My colored legs from the color run!!

My trip and race....

Well I did my first 5k of this running season (I don't run in the winter unless its on a treadmill). The race was oh so much fun. It's call the Color me Rad run...as your racing along you get colored cornstarch thrown at you. So you come out looking like an art project gone wrong. And let me tell you I looked a mess (I'll post a pic later). But the race was oh so very very worth it. I had fun and I cannot wait to do it again with my friends back home. While it was fun today  my other friends are a bit more forward than the crowd I was with today. Well at least my crowd back home know and accept every part of me. Today I felt I had to be reserved...one lady had her nose so far up in the air towards me I could see her walnut sized brain. So to make sure I didn't make her un-comfy I made sure to dial it back a bit...which sucked for me but I'm considerate like that when it comes to other peoples comfort level.

If there's one thing in this world I cannot stand about people...its snootiness. Don't sit there and try to look down at me. You are no different than anybody else in this world. Add to it that she was rude and well I was over her quickly. I came a very long distance to hang out with a very good friend than you monopolize his time...overly flirt with him (that I'm in high school and can't control myself fake crap) and than judge me...what the fuck ever. Your damsel in distress, oh save me my life is so fucking horrible, I'm fat (BULLSHIT) Oh pay attention to me cause I'm insecure about being 1 a woman and 2 a sexual being is childish and belittles all women on one level or another. Your type of personality disgusts me and I hate that I had to spend my weekend with you.

Talk about putting a damper on my whole weekend...but I won't let her or anybody ruin it. I had a blast got some sushi (tried a couple new rolls) got the best ever Electric Blow fish (Long Island Ice Tea type drink). Hot tub time and a nice hotel...plus some good times with my girlfriend. Oh and bought new shoes...I oh so love getting new shoes!!!  I loved the state very pretty..maybe next time I'll come down but hit the beaches. Bring the kids and have a good time again. All in all it was a good trip...but from here on out I'll stick to doing races with people who want me to be me. No more stragglers!!!

Now the long drive home....

weird awkward and the truth...

I don't like this I don't like this one bit..but I guess it's how things are. So time to accept it and move on. Not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it anyways so why stress...just continue to have as much fun as I can and deal with this all later....

I have a shower....

And I will use it to my full advantage!!! LOL

I don't hate you....

In fact I will always love you. I understand why you don't want to see me physically. It's too painful. I understand that your not ready to talk. I get that. After all these years you think I wouldn't understand you wanting some time and space to try to gather your thoughts and emotions and than step back into a world with me. I get  you I really do.

I just want you to know this one thing right now. I don't hate you. Honestly I don't. Of all the emotional ways I have ever been I have never hated you and I hope that I never do. I'll admit I've been angry, incensed, furious, enraged, irate, inflamed, crazed, exasperated and every other word for angry you could think of but never have I hated you.

So while I know we are over, we will get divorced we do not belong together anymore, I truly want you to be happy. I want you to find love again. I want someone to experience that love from you that I once got. And in turn I want to experience that type of love again. I want someone to actually crave me. To know that I'm a trustworthy person. That I'm loyal and wouldn't betray them in any way. You and I can never have that type of love again and while I find that sad, I know that one day you will be able to finally truly forgive me and move on. You will be able to love like that again one day.

We have had a great life together. Yes we weren't able to get through the rough times together but sometimes that happens. We are very different people than we were 19 years ago when we meet. We have both grown up and grown apart. We let our marriage go into just get by mode and I cannot live like that any longer.

We have 3 beautiful children together. And I know we'll continue to raise them together. At least in that department we compliment each other as parents. As long as we keep the communication open about the kids I think we'll do alright by them.

I wish I could show you this right now. I do want to email it to you, but I know your not ready. I'm also afraid you'll think that I want you back and no that's not the point of this. I just want you to know that I still want the best for you. I don't want you to hurt...I don't want you to suffer...I think we've done enough of that the past couple years. I want you to live, love and be happy. As I want the same for me....

I love being touched...

