Notice the word inserted in that phrase...typical...because the way that hubby and I communicate is anything but typical. In fact most people think we're on the brink of divorce most of the time because well we tell each other that all the time. "Oh that's it I'm done where's the lawyers number?" is honestly a question you'll hear in our presence at one time or another! We are on very different pages on the way we communicate (that whole opposites attract thing comes to mind).
So diving into the world of BDSM play with this type of communication probably isn't the best way to handle things. Because I want (need, crave, desire, please for the life of me I BEG) to play. I in fact am very willing to divulge into the world of being poly amours (look it up). He on the other hand is willing to just sit back let old age take over, let his ED take over, stay a hermit and swears to God that I'm all he'll ever need. I'm not suited for that life. It's never been in me to lead a life like that and before we use to find a happy medium but for now it seems as though we're butting heads at times.
He's very wishy washy and that drives me insane!! It's very similar to living your life based on a 3 year olds thoughts. Or better yet that dog in UP... SQUIRREL!!!! One day it's fine that I play with this person...but bring up him having to meet that person or their significant other and BOOM...oh look I decided this is too much for me to handle..shutdown time is how he reacts. I walk a very fine line in keeping him happy and some days I WANT TO JUMP!!! But I also want my marriage to work, I love and adore him like no other. I don't want my world to exist without him. Than there's my other side that has these desires that he made me promise to share and I do. Some days I feel punished for sharing them, other days loved. It all truly depends on his mood and how I read him that day. Yes he's full of insecurities most of which are my fault, I created them when I cheated so I'm very understanding that it's my job to make him comfortable.
SO now here's my issue at hand. I'm wanting to get involved with a poly person and he has certain rules within his relationship that he must follow (he does a very good job at that). And I as a person wanting to be with him must follow along. Now is the time for all of us to meet up and get to know each other...and basically get permission for us to continue our relationship.
If you've read my other posts you'll remember that our daughter had sex for the first time, he backed out of doing anything at the dungeon and newest that I didn't add in is he has asked that anything involving him and I that's kinky be put on hold until he can get a grip on the situation with our daughter. He's pretty much a mess emotionally. He already has issues with dealing with his emotions...he's a very bottle it up type of guy. So for the past 6 weeks every Friday has been our date night. We go to a very quiet restaurant sit for hours and just talk. ABOUT EVERYTHING!!! Including my relationship with this other person. Hubby knows all that I've ever done with him. I've been very upfront and honest with hubby about my feelings and how I want things to progress. Some days he seems ok..others he scares me.
For the past year I've been asking to play with others...girl, man... didn't matter just to play around..see what it was like and at times he has let me do a few things..other times it feels as though he dangles that carrot out in front of me than snaps it back just back just before I reach it. This is what I'm afraid of...that he's going to pull this carrot away from me!!! I'm afraid that this two will be taken from me and I'm not sure how I'll handle it.
So time to put on the big girl panties...Friday night he's going to listen to all I have said here.. he needs to understand that I have desires, wants and needs. That I desire want and need him first and foremost, but that this is a big deal to me. That its time we take this more seriously and work through our issues regarding this situation before we drag others into our lives. I think there's always going to be days that I want to JUMP...but I just need to remember to take a breath, relax and talk through everything open and honestly....damn acting like an adult sucks sometimes but I know the end result will totally be worth all the effort.
Well I hope, pray than wish for some magic that it will all be worth it!!! ;-)
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