Beautiful

He called me beautiful.... repeatedly... *blushes*

Just got told to be happy.. I'm trying!!

And here's how he schooled me:

But you have to remember: you choose to follow a life that's going to make you happier. You know where you're going. He's still lost. And stupid.

Love you F and Thank you for picking me up and putting me back on track!! *KISSES*

WTF Happened???? I'm living in bi-polar HELL

I do not understand what the hell happened. We had some good and positive conversations this week. We talked about kids, what each of us wanted out of this divorce. Than this morning BOOM it's back to non-talking, tension filled, HELL... I hate when he's like this cause even though he tried to fake it near the kids.. THEY CAN TELL!!! They know how to read each of us. Both boys asked what was wrong with him and my daughter rolled her eyes when I asked where he was. Said "outside in his MOOD again." 

Top if off our youngest went away for the night and he let him leave without saying good-bye to me. WTF seriously..I didn't have to be so nice to loan you  30 fucking dollars this week....I don't have to call and make sure your awake every morning....I even made your fucking favorite dinner and got the cake for your fucking birthday and you continue to shit on me like this. Screw you...I don't have to be so nice I can make you living here a nightmare...

BUT that's not me..I want this marriage to end with us remaining friends. I'm not as low as you. I'll take the high road and pray one day my kids see how you truly behave. I'll continue being nice BUT if you ever were to read this...I'm glad this is ending..because the way you behave I wouldn't be that nasty to my worst enemy. I hope one day someone treats you just as bad as you've treated me. At least I can look at today and use it to point out to my kids remember how dad treated me that day....that's why we didn't stay together!!

The start of the downfall.... (wow this went long)

I guess most people believe that if a man has erectile dysfunction that it must be devastating to that man. While I'll never dispute how horrible it must be for a man to have this issue I want to look at how it effects the woman.Well I guess I don't want to look at it, I want to explain it. My soon to be ex-husband suffers from this and yes it has a good portion to do with why we are divorcing.

When we first got together our sex life was amazing just like most couples. We did it multiple times a day, experimented and yes we were even a bit kinky back in the day.Than with growing up and kids, jobs, stress of mortgage payments, him going to college.. well sex took the back burner. Looking back I remember that there were times we'd be having sex and all of a sudden he'd get a pain and there went his erection. Most times it happened with me on top and being a heavy girl I thought it was due to me being too heavy. So much so I refused to get on top. I'm still afraid of hurting someone under me. I wonder now if it was the beginning of his disorder.

Than we went through infertility. That's the time in which I didn't work right and I remember how I felt. Less than whole, un-sexy, un-womanly and just a basic blah about myself and how he could do better with another. I knew he wanted children and while we had 1 I knew he wanted more. His family was never really super close and he always said "what's inside our walls is my family nothing else matters". We needed more within our walls. So the pressure was on me. I went through a few phases...sex was to make babies and that was it. It wasn't fun it wasn't pleasurable it was babies, babies babies!!!! Every month that I didn't get pregnant was like a knife in my heart. All the pregnancy tests I took that were negative where shrapnel to my already open wounds. So yes I totally understand his perspective of "not working right" and how frustrating and ego blowing it can be.

Than I hit 33 years old and WOW oh WOW...what a difference a few hormones can make. Add in we're done having babies and he's fixed no fear of getting pregnant and I'm a fucking machine. Than his ED takes full affect. It's a huge road block. I feel bad for wanting sex. He feels like he's not satisfying me and we just keep going in this huge horrible cycle. So being that I'm home alone all day my porn viewing activities rises. My masturbation increases so much so I make myself sore at times. When we do attempt sex most times it ends with mutual masturbation anyways. So I might as well please myself whenever I want. Let's jump ahead I'm 35 and he still hasn't seeked treatment. I've been reading erotic literature for a while and I'm fascinated by the kinky side of things. I discover Fetlife and the whole world opens up for me. There's lots of people out there who think like me. Who want to play and discover...only I still have a sexual repressed hubby who won't get help and feels like shit if I mention sex.

I don't tell him about fet. I go on and live out the sex life I dream about in fantasy. I feel guilty, dirty and just downright odd. I can't turn my hubby on. He will be hard one minute and the second I try to suck him off it dies. If I move it dies. I feel as though its me. Have I gotten too fat...am I not interactive enough. Does he not find me attractive anymore. Am I too bitchy. I try everything to keep him happy and stress free. I do all the housework and try my hardest to keep the kids out of his way. I make sure he has nothing to do except to relax and maybe mow the yard every once in a while. I start to feel like the maid, the servant and while I'm naturally submissive...inside I'm so fricking angry there's days I just want to hurt him.

Finally after one bad night of a panic attack he seeks help for his panic issues....than doesn't follow through with the treatment. He loves to diss my brother for being bi-polar and not keeping himself on the meds... yet he won't stay on them either. He says it kills his erections when honestly he hasn't had erections to begin with. I ride this roller coaster daily with his mood swings and his over reactions to normal everyday typical stresses. With no help around the house from him, with me keeping all stress to myself and not getting the emotional support I need from him...I start a Dom relationship online. I finally open up about the kink. Talk to him about dungeons and that I really want to go to one to help us with our sexual issues.