I'm a very touchy type of person. All of my close friends get hugs and kisses from me. I've always been that way. Since I was little. I would always hug people. I like that about me. Some people see it as a way that I flirt but honestly to me it's not flirting it's just me. My parents were not the touchy type. In fact any touch from my dad would make me back up 15 feet. Most of his touches ended very forcefully. Even the first time I remember seeing him breakdown and cry nobody would go near him to console him. His mother had just died and nobody would touch him. It broke my heart not only had I just lost my one main source of unconditional love but I watched my dad suffer alone. I knew from that day I never wanted to have those that love me to be afraid to touch me.

So my kids are my cuddle bugs and it has increased since this whole divorce thing. And honestly I love it. I need the cuddles as much as they do. The touch between us keeps me connected to them emotionally. I can sense how they really are doing. They are just like me wanting to be strong for the other. So of course they say they are ok...but I know better. I know C is just confused, he doesn't know what to make of this whole thing. He just wants us back together. J is scared big time. He's afraid his life is going to change drastically. His life is his sports and he's afraid that's going to go away and I promise it will not I don't care if I sleep in the car at practice he'll get his sports. A is harder to figure out I worry about how this is going to affect the way she feels about relationships. Is this going to affect the way she develops her future relationships.

J and I haven't been touchy in quite some time. Yes we would kiss good-bye but it felt like an obligation. Honestly if I didn't kiss him I would get accused of sleeping with others. So I would kiss him even when his breath would turn my stomach. He smelt so bad from smoking. With my last pregnancy I couldn't kiss him in the morning he would make me so sick. Add in that he wouldn't always brush his teeth...ugh... not something I miss.

I do miss kissing and cuddling. I miss it quite a lot. I miss my one really good cuddle friend he's so good at it. So I've been thinking about him so much lately. He's in every one of my dreams. So every time I sleep he's in my thoughts. I really need to make a date with him. Just to be in his arms makes everything feel a bit better even if it's only short term effects...it still feels oh so very good. He's just so yummy and so much fun to hang out with....ugh hopefully we get together really soon...I miss him!!!

Well pissed him off hardcore....

And no it did not make me happy. I really didn't know what else to do. I caught the virus my son had the other night...and I knew I was going to be sick so I left my parents house and came home even though he was here. We fought by text messages I told him I really had no choice...where was I suppose to go. I don't want to make my parents sick, plus my room at my parents is upstairs and there isn't a bathroom up there.

Honestly I didn't want to piss him off and I totally understand him not wanting me here. But I stayed in my room (which he doesn't sleep in here he stays on the couch) and only used the bathroom when needed. I never even saw him. So hopefully he can forgive this but I didn't and still don't see any other way.

I just need to send him an apology email now...

Woke up today...crying...

I don't like that feeling at all. I was dreaming about my kids and I'm not sure if that triggered my crying or if it was waking up at my parents. Today is the first time I'm going more than 24 hours without seeing my kids, due to the divorce. I've left my kids before and had a couple days away but this is different. I hate that I'm in the same town and cannot see them. It's not that J has said I can't but I want to be fair and give him plenty of time to be with them.

 My good friend knows how I woke up and that I'm feeling a bit down. So he's asking me about my kids. Asking about the funniest things they've done. Honestly its helping. I'm not feeling so bad. I wish I could just go home and hang out with them..but it's his day and tomorrow they are mine all day since school is out.


I was asked last night if I would start dating soon. While I answered with a "I don't know" I thought about it for the rest of the night. I think I need to be alone for a while. I'm not saying that I won't go out with friends and have a good time. But to actually date someone I don't think so. And I know as of right now...I'll never be the monogamous girl again. It's really not for me. So some might ask what about those deep feelings of needing cuddles, kisses and loving. Well I'm sure  I can get those feelings filled too. I've been self loving for years what's a few more!!!

Well I finally missed him....but recovered QUICKLY

And for all the wrong reasons.... youngest one got sick last night and threw up. Let's just say I typically never clean up the puke due to the fact that it makes me puke to smell it...so yea last night...I missed having him here to help with the sick kid.

Than I went into the basement he never finished the towels and sheets from laundry last week nor did he ever wash his clothes. OVER IT...no longer missed. He's home every night none of the kids are currently in any activities yet he can't finish 5 loads of laundry in a fucking week. Seriously...so yea missed him while dealing with the puke... cursed him when I went to start the laundry (this has been one of our subjects of discord for the past few years I feel like a total maid)...

And guess what I cleaned up all the puke and never got sick myself..so guess I am stronger than I ever thought.

