Well looks like I'm addicted to sex...HUH???

Well that's what his therapist told him. Of course it was one of the last things he said so I'm thinking it was the hook to make sure hubby would come back to him. Look I'm all for therapy...I'm truly hoping it helps... because no matter what happens between him and I...we have to find a way to communicate. We have kids and they deserve better than what we have been giving them. We have to learn to deal with each other to be parents to our children.

Hubby gave the guy the whole back story I'm guessing a condensed version as it was only 1 hour long. During the conversation the dungeon and our BDSM was brought up. This guy has never had patients with BDSM issues. As I try to explain to hubby BDSM has nothing to do our issues that its how I don't feel loved or respected by him, he got defensive saying "but I tell you all the time that I love you". My first love language is acts of service with words of affirmation being second. When I responded with you can say you love me all you want but not having a working shower after 5 years shows me just what you think of me. (he can pretty easily fix our shower, the only one, but for some reason he just never has even though I've been begging him to for all these years.) I'm a pretty basic girl..give me a shower and I'm putty in your hands. Oh you love me enough to fix that shower so I can take a shower how wonderful *swoon*.

Hubby truly believes that ALL of our issues are related to BDSM, his ED and my cheating. While I'm not saying they having nothing at all with it...they influence it yes..but the ROOT of our issues boil down to feelings of not being loved, respected or cared for at all. Than  add in me being an enabler and my way of keeping the peace which really is me bottling all my feelings and making sure nothing upsets him. I do anything and everything to avoid conflict with him. I do anything and everything to make sure he's reactions to any type of stress or new situation is positive to the point that I take that stress on myself. That is my main issue within myself. I have to stop this behavior.

So my ending to our conversation last night i think made him think. I haven't really heard a response per say but I'm sure it dug in a bit. I am no longer taking responsibility for your reactions. I'm no longer taking responsibility for your feelings. Your feelings are yours and you need to learn how to process through your emotions and feelings. I'm no longer going to feel guilty for having really good friends who I can lean on in times like these. I'm not going to apologize for being an extrovert. I'm going to be the real me with or without you. No longer will I behave different when your with me to avoid having conflict with you later about my behavior. I no longer will avoid conflict or situations that will cause conflict with you. I love you and always will we will forever be apart of each other's lives. I vow to you to find a way that we can communicate that helps you not hinders you in any way.  I than told him I had to get ready for work... he asked if I would move back into our bedroom and I told him no not at this time. We've proved time and again that once we have sex we stop discussing the issue at hand and believe it's all fixed. This will take some time and no I have no timeline in mind. He seemed upset at this but as I said I really had to get to work.. I guess we'll see Friday night we are going to our restaurant and see if we can talk some more...

It hasn't been good around here...

We truly haven't spoken since Friday night and actually I'm alright with that. I went to find legal help yesterday. Sounds expensive and still trying to work it out about keeping kiddos with me as I feel he's unstable at times. Not that I think he would hurt the kids (I have enough mental health issues in my family if I thought for one second he would hurt himself or the kids I'd be OUT OF HERE!!!) When I say unstable I mean just everyone around him feels his angry and sadness. Its really not a healthy environment for the kids honestly.

And it's no longer a healthy environment for me. Not only have I put myself on the back burner both emotionally and physically..I've but some of my relationships on the back burner. Relationships that I've had for many many years. Even newer healthy relationships I've put on hold not knowing where I was going or what I was doing. Well I've made my mind up I know where my life is heading and I've  haven't felt this good in 3 years.

Now I'm not all "head in the clouds" floaty...I know I'll have more bad days than  great. The loneliness is going to be very difficult to deal with. It doesn't matter that we will live in the same house for now. We are no longer what we once were. My focus is on my kids...I have to make sure they feel safe and loved by not only me but also by him. It's time this 13 year old girl stuck in a 37 years old body pulls up her big girl pants and looks out for her kids. They come first and pushing for them to have a great relationship with their dad. I need to learn to communicate with him on a level that's friendly and workable for all of us. The tension needs to dissipate. I don't want them to live in a constant state of tension, anger and hurt. I want them to heal first!! I just hope and pray we can work things this way...

