.

I'm finally back to exercising full time. Ran  over 15 miles this week plus today did a 20 mile bike ride. I feel wonderful (well besides my bike seat being embedded in my ass). My food isn't totally up to par..but with living between houses I haven't been very good at planning. That's what I'm going to work on this week planning out my meals better. I can exercise till the cows come home but if my diet is out of control the weight will stay on. So keeping a food journal this week and paying attention to everything that crosses my lips.

Speaking of lips I'm craving a make out session. I'm talking a kissing session like I use to do in high school. Where it felt like you were trying to swallow the other persons tonsils. The rubbing up against one another. OMG the dry hump (LOL). Hands everywhere, no words just grunts and groans. I miss those make out sessions. I have one friend with the perfect kissing abilities. I mean perfect. Soft lips, perfect wetness, I swear he's had to have been working on his kissing his whole life, or he really is just blessed in that department. From shoving me up against a wall, to grabbing  a handful of my hair and dragging me up to his lips. Every time I lose it just a bit more. I could kiss him forever. I miss his lips, I miss hanging out with him. Maybe one day soon we'll get some time to hang out. Until than guess I'll just dream of him even more.

My fetlife account..

Things sure have changed over on my fetlife. Seems if you take off having a hubby  things just pick up quick. It's been a bit crazy. Being no longer married and having a face picture up has seemed to up my popularity. To me its hilarious. I've started some really great conversations and others have made me laugh so hard I had to pee.

"you need me as your Dom, I can see it in your eyes on your picture" (my profile pic) my response was "really I had just masturbated to thoughts of my friend...and than sent him that picture pretty damn sure Iwas thinking about fucking him"... "nope sure as fuck your thinking of me"....yea no sure as hell wasn't and still am not!!! No thanks

"I mak u my cunt. leash you up on coke chan and let my homies fuk u lik the bitch  dog u r." I didn't reply to that one at all.....delete is my best friend in that conversation. although credit for spelling bitch right.

"You will do all that I say"... last time I looked I wasn't a Genie...but you go ahead and demand all you want there sweetheart. Trust me it's not going to get you far.

Why do these guys think this will work. Makes me wonder if this does work for them sometimes. I wonder if there's women who respond to those types of men. The only thing I can think of is either it doesn't work and these guys just randomly pick someone and send the same email over and over. Which fits the guy from Italy who messaged me.  HAHAHAHA yea he ran out of Italian women and came after this red head in Ohio.

The scenario I don't want to think of is that this type of email works. And I'm sure in a few cases it does. But I still don't want to think about it. Honestly I have low self esteem at times...I have my bad days like a good majority of people out there. But to have that low of a self worth to fall for those lines...I'll pray for you.

And maybe I'm just wrong and don't know enough kinky people..that's always that possibility.

I'm praying I get to feel him again soon....

A song that struck me today.... "I feel your fingers pound like thunder" made me think of someone special....yummy I cannot wait to feel your fingers again. I need to feel that slow fire burn again... 

http://www.vevo.com/watch/sugarland/run-sugarland-version/USUV71101991?source=instantsearch

*KISSES*

Well he got sick....

So here I sit...hiding out in my room. I picked up my daughter today and came home to seeing his car in the driveway. My phone had died while I was sleeping at my friends house, so I didn't get his text that he was coming to the house. He has the flu that I had last week. I feel bad...it was horrible. I'm sure he feels it bad.

I came inside and here he's lying on the couch. Now mind you 2 of the kids haven't had it yet..so it's very important to keep it contained. So I woke him up and told him to go to our sons bed. He won't get in our bed. Something about he just can't face our bed. Well whatever because J.V.'s bed SUCKS. He did say he was sorry for being so nasty the day I came home sick. At least he finally spoke to me.                                             
I truly believe he thinks I hate him. I really don't...I just don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to cause him hurt either. And we were both hurting a lot this past year. It  needed to end. Our relationship was very far from healthy. I believe it was emotional warfare. Holding grudges. Staying angry  when we swore we weren't.  Dis-trust...lying..holding back. It has just been so much pain that I couldn't take it anymore. I want to be happy again. I want to know that the person I'm with trusts me. I want to know that the person I'm with desires to be with me. That they crave every fiber of me.

We tried to fix it honestly we did. I think we have healing to do. Will we ever be married again...no... but will we be friends again..Yes..I believe so. Like I've said all along. I don't hate him I understand where he's coming from. We both have valid points and we both see things in our own way. I just hope he's able to heal and move on with his life....hell I hope the same for me.

Glad to be home....

What a crazy weekend...yet it wasn't all that busy. I know that hotel room really well...and honestly when on a trip you  don't want to know your hotel room...well unless your meeting a nice gentleman for the weekend and it's just you and him...Hey W we need to do that SOON!!! Yea I know you read this. Than I still might know the room that well..I'm sure he'll blindfold me at some point..oh this journal is going the wrong way!!!

ANYWAYS..... Like I was saying this weekend was fun. But I spent  it with a couple of wrong people..1. the person I took the trip with. She's so very vanilla..now while she would say a few things that would question her vanilliness...she was just a bit too anal retentive for me. I'm a bit of an extrovert (yes that might be an understatement) but she's just so worried about what others think of her..and well that's just not me. I don't care...love me or not it's your choice. She was so worried how we looked to others around us...honestly when I'm out I want to have fun that's what this weekend was suppose to be about. Having fun!!!

2. that other woman...the snobby rude bitch from NY...I've said enough about her would just like to forget her now.

So while I was hoping for more fun..ok I was hoping for an amazing weekend...I got a fun weekend. So yea it was a bit disappointing. I made the best I could of it all...

Funniest moment of the whole weekend...we ran out of gas..on the way home...the gas gauge quit working and we totally ran out of gas...so stupid yet I laughed so hard. Something weird is suppose to go on with every road trip and that was our thing. Add to it that I could of run to the gas station and been back long before road services showed up and I laughed even harder...plus with buying a tank to bring the gas back in would of been cheaper than road services... It's actually kinda sad that the trip home was funnier than the whole trip... oh well there's always making color angels with M.... oh and my 4 showers...I love showers now to get mine at home fixed...or another hotel stay...Hey W text me we need to do that!!! LOL