First week.... well it's starting to heal

We seem to have gotten into a routine. Our days during the week seem to run like normal. I take the kids to and from school..only difference is when it's time for him to come home I leave. For now I'm sleeping at my parents house for a few hours than heading into work. So far it's working for us. I feel better knowing my kids don't have to shuffle around that it's him and I who are doing the shuffling. Than on my 2 days off (they are different every week) I take one day he takes the other. So far we have been very adult about the whole situation. Which honestly i didn't think he would be childlike about it...but he is being very fair.

Next week they are on Spring break so I'll have them all day with me. So I'll get some extra time with them which will be nice because next Friday I leave for my race in North Carolina. I cannot wait to finally meet my M..he's been such an influential part of my life for the past year.He always makes things better for me. He gives me a different view point and isn't afraid to piss me off. He just says what he knows needs to be said.

I'm starting to feel a bit back to normal. I can laugh and not feel guilty about it. When talking about the situation I don't burst into tears quite so fast. I'm still pretty touchy talking about my kids. I haven't laid eyes on J or spoken to him since last week. I think we needed this separation. We need to have a cool down period so once we do start talking again hopefully we can be more adult and get things accomplished.
I'm thinking we'll need to hire a mediator. Or maybe talk through our therapists. But that will all come with time.

I spent yesterday with a couple of my good friends. Who told me to start living again. I wasn't sure I should. Should I be down and depressed, should I keep my happiness to myself. How should one act when they end a marriage of 18 years? Well why should I act anyway but like myself? So today since my conversation with my friends I've done some things to help me feel better. I've painted my nails, taken a nice long bubble bath, planned a date night tonight with the kids (tonight's my night) cleaned up the house and paid my bills and for the first time in weeks..I ran 3 miles..... Yes they are all typical tasks that seems meaningless to others, but to a depressive type personality who was going down a dark tunnel all of that added brightness my life a bit. Add them all up and you have a light to guide yourself with. I have to keep looking forward not back. What has gone on in the past is just that the past. It's time to put on the big girl panties, be the good mom that I know that I am, be respectful and kind about the relationship that's ending but know that my life has not ended. I have 3 young people dependent upon me to be their rock, to be the one they cry too, to be the one they can call for cuddles when needed. I'm here now to love, honor and protect them in all sense of those words. I am a mom and forever will be...I'm just no longer married....

Friends... I have some of the most awesome friends ever

I have a good friend who sends me little inspirational notes everyday. She knows what I'm going through  and she knows me oh so very well..she should she's known me since I was little. I love her like I love no other woman I know. She's been through so much with me and while we haven 't laid eyes on each other in about 20 years we can still read each others minds. She knows that when I tell her I'm ok today that truly I'm just sliding by. That tears roll down my checks at random times during the day. And that I need her just as much now as I did when we were kids. She truly is my sister heart and soul through and through... and here's what she's been sending me:

Let yourself move to the next chapter in life when the time comes. Don't remain stuck on the same page.

It's always darkest before the dawn. 

People cry not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long.

You create beauty with your attitude your behavior your actions it's all up to you

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is...BAT SHIT CRAZY (and he is)

How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves.

You know that place between sleep and awake the place where you can still remember dreaming. That's where I'll always love you that's where I'll be waiting.

In this life we are all just walking up the mountain and we can sing as we climb or we can complain about our sore feet whichever we choose we still gotta do the hike.

Never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn't care about losing you.

If one dream should fall apart and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick up one of those pieces and begin again.

Your children will become who you are: so be who you want them to be

When you stop chasing the wrong things, You give the right things a chance to catch you.

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building
the new.


Sometimes she was trying to be serious and others she was just trying to make me smile. Those around me know that my smile has faded which is very rare for me. She knows by my voice that my smile is faked. She knows what goes on in the deepest part of my brain. And why this doesn't scare the shit out of her I'll never understand. God put her into my life and for that I have been forever thankful for. I love you (I know you read this). In fact I know most of my friends read this blog and to all of you..THANK YOU... you all have helped me in ways that I cannot explain. I love each and everyone of you truly and deeply. With all my love and kisses....

bashing

We all screw up, we all have issues, most of us try to inflict the least amount of harm to those around us. so why when a relationship ends do people feel it necessary to bash the hell out of the other party? With my marriage ending and my friends and family being told...why do most assume I want to bash the hell out of him? I don't!! he's forever in my life. And up until the past few years things were good. He can be a loving and wonderful father. He for the most part showed me respect and love. I don't want to go the rest of my life trying to find fault with him. I wouldn't be leaving him if I didn't already find enough fault.