My tonight ended very badly....

I moved out of our bedroom...for the 2 nights that I'm home I'll be crashing on the couch... this went totally wrong...and I don't see a way of fixing it. I thought after yesterday's conversation that we were on the right track. Last night it all fell apart.

I have a race in a different state that I've been dying to do. And the reason I'm going to another state to run it is just so I can meet my weight loss coach Mike. No other reason. I even got  a girlfriend to go with me as a babysitter. But even with her I'm not safe. Hubby really wanted to go and at first I was cool with it. No big deal he can walk the 5k even if he's still smoking. But when I invited my girlfriend I didn't realize she had never had a road trip or even a girls weekend to go and have some fun. She was upset when she found out hubby was coming. She really wanted it to be just her and I. So she asked hubby why was he coming. He never did answer her..but boy did he answer me. He cannot trust me because Mike (or any man) will be there. It doesn't matter that I have T as my babysitter. One added comment to that relationship T is hubby's friend from high school...not mine...her and I have never been really close..she and her hubby we're friends with my hubby long before I came into the picture!

So all that happened which sparked our conversation Friday night at dinner....which really began earlier in the day by text message...I had stopped asking him if he was ok because I knew he wasn't, that he was holding back on me. As much as he says he can read me...I can read him..19 years together does that to people.
Here are the bullet points as we quit talking at all (well heck how can we talk I slept in the chair)...all he says to me now is "whatever"...mind you it's 5 am so it's not like he's awake...

Here's word for word the text messages

H: Ok, here it goes!This also has to do with u going to another state. I have haunting images of when i first saw the n.c. map from last year. (the guy I was cheating with lives in NC= I got a babysitter to go with me and she knows I cheated) For I'm very scared that i'm losing u. feels like world is out of control. I can't bear these thoughts anymore and need more help. That's why i called the therapy yesterday. It doesn't matter if T is going with u, i just feel threatened. I really wish i could go but seems more excited going with T. And I get that girls weekend. I'm also worried about u being on the road by urselves.

Me: Do you truly feel that I'm not going to return??

H; Sometimes yea

Now that's where I got upset but held back at that point but brought it up last night at dinner. really he thinks so little of me that I won't return to 1.Him 2. MY KIDS 3. my life ( besides these issues I have a pretty stress free life and I love my job) 4. my family that's here!!!! Holy fucking cow this said a ton to me. Why even stay with me if you think I'm going to walk away. And wait a fucking minute I keep telling you time and again that I'm not going anywhere...so you 1. don't listen 2. my words don't matter to you at all... he says I took it out of context and the minute I got upset he was done. Walked out of the restaurant and on the drive home wouldn't talk just kept shaking his head saying "whatever, your right I'm always at fault" I didn't say anything about fault and I'm wrong all the fucking time...he was done my voice went up and he shut down. I told him I was moving out of our room into the basement. He's already cut me off from sex so why sleep in the same room.

2. issue that we addressed with no resolve...fixing him, us and myself. I have to separate myself from His issues. His issues are his alone...not mine. I keep trying to help but my words just bounce off of him like he doesn't hear me. So as I said to him yesterday this stops now. I've been neglecting myself to benefit him. I've quit working out, dieting put on 30 of my 85lb. weight loss. I know I seem different when I'm getting healthy and you know what I am different. I'm happier!!! I'm more alert I don't sleep as much..I'm healthier. I want to be out in the world more...and I truly believe that he feels threatened when I'm like that. I'm sorry I can't fix what goes on inside your head..I can try to make it easier on you...but your issues are no longer mine. I can't fix it. You need to learn to deal and process your thoughts and emotions. I can't do it for you. I have my own issues to deal with. So here was my statement to him

"sorry I love you but there's somethings I cannot fix and this is it. I might be a cause of a lot of your issues (insecurities, depression, low self esteem) but only you can process your emotional baggage. I've tried everything I know to try.. Being very supportive, listening, not fighting even when I thought you were wrong. I've been reassuring honest and faithful. I've done my best but I have to take care of me too and I've been so focused on you and keeping you happy I've let myself go again. It stops now. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop loving supporting and taking care of you!! I love you even more for seeking help from a therapist. I hope we can now both heal and finally move on from the very messy chapter in our lives."