When he finds out about this other side of me, is when he finally gets help for his ED. He gets the pills..fills the script says they are too expensive yet than takes 2 at a time. Than he never fills the script again. I go through the process of figuring out all the natural food supplements he should take to help support a healthy blood supply and flow and than he won't take those pills. It's like he was setting us up to fail.

I'm made to feel guilty for thinking about sex, wanting sex or that I masturbate too often. Now all of sudden I'm accused of fucking every walking man in our county. That I can't control myself and that I'm a siccko for wanting kinky sex. Next thing I know I'm not allowed alone...he goes everywhere with me...even the grocery store.


We attend dungeon parties together. But as soon as another man shows a bit of interest we have to leave. I had one comment on my shoes and hubby freaked! We go to the dungeon with promises of play to leave un-played with and confused. Get home and go to sleep. Cry myself to sleep thinking I've done something wrong to have him totally turned off by me. After seeing this "live porn" happen right in front of us to be totally not turned on, utterly confuses me.

I live in a constant state of confusion, one that he won't explain though I try to understand. Finally I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of the hurting I'm tired of the pain. We've tried working through this. I can't take the demanding needs of a man who constantly needs reassurance, who treats me like a second class person for one mistake. Yet than mood swing and I'm his mom who does everything for him. He doesn't even have to wake himself up. It's my job to make sure he goes to work on time...our 15 yr old can get up and get herself ready for school..makes her lunch and if I work over..makes his lunch and coffee...hell Cinderella at least had the mice to help her.

So those of you who've asked what happened...that's it in a nutshell. There's other issues we have. The demise of our 19 years of being together started and ended with sex... lack of it, need of it and both of us tired of hurting the other person...

Scary as hell.... but I made it through

And boy do I ever feel better now. First off I'll explain. Tuesday we had our first court date to decide the temporary orders of his requests in our divorce. He asked that he get sole custody, the use of the marital home (have me move out) and spousal support along with child support. Yea he got none of that.

We never even saw the judge. Our lawyers talked went to the judge he said alright and everything was set. We signed up for mediation and a parenting class that we have to take. Than it was time to go. No big deal all said and done. Hour and a half and we were done. Now we have to get a joint checking account (we've had our money split for years too many fights). Plus add in that we only get 50 dollars a week spending money. I really hope this ends soon.

But being that I've never been through this before I was still scared nervous and just in general freaked out. I had a few friends that wanted to go to court with me...I wouldn't let them. I married him on my own I can split from him on my own. (he had his dad with him) Not to say I didn't almost burst into tears numerous times during that morning. I had my phone and thank God I had bars!! I had some conversations with friends as well as this video http://ow.ly/k5Tn5 to keep me calm. It wasn't so much the hedgehog...even though he's adorable...it was the person behind the hedgehog. He's good for keeping me calm and thinking clear.

My family has also been very supportive. I love that they aren't into bashing on Jon either. They don't like how he filed wish he would of done it the cheaper route. But they know his parents are behind his decisions now.

As for my in-laws. I'm so glad my kids are seeing through them. They've been taking the kids out and buying them stuff...My daughter asked "so they think they can buy me"...she just rolled her eyes and said..."I'll use them for it but it doesn't change that they have not been there up until now." I love that she sees that. I do tell her that they love her which I don't doubt they do love them...but they prefer to love with money.

Now to get along living in the same house. I'm no longer going to my parents every night. I thought that it could be perceived that I was leaving my kids 6 nights a week. Plus the order says we must live together. So we better do it. This is going to be rough but as long as both of us are reasonable and work towards getting this done quickly it shouldn't be all that painful...yea right don't pop my delusional bubble people!! I like living in here some days!!! 

tomorrow is the first of many big days...

We go to court for the temporary orders from the judge. I'm torn between looking forward to it and and being scared to fucking death. I know I've done nothing at all to jeopardize my kids staying with me..but you hear those horror stories, and it's hard not to listen.

Here's what I think is going to happen. We're going to be put under a "under the same roof order" we have to live in this house till all the decisions about the divorce, custody and money divide happens. There's really nothing I want beyond my kids. Give me them and we'll be just fine. Honestly we've made it through this far with you only being a contributor of money I'm sure I'll struggle but I can take them the rest of the way.

I was thinking of all the things we've done as a family and honestly very few things come to mind. You see J wasn't all that interested in me until I wanted to leave. In fact most family vacations I've done alone. He rarely watched the kids when they were babies. I know for a fact he couldn't get any of them to their Doctors office or dental office....he just met the boys teachers 2 weeks ago at their school function. He doesn't know where shot records are, birth certificates or social security cards. Heck in the papers he sign JV's birth date is wrong in every single spot and C's birth date is wrong in one spot. Yet he wants full custody with child and spousal support...why did he have to go for that.

Why didn't he just do the shared parenting. I don't want to take the kids from him...ever. He's not a horrible person. He's just not the person for me. But most who know me know I won't take this lying down. I'll be in court tomorrow ready to fight. I won't fight for my pride, or to keep us together...I'm going to fight for what's fair...my kids...no amount of taking them out, having your parents buy them things, or taking them places you've NEVER taken them to before is going to change the way you've interacted with them their whole lives. Your a day late and a few dollars short.

I