I don't need the negativity either. once you start down that "well he did this to me...he's such a so and so" train of thought. You just feed into a very negative head space and right now I need to be positive and realistic of where my life is headed. Playing the blame game will get you no where quick. We both screwed up...we both can't forgive.. we both are ending this marriage. Also I believe once you start that blame game you bring a certain chip on your shoulder and guess what sweetie EVERYONE sees it. Even your kids.

So to keep myself in check, because I know my mouth gets me in some of the worst trouble, I only contact him through email. That way every time I go to write something I make sure it cannot be read as bitchy or self-centered. I'm trying my hardest to keep the time with the kids as fair as possible (and yes he's actually being very agreeable with it all), I'm also keeping contact to a minimum. We both need this separation. We both need this break to be as clean as possible. I know J very well and I'm sure his head and even physically he's a mess right now. Me I try to be strong but I have a few friends whom make me cry every time I talk to them (please don't stop texting and talking it's what's getting me though)...and please don't get me thinking about my kids...I haven't cried this much ever in my life. I pride myself on being the strong one.. the one who doesn't break down but I've never been through something this difficult ever in my life.

So my message to whom ever in the world might ever read this. If your ending a relationship no matter if it's a friend ship or a marriage..don't bash the other party...be the bigger person..wish them love, health and happiness and move on with your life. I know it sounds corny but honestly wouldn't you want to be treated the same way. Just me rambling through another sleepless day.....

Just me rambling...

well the first weekend was horrible for me. I cry at for apparently no reason. I can't eat..I can't sleep well without sleep aids and life in general just sucks. So yea how was your weekend??

J.V. seems to be taking it pretty hard. He begs me not to leave him with his dad and that's hard coming from him. Since he was born it's been him and I. We can read each other's minds. He's so much like me it's really scary. I like to say he's me in boy form. He's my froggy boy...my gift from God literally. It was so hard to get pregnant with him. Such a stressful time. But once I found out I was preggo it was amazing. So glorious..I was always talking to him and rubbing my belly. He always responded to my pokes on his feet through my belly.. he was so very long and such a big baby 9lbs. 13 oz and 22 3/4 inches long. He's always been my cuddler. He would just curl up against me and pass out and he still does that!!

C.R. is 7 and well he just wants us back together. He wants everyone in one house. My miracle baby who isn't suppose to be alive. He was born with a full knot in his umbilical cord. There's no explanation why he still had blood flowing through to him but God saw to it that he made it into my life. What a wonderful addition. My drummer boy who loves music as much as me and has full appreciation of all things superhero. He's such an old soul. You can look at that kid and see his wheels turning. I love how he lets his imagination just so wild and he doesn't care who sees him. I hope he keeps that freedom. It's a mind like his that will change things in this world.

A.A. well she's a teenager. She's pretty much clammed up. I'm not sure where to go with that girl. She's an amazing person. So very loving I know this has affected her but in what way I do not know yet. My other music lover this girl. Such a beautiful kind loving spirit. She takes everything in around here and analyzes it and spits it back in a way only her brain knows how. She thinks on a different level I'm not sure if it has to due with her not talking until later in childhood or not. All I know is she's amazing and I adore her through and through. I remember Fleetwood Mac re-did the dance the summer she was born and I would sing the songs to her and she would just stare and smile at me. The connection between us was and still is amazing.

My greatest guilt feeling right now is feeling like I've let them down. That us splitting up is just going to ruin them forever. But I also know that staying with him for this long has been done for all the wrong reasons. Our children were learning everything from us the good the bad and the ugly. I don't ever want my kids thinking that the way I was treated is how your suppose to treat someone you love. I also don't want them thinking that one person making all the sacrifices is the way it's suppose to be between two who love each other. I hope we all learn better ways to communicate...that their dad  stays just as involved in their lives as he always has been. I want the smallest amount of damage to be done to their lives...let me take this wreck upon myself.

It's over... my marriage that is...