I agree that we both have to work on the "us" but as of right now...my priority is me...getting me back on track making myself healthy. I cannot and will not go back to the way I was..

My girlfriend S but it best yesterday at lunch. You have a split personality. When your away from him we get fun Heather..your happy, you interact with everyone and when he's with you your different..more solitary. You look to him for approval for everything and watch for his reactions. Don't you just want to be you???  That's the question I don't have to look for the answer too...I'm tired of walking on egg shells wondering what will be the next thing to tick him off. And honestly first it's I'm not allowed to go out of state because there are other men what's next?? Can't go to the store because there's other men there. Can't go to work because I work with men. Where does the line get drawn? It seems the rules I live by are getting tighter and tighter and I've never been one to follow the rules and once I feel my freedom is threatened I tend to act out. I'm not saying that's what is going to happen...but hell I'm now living on my couch...where do I draw that line??

Lack of typical communication...

Notice the word inserted in that phrase...typical...because the way that hubby and I communicate is anything but typical. In fact most people think we're on the brink of divorce most of the time because well we tell each other that all the time. "Oh that's it I'm done where's the lawyers number?" is honestly a question you'll hear in our presence at one time or another! We are on very different pages on the way we communicate (that whole opposites attract thing comes to mind).
So diving into the world of BDSM play with this type of communication probably isn't the best way to handle things. Because I want (need, crave, desire, please for the life of me I BEG) to play. I in fact am very willing to divulge into the world of being poly amours (look it up). He on the other hand is willing to just sit back let old age take over, let his ED take over, stay a hermit and swears to God that I'm all he'll ever need. I'm not suited for that life. It's never been in me to lead a life like that and before we use to find a happy medium but for now it seems as though we're butting heads at times.
He's very wishy washy and that drives me insane!! It's very similar to living your life based on a 3 year olds thoughts. Or better yet that dog in UP... SQUIRREL!!!! One day it's fine that I play with this person...but bring up him having to meet that person or their significant other and BOOM...oh look I decided this is too much for me to handle..shutdown time is how he reacts. I walk a very fine line in keeping him happy and some days I WANT TO JUMP!!! But I also want my marriage to work, I love and adore him like no other. I don't want my world to exist without him. Than there's my other side that has these desires that he made me promise to share and I do. Some days I feel punished for sharing them, other days loved. It all truly depends on his mood and how I read him that day. Yes he's full of insecurities most of which are my fault, I created them when I cheated so I'm very understanding that it's my job to make him comfortable.
SO now here's my issue at hand. I'm wanting to get involved with a poly person and he has certain rules within his relationship that he must follow (he does a very good job at that). And I as a person wanting to be with him must follow along. Now is the time for all of us to meet up and get to know each other...and basically get permission for us to continue our relationship.
 If you've read my other posts you'll remember that our daughter had sex for the first time, he backed out of doing anything at the dungeon and newest that I didn't add in is he has asked that anything involving him and I that's kinky be put on hold until he can get a grip on the situation with our daughter. He's pretty much a mess emotionally. He already has issues with dealing with his emotions...he's a very bottle it up type of guy. So for the past 6 weeks every Friday has been our date night. We go to a very quiet restaurant sit for hours and just talk. ABOUT EVERYTHING!!! Including my relationship with this other person. Hubby knows all that I've ever done with him. I've been very upfront and honest with hubby about my feelings and how I want things to progress. Some days he seems ok..others he scares me.
For the past year I've been asking to play with others...girl, man... didn't matter just to play around..see what it was like and at times he has let me do a few things..other times it feels as though he dangles that carrot out in front of me than snaps it back just back just before I reach it. This is what I'm afraid of...that he's going to pull this carrot away from me!!! I'm afraid that this two will be taken from me and I'm not sure how I'll handle it.
 So time to put on the big girl panties...Friday night he's going to listen to all I have said here.. he needs to understand that I have desires, wants and needs. That I desire want and need him first and foremost, but that this is a big deal to me. That its time we take this more seriously and work through our issues regarding this situation before we drag others into our lives. I think there's always going to be days that I want to JUMP...but I just need to remember to take a breath, relax and talk through everything open and honestly....damn acting like an adult sucks sometimes but I know the end result will totally be worth all the effort.
Well I hope, pray than wish for some magic that it will all be worth it!!! ;-)

