I moved out of our bedroom...for the 2 nights that I'm home I'll be crashing on the couch... this went totally wrong...and I don't see a way of fixing it. I thought after yesterday's conversation that we were on the right track. Last night it all fell apart.
I have a race in a different state that I've been dying to do. And the reason I'm going to another state to run it is just so I can meet my weight loss coach Mike. No other reason. I even got a girlfriend to go with me as a babysitter. But even with her I'm not safe. Hubby really wanted to go and at first I was cool with it. No big deal he can walk the 5k even if he's still smoking. But when I invited my girlfriend I didn't realize she had never had a road trip or even a girls weekend to go and have some fun. She was upset when she found out hubby was coming. She really wanted it to be just her and I. So she asked hubby why was he coming. He never did answer her..but boy did he answer me. He cannot trust me because Mike (or any man) will be there. It doesn't matter that I have T as my babysitter. One added comment to that relationship T is hubby's friend from high school...not mine...her and I have never been really close..she and her hubby we're friends with my hubby long before I came into the picture!
So all that happened which sparked our conversation Friday night at dinner....which really began earlier in the day by text message...I had stopped asking him if he was ok because I knew he wasn't, that he was holding back on me. As much as he says he can read me...I can read him..19 years together does that to people.
Here are the bullet points as we quit talking at all (well heck how can we talk I slept in the chair)...all he says to me now is "whatever"...mind you it's 5 am so it's not like he's awake...
Here's word for word the text messages
H: Ok, here it goes!This also has to do with u going to another state. I have haunting images of when i first saw the n.c. map from last year. (the guy I was cheating with lives in NC= I got a babysitter to go with me and she knows I cheated) For I'm very scared that i'm losing u. feels like world is out of control. I can't bear these thoughts anymore and need more help. That's why i called the therapy yesterday. It doesn't matter if T is going with u, i just feel threatened. I really wish i could go but seems more excited going with T. And I get that girls weekend. I'm also worried about u being on the road by urselves.
Me: Do you truly feel that I'm not going to return??
H; Sometimes yea
Now that's where I got upset but held back at that point but brought it up last night at dinner. really he thinks so little of me that I won't return to 1.Him 2. MY KIDS 3. my life ( besides these issues I have a pretty stress free life and I love my job) 4. my family that's here!!!! Holy fucking cow this said a ton to me. Why even stay with me if you think I'm going to walk away. And wait a fucking minute I keep telling you time and again that I'm not going anywhere...so you 1. don't listen 2. my words don't matter to you at all... he says I took it out of context and the minute I got upset he was done. Walked out of the restaurant and on the drive home wouldn't talk just kept shaking his head saying "whatever, your right I'm always at fault" I didn't say anything about fault and I'm wrong all the fucking time...he was done my voice went up and he shut down. I told him I was moving out of our room into the basement. He's already cut me off from sex so why sleep in the same room.
2. issue that we addressed with no resolve...fixing him, us and myself. I have to separate myself from His issues. His issues are his alone...not mine. I keep trying to help but my words just bounce off of him like he doesn't hear me. So as I said to him yesterday this stops now. I've been neglecting myself to benefit him. I've quit working out, dieting put on 30 of my 85lb. weight loss. I know I seem different when I'm getting healthy and you know what I am different. I'm happier!!! I'm more alert I don't sleep as much..I'm healthier. I want to be out in the world more...and I truly believe that he feels threatened when I'm like that. I'm sorry I can't fix what goes on inside your head..I can try to make it easier on you...but your issues are no longer mine. I can't fix it. You need to learn to deal and process your thoughts and emotions. I can't do it for you. I have my own issues to deal with. So here was my statement to him
"sorry I love you but there's somethings I cannot fix and this is it. I might be a cause of a lot of your issues (insecurities, depression, low self esteem) but only you can process your emotional baggage. I've tried everything I know to try.. Being very supportive, listening, not fighting even when I thought you were wrong. I've been reassuring honest and faithful. I've done my best but I have to take care of me too and I've been so focused on you and keeping you happy I've let myself go again. It stops now. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop loving supporting and taking care of you!! I love you even more for seeking help from a therapist. I hope we can now both heal and finally move on from the very messy chapter in our lives."
I agree that we both have to work on the "us" but as of right now...my priority is me...getting me back on track making myself healthy. I cannot and will not go back to the way I was..
My girlfriend S but it best yesterday at lunch. You have a split personality. When your away from him we get fun Heather..your happy, you interact with everyone and when he's with you your different..more solitary. You look to him for approval for everything and watch for his reactions. Don't you just want to be you??? That's the question I don't have to look for the answer too...I'm tired of walking on egg shells wondering what will be the next thing to tick him off. And honestly first it's I'm not allowed to go out of state because there are other men what's next?? Can't go to the store because there's other men there. Can't go to work because I work with men. Where does the line get drawn? It seems the rules I live by are getting tighter and tighter and I've never been one to follow the rules and once I feel my freedom is threatened I tend to act out. I'm not saying that's what is going to happen...but hell I'm now living on my couch...where do I draw that line??
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