Well there's no way to come back from this. He pretended to be some random guy and started talking to me through this "fake" profile. I knew from how this person wrote it might be him. Than one thing he said tipped me totally off and that's when my nasty side erupted. I made up all sorts of crazy stories of things I have done, I mean some off the wall crap and he bought it hook line and sinker. So I wanted to end the game I requested to meet "him" at a local fast food joint...got there that day at the scheduled time but I hid my car... sure enough about half an hour late..he pulls into the parking lot. I was so pissed I knew if I talked to him I would not be able to stop myself from hurting him. Trying to trap me like that is the lowest of the low.. than I get home to find out he's been going through the my laptop...going through my accounts again. There's no way to recover from this. Yes I cheated, I was wrong on so many levels but I've done so much to try to reassure him that I'm good that we were good that we could make it....I'm tired of being the only one doing the work.

I was working hard at keeping us together and he threw that out the window. Well after a year of trying I'm done. I want this pain to end..I don't want to continue opening myself up for this type of pain. The fighting in front of the kids is not health..that's how I was raised and let's just say NO THAT'S NOT HAPPENING!! My 10 year old asked me if I thought Dad loved me..I told him yes I think dad does but he has a hard time expressing it. He said well at least he could be nice to you. That says a lot. That kid is keyed in. I swear J doesn't understand that his kids can read every mood he has. They know when he's upset they know when he's happy. And no he hasn't been happy in a very long time. His mood swings and depressive tendencies show on those kids so much. I know they can read mine just as well...but I explain things to them..that yes mommy is sad and no she doesn't want to leave them but that having time with time is just as important as time with me.

So for those curious..no neither one of us is moving out at this point (who could afford that)... Since we work opposite shifts we've set up a system that we each get time with the kids everyday. On days I work I take the kids to school and pick them up just like every other day with the difference of when it's time for J to come home I leave and go to my parents. Than on the days I'm off..one day I get 24 hours with them at the house than he gets the other...the only issue I foresee and we haven't worked it out is when I have days off during the week and work the weekends. He can't switch his days so I'll still have to take the kids to school and such...it's a work in progress..and I know on my part I'm trying to be very fair with even amounts of time, as close as I can get!!! During the week I get shafted on time because they are at school but come summer I'll have more time with them..so really it's just a shift.


For me I wanted to keep them in the same house not just rip them from their home...not when emotions are still so new and everything is changing already. I know my kids  and they wouldn't be able to handle having their world swept up like that. It would cause 10times more harm than they are already experiencing. So for now yes we still live in the same house at different times...it's almost like shared housing with shared parenting. I know there's going to be difficult decisions coming up and at one point we'll have to move but for now this is working. With my shift I wouldn't want my kids left alone all night anyways..way too young for that.

I'm done hurting you

I can no longer keep up the facade. I am dying inside. I'm tired I'm lonely and I hurt. You tell me all I ever think of is myself well its time I make you right. From here on out I take care of me first.
I have caused so much heartache and pain. You deserve better than what I can give you. You deserve to have a partner you can trust and believe in. You deserve someone who loves you to beyond the moon. You are an amazing person and I will forever love you, but I have to take care of me and my heart now.
I need to learn to love myself. Every bit of me. From my twisted thought process to my messed up teeth. I have to learn to accept that I am a sexual being. I have to learn to listen to my inner voice. I have to learn to accept that I am who I am. I have to learn that I am beautiful both inside and out. I have to learn to love me and most of all I have to learn to forgive myself. I have to learn that telling someone my feelings is a way of showing them love.

But for now I need you to know this. I forgive you. For all the things that you did that  were wrong and you knew it and for all the things that pissed me off and I never told you. I apologize for not telling you how I truly feel all the time. I'm sorry for pushing you into the BDSM. I'm sorry I never felt comfortable enough with you to tell you about my darkest fantasies and desires. By keeping my mouth shut I have done you a very big disservice. You were never given a fighting chance by me keeping my feelings to myself. How could you know I wasn't alright when I kept telling you I was fine.

I'm sorry things are ending this way. I thought for sure we wouldn't part till we died. We'll always be connected, we'll always be in each others lives in one form or fashion. I just hope that at some point you can truly forgive and move on from all that I've done to you. I hope you learn to trust again someday...I hope you get the love of your life one day....you deserve that.