One of the hardest things I've ever written...

30lbs.

Wow that's a lot of weight...that took me so much time to lose. And I gained it all back in what seems like no time at all..but in all honesty it was 3 months. I backslid. I failed. I didn't do the work. I didn't take the time to take care of me. There's so many things I didn't do. And it's all on me. I have no one to blame but myself.  I will give no excuses.

The worst is feeling that I have failed others. I have a weight loss coach who's also my very good friend as well as just a general kick ass kind of guy. I call him "My Mike". He's the one I fear I've disappointed the most. He's the one I fear hearing that "sigh" from. Not that I don't deserve it...I totally do!!

Still I hate to think that in some way I've hurt him at the same time hurting myself. I'm not doing this weight loss for him it's all for me, but he's the one who's been with me through it all..from the very beginning!!! I owe so much to him I'll never be able to repay him (right now he's saying yes you can you can get your butt back on track).

So here I sit...writing this out wanting nothing more than to not have to deal with all of it. But I must..I cannot go totally back to where I was.. I have my plan, I'm prepping my life, cleaning out the garbage dusting off the treadmill. I will get back on my journey to health...I will get back to the lowest weight again. This I promise to myself.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!! My first experience of pure love

During my childhood my "household" family wasn't where I learned about love. I first learned about love from my Paternal grandmother and we lived far from her. But when I did get time with her she showed love like no other relative I have. She laid the foundation but others built my heart. 

I learned about love from my friends and their families. The first family that taught me how a family should be came into my life around the age of 10. Deanna and her family moved in down the street and we rode the bus together. She was a grade lower than me at school but since we lived so close and we were just so awesome together we became inseparable. I called her parents Mom and Dad. We stayed the night together almost every weekend. We are still best friends to this day.... almost 30 years later.

 One situation stands out in my mind. Let me set the story a bit. In my house the n-word was thrown around like it was a very common word. A huge Confederate flag flew above my house....my new best friends dad is black. I'm 10 and he's truly the first black man I've ever really had a conversation with. One day I say the n-word near him. He turns to me and I see the hurt in his eyes. I start to freak out inside thinking for sure that I'll never be allowed back to their home. That my bestest friend ever is gone...but here's how he handled the situation.

He called me over and we sat at the kitchen table. "I know your young and I've met your family. Your a beautiful, wonderful girl and I love you, but you just hurt me like nobody has ever hurt me. That word is just nasty. It's meant to hurt people and it does. It hurts really bad. You know how when your brothers call you names and make you cry? Well you just made me want to cry...and honestly your not suppose to make those you love cry right?" All this time I'm crying afraid that I was in trouble. Nodding my answers to the questions. "Stop crying you know I love you dearly and my life wouldn't be the same without you but please don't hurt me anymore." He asked me to look up the word to find it's true definition. He also asked that I think about my words before I say them. He hugged me and we never discussed it again...there was no need.. I never let that word leave me mouth ever again.

From my limited memories this one has stuck with me and I know why. That day Marcel changed me he made me a more loving person. He showed me how to love someone even though they hurt you. I learned that understanding where someone is coming from is important. That even though your hurt you don't have to hurt back...that responding with love instead of hate can be the most important thing. Now to remember that daily and put it to use....