Just an update....

Hubby and I have had many discussions over the past week or so. We are suppose to write down 5 caring things we will do for each other and of course he got his done quick..me I'm having a hard time. If I have to spell it out is it worth it??? Now he's pushing me to get it done...and well honestly that makes me go slower. I just don't want to throw some things out there...I want to think about it and make an honest and true statement. I work every night and have meetings during the day so I'm exhausted but none the less he's pushing so I'm dragging my feet now.

He's currently going through another phase of insecurity..thinking that I'm doing things behind his back again. With him in this phase you would think he would go to the therapist this Thursday and work those feelings out but nope he cancels saying he's doing so well that he can go every 2 weeks. WTF??? I have been trying to reassure you for the past year that I'm not doing things behind your back what makes you think I can do it now??? He's back to making no sense....I did move back into our room thinking I need to move back out before we blow again. He sent me his blog saying I needed to read it so I did and this is where this info is coming from. He admits in the blog that he's just waiting for me to cheat on him again...fucking seriously dude!!! So from his blog he now really wants to read mine not as a way to control but a way to communicate. Guess what..NO..AGAIN I SAY NO...this is my place...my thoughts and feelings raw and uncensored and if you had access I wouldn't even do this!!!!

With him off of fetlife he wants access to my phone again (put a screen lock on it changed all passwords). He continues to say he doesn't care about my cheating last year that it's over. No controlling, no looking over your should, no pushing, no fighting, no saying one thing and doing the opposite. That we need to put everything into one pot..secret and non secret. Guess what buddy you know EVERYTHING...YOU HAVE FOR MONTHS!!! What do I have to do to make you believe that...I keep saying it over and over and over again...I'M TIRED OF THIS. It's like it's never going to end!!!

So once again...No he's not going to get my blog. It's my space it's my venting it's my crazy world that's inside my brain. I feel free here like no other place..besides subspace...nothing matters here I can say what I want and how I want to say it and it doesn't affect anybody!!! I love it it's my freedom!! No you cannot have my phone..it's mine..you have no business being in it...I show you my conversations with my friends.. I tell you about their lives when you ask. I'm not keeping secrets but I access this blog with that phone and I don't want you knowing this blog so its off limits.

If I'm already feeling this way and he wants to take me out Friday night to a place where we don't come home till Saturday afternoon...I'm afraid of what's going to happen... I'll try to keep this updated better.. it's just been quite busy!!!

Well that wasn't too bad...

We went to dinner last night and we had a normal civilized discussion. We discussed the things we talked about the other night without getting upset or raising our voices (OK honest time..I didn't raise my voice I'm the loud one!!) We talked about weather we thought this marriage is worth saving...both of us said we didn't know. We know that we love each other and that we have to find a way to communicate for the kids... but both of us feel like we're not sure if we want this continue at this point in time. He did ask if I was willing to do therapy with him (I already see someone one on my own) and I said yes of course. He did say that his thoughts had gotten to the point of thinking all of us would be better without him..he wouldn't say suicidal but I know where those thoughts were headed. He says it was late at night he couldn't sleep and they were fleeting but it scared him that they were still there. I've had many suicidal thoughts and people in my life..I don't think he's a danger at this time. But yes a very watchful eye is opened as well as I asked him to write those thoughts down and take it to his therapist next week. He's being seen weekly for now.

Next was a huge thing for me because I never saw this situation like this and it's something I did to him. I like to write erotic stories. And I have lots of stories where he's the guy I think of while writing. Well my friend W I wrote one for and posted it on fet...I've never posted a story about hubby...that made him so jealous. I never thought about it that way. I did something for a friend that I had never done for him. Now he's no longer on fetlife so I can't fix it all I can do is apologize.


I did tell him if at anytime he needed to cuddle or a hug that I was there for him, but that I didn't want to engage in sex. We've used sex as a cover for far too many years...and it needs to stop. He actually totally agreed. I think removing sex from the situation also removes a lot of stress that he feels. So update for now I still sleep on the couch on the nights that I'm home. We are now talking and being nice to each other and watching our phrasing and word usage in front of the kids. We both were getting a little too mean with our comments about each other in front of the kids. I'm hoping we continue down this path..it actually feels healthy!!