The rollercoster ride....

You twist your fingers into the back of my hair to pull my face up to meet your lips... that's the roller coaster taking off for me.
 Kissing me deeply tongues wrestling, breath comes faster....going up the first hill.... "How is my slut now?" you ask."perfect you have me".
 A strong yank on my hair exposing my throat to your teeth...that's the top of the first hill we're moving now. Eyes closed, knees weak waiting for the next move.
 Thrown down on the bed...we're flying down the hill....Your in control and I have none...I'm your wanton whore...waiting for you to devour.
"Open your cunt let me see you touch yourself"...up the second hill with a side roll....I do as I'm told. Exposing myself to you. Fingers plunging deep into my wetness.
"You can fuck yourself better than that!"...roll over to the other side stomach drops... I stuff my hand down to my knuckles trying to impress you Master.
"Not good enough whore let me show you."...sharp turn with sudden drop.... you bury your hand into my cunt. I scream out an orgasm, squirting around your fist.
From your arsenal of weapons you bring out the butt plug....a 3 loop barrel roll...my eyes wide. "Oh it's just the little one" you say.
With just the wetness from my cunt you shove it in my ass quick....90 degree turn going back up hill.... I beg for permission to orgasm this time. I get the nod of approval.
Your on top of me now. My nipple clamped between your teeth...cresting the last hill... the tip of your cock pressing into my cunt.
Mouth at my ear "I'm going to fuck you for my pleasure you may not cum at all understand?"....racing fast down into a dark tunnel.....You fill me with your cock.
Pounding me into the bed....I see the light coming closer...your thick, hard  cock driving me to the brink of orgasm.
Your cock pulsating inside of me.....we fly out of the tunnel into the blinding sunlight.... I feel you cum deep inside of me.
The pulse of your hips slow, your cock growing softer....the breaks at the end of this glorious ride.... You collapse onto me. Chest tight, hair a mess I don't want this ride to end...

Does he think I'm stupid...seriously...

For those of you who don't know there's a Facebook type website for kinky people. It's called Fetlife. Hubby and I are both members and just like on facebook we are linked  because we list each other as being married. Now onto my rant (yes it's a total bitch fest rant)

The other day I commented on a story posted to fetlife about your first time getting a Brazilian wax. Now I've been wanting to have a Brazilian done for a long time. In fact it's a weight loss goal of mine..I hit a certain weight loss goal and I get to FINALLY get my Brazilian done. So anyways I comment something to the effect of thanking the poster because I'm a huge chicken to inflicted non-sexual pain and that's really what had been stopping me (before it became a goal). Now today jumping in the bath he tells me he wants me to stop shaving my pussy. HUH???? Why???He's the one that convinced me years ago to start shaving. He hates me being even slightly fuzzy..if I haven't shaved I'm told to shave...so what's brought this on??? Oh I see now I remember my friend (whom I play with) had also read the same story and "liked" it (on fetlife it's love it but I digress) Is this always going to be a competition? I mean come on...I'm not going to stop shaving. I like how it feels...it's truly for my benefit...I'm really annoyed right now and yes I'm tired and bitchy like I said a total bitch fest around here!!! Next he's going to say no to my genital piercing once I reach my final weight goal...why must he always feel like he has to control me.... He's driving me away I just wish he'd realize it....

I got my play (truly a form of torture)...

Got to visit my good friend, the one who has been under the weather. He didn't feel so under the weather yesterday!!! AWESOMENESS!!! We tortured each other...I swear one day I will break if we don't get permission soon. Climb on top of him and just fuck him till neither one of us can move.

All night long I was wet... I started my night wet from being with him than add in the texts from him and well let's just say that by 2 all I could smell was my cunt..sopping wet isn't the word for it. I was so wet I could ring out my panties like a washcloth in a bathtub. Add my sex music play list in my ears all night and let's just say I got off 3 times just imagining him inside of me. We have to fix this soon... I'm not so pent up or stressed out anymore... now back to thinking of him before I go to sleep... YUMMY thoughts.... where's my dildo again???

Went to the local dungeon last night....

And well let's just say it didn't go great!!! Let me start with the good stuff..

They had a demo last night it was on hypnotism. That was the coolest part of the evening for me. The hypnotist was a great guy. He made it not scary at all. You could tell he loved talking about hypnotism and loved showing people how to do it. It was a great session and so much fun to participate and they interaction between him and his wife was so cute!!! He performed group hypnosis  and I went under very quick and pretty deep. I was a little shocked about how deep but everyone agreed they knew I'd go under. Apparently I'm easily influenced and everyone knows it!!! LOL

After the demo it was time for the play party. For those of you who don't know what a play party is..well it's at a dungeon there's your first clue... so anything kinky (except penetration) is going on all around you while in the dungeon. It was a relatively quiet party. Not too many people but there were some friends there as well as new people. Hubby opened up and actually talked to people that I wasn't interacting with (yes that's a huge deal) so I thought it was going to be a great night...I asked him while the dungeon was empty if he wanted to flog me...he turned me down...no big deal I let it go. We go and sit in the social area (couches chairs talking eating whatnot) and someone new shows interest in my shoes and compliments me in wearing 5 inch heels. Than here comes possessive hubby. He all of a sudden after 18 years of never touching my feet wants to rub my feet. We sit and chat for just a bit. I notice a friend has gone to play and I tell him I want to go watch. I go to watch and start a very innocent conversation with the one that liked my shoes. Hubby comes in and says he wants to give me to someone to play with but that he's too hungry he wants to leave. Now mind you we've been to a few parties like this..these people we know some we even talk to outside of kinky life. I ask him to wait til the scene is over he says OK. He can't seem to sit still and keeps complaining about being hungry. As soon as the scene ends we leave.

He wonders why I never get too excited to go to the dungeon with him. He keeps saying he'll play with me every time we go..than he backs out. I get  performance issues and all...let's keep it in check though..he doesn't have to get naked. We're not allowed to fuck so if his ED kicks in who cares nobody will know!!! If it's performing a flogging in front of everyone OK...well if you won't do it at home and you won't do it here..when will I ever get it???

He lets others play with me at the dungeon... sometimes...and only when he can truly control the scene. I feel we should stop going...but he is upset when I go alone. So the answer....I have no clue...just working this out as best as I can. Venting here helps me think things through so I know how to approach him when he does want to talk about what happened last night...I'm just hoping we can work things out... I'm pent up and stressed out... when after a good night of play I should be relaxed and zen...

Numb...

That's how I feel...numb... after this past week I really don't think I can handle much more. I'm so numb like I have no nerves what so ever. All I want to do is curl up with my Pooh Bear and my cat and go to sleep. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't want to think about this anymore. Why can't I be the type of parent who can just sweep things under the rug and forget about it all!

I want my little girl back. I want her to not have to worry about being pregnant. I want her to be a kid all over again. I miss our talks...I miss our shopping trips. I just miss her. She has changed. Sex does that to people and when your young and "in love" you don't think it changes you but it does. I can no longer think of her as an innocent little girl.

I can see a few positives to this situation...

1. They really do care for each other. It doesn't matter that they are so young..I feel they truly do love each other.

2. They used protection...so she does listen to some of my advice!!!

3. That even though our relationship has changed we'll be OK...we all just need to deal with this and move on.

And one day we will...but for now I'm going to have to grieve in a sense. I've lost her to the adult world and while I knew one day this would happen I was hoping for a bit more time with her. My childhood ended so very early in my life...I was trying to make hers different than mine was. I tried my best and I hope I've done of good job...I love her like crazy...it's so very hard to watch her grow up...

No longer a little girl...

I kissed my daughter last night and told her that I loved her. Up to that point I hadn't cried at all yesterday. I do love her unconditionally..no matter how upset I am that she had sex with her boyfriend, no matter time of day or how clean her room is...I love her. I knew this day would come. In some ways she's very much like me. She loves to cuddle to hug and touch. She loves her friends and would do just about anything for them. She has always been a very empathetic person...even when she didn't speak. She's a lover of all things happy and really she's a good kid in general. She wants to show her love and to be loved in return. I'm not saying I'm ok with this situation but it's something I understand.

So why did I get so upset yesterday. I got upset because she lied to me about it..she felt as though she couldn't tell me and that upsets me. We've always been able to talk about most things so what has changed between us. I'm upset that the only reason I found out is because her boyfriend wasn't listening to me. I sat there explaining why it was so very wrong,on a legal level, for him to send pics of his penis to her and all he was thinking about was what we were going to do about that baby. When he asked about the baby I about died. I ran outside to vomit...it was confirmed what I already suspected...they had sex. I'm upset over the fact that neither one of them are emotional ready for something like this. I'm upset that she's only 15 I was hoping for her to keep her innocence a bit longer than 15 years.

What information made yesterday's news a bit easier to digest? Well they used a condom for one!! I guess all these talks her and I have had worked on that bit!!! He claims to be a virgin so a bit less testing for her to have done at her very first appointment with a GYNO doctor. And I do feel as though they truly care for each other.

I know our relationship has changed. The next few weeks are going to be touchy. The emotional fall out from her and her father is going to stress me. But like all things this too shall pass.  One day our trust will rebuild. One day we'll laugh about all this. One day she'll open up to me again...I just miss my little girl!!!

How am I going to handle this????

Last night my daughter lost privileges to use her cell phone and Ipod (OMG WE TOOK HER MUSIC WE SUCK AS PARENTS LOL). She was mouthy and disrespectful to her dad. I was sleeping when this all happened. So I awoke to her being upset, him being upset and her boyfriend spreading our family issues all over his Facebook. Needless to say we took possession over the Ipod and the phone. Informed her I didn't appreciate her boyfriends remarks on  Facebook that I would be having a discussion with him about that and told her I loved her, to get some sleep and off to work I went.

About 2 hours later hubby texts me at work..."We need to talk do you have a minute?" My mind immediately goes to the dark side. Oh shit he's having a panic attack...did I talk about someone too much...did I  not tell him something I posted on Fetlife (facebook for kinky people)... my mind goes into my panic mode...did I not do something right and he's feeling threatened??? I'm not alone I text back than make my exit to the bathroom. Next text is from my daughter's phone a picture of a erect penis....I freeze...WTF IS THAT? Well I know what it is but how in the hell is it coming from her number!!! Hubby texts....more like that on her phone...from boyfriend's number... plus other texts her calling him Master... I run to the bathroom to vomit. Today is going to be a very very long day. I kept her home from school to talk to her...no way can hubby handle this at all...she wouldn't survive.

She's a very good kid...a great head on her shoulders and I know kids experiment...but I want to know what she knows. I want to know she's safe and that texts is how far it has gone. I want to make sure this doesn't get out. There's an age difference and I wouldn't want a good kids life wrecked if it were to get around that he sent these pics. I know that she's growing up and that's hard to handle..but I want her to be safe..yet be herself...yet be 15!!! Enjoy being a kid...you only get to do it for just so long!!! I think I need a drink!!! Wish me luck!!!

Having memories....

I love making great memories with my family. I have some really good memories of my childhood. I also have some really bad ones. I also have blocks of time that I don't remember at all.  My short term memory is horrible but once I can get the info down deep it's in there forever.

I was involved in a car accident when I was 13 years old. A drunk driver hit us head on at a very high rate of speed and out the windshield I flew. I bounced off his car...came back onto our car than rolled down a 50ft. embankment into a drainage ditch. I actually don't remember the accident at all...I actually don't remember much from that summer at all. I do remember facts of that summer...it was the summer before my freshman year of high school...I had long beautiful blond hair... and I had never heard of manic-depressive disorder or Post traumatic stress disorder before. But with the decision of one very drunk man my world changed. I no longer had long beautiful blond hair (shaved off)... they weren't sure I would start high school...and now I was manic-depressive with PTSD (which was called something else back than and I can't remember what). Let's just say I was a mess in many different ways.

When I woke up I was never so scared in my life. Tubes were down my throat, my limbs were strapped down, my head hurt like nothing I had every experienced before and I was alone. It was dark in the room and my eyes had a very hard time focusing. One eye wouldn't open the whole way (later to find out that I suffered from  Bells Palsy, 1/2 of face looked like it had fallen). After coming around and finally getting all tubes removed and promising with all my heart that I would be a good girl so they would remove the restraints I finally got  to look in the mirror and what I saw is something I'll never forget. The easiest way I have ever been able to describe what I saw was to say imagine someone went face first into a brick wall at a very high rate of speed...that was me. Right side of my face was frozen in a scary 1/2 grimace, bald, 2 black eyes, stitches on my forehead...even more where they did brain surgery...my nose was swollen and lots of bruises and scratches. And I had 2 weeks to heal before I saw myself. Every move had to be thought about thoroughly. I had to learn to walk again, talk without drooling, and all other mundane yet now very exciting daily movements!!

I was lucky...I was young and pretty healthy besides the accident. Walking was down in a few days, talking came back the quickest (SURPRISED??LOL) Physically I was going to heal...it was what was going on inside my brain that was the scariest. Once released I still had to be driven back home...getting in a car was torturous. I hid under my blanket clutching my bear crying the whole way. I could not and would not ever get in the front seat for 3 years...not even to get a ride in a very fancy sports car that was a 2 seater my uncle bought!! Add in that I now had brain damage and had to wear a wig. Emotionally I was all over the place. I went on long horse rides for hours at a time. My mother got so concerned on one such trip, because I took my pellet gun, she sent the sheriffs after me. After that she sent me to see my first shrink. That's when I was diagnosed as manic-depressive with what is now know as PTSD. They tried to medicate me but that never seemed to help. In fact some made the dreams worse others turned me into a zombie of my former self.

I started my freshman year on time which was scary yet very exciting. School had always been very easy for me. I was reading, writing and doing basic math by the time I was 4. So once I started to struggle with my school work I was more scared than ever. My brain wasn't what I knew it was. My advance placement was being threatened. My parents just kept telling me I was boy crazy and needed to settle down and try harder. What they didn't understand I was trying my hardest. My older brothers all had learning disabilities, I was the only one that was typical in our family, yet now I struggled. Feeling as though I had had a brain transplant. My thought process was different, my emotions were different, I was erratic and thrill seeking. I found alcohol  to be a very good sedative...it stopped the dreams. Dreams where I awoke pieced back together that some version of Frankenstein.

So why do I write about all this now? Well in the past 4 months I've been involved in 2 car accidents.  The first one I rear ended someone and that one I handled pretty well emotionally. I was by myself in the car and truly it was an accident. I've been much better about making sure I'm not sleepy when driving ever since than. I feel asleep at the wheel!! Yesterday was the second accident. My boys were with me safely in the back seat. The other driver turned left, right into the front left corner of my car. Her car had much more damage than my SUV and physically everyone was fine!! It was when my boys were taken home by my hubby that I lost it and went into full on panic mode. I needed them close, I needed to touch them again make sure that they we're OK. Racing through my mind was all the what ifs and what could of happened and I couldn't shut down my mind quick enough. Panic in all it's terror set in and I proceeded to breakdown. Hubby came back to me to wait out for the tow truck and police found me in the back seat of the car...clutching a blanket crying. Last night horrible vivid dreams of my boy lying in a hospital bed banged up and in a coma. It was like I should of been looking at me at 13 but instead it was my boy. I awoke sweat soaked shaking uncontrollably and sobbing. PTSD sucks but at least I understand it and with time this too shall pass...my boys are fine, I'm fine, that car will get fixed. It all could of been worse. Writing it out helps... now to continue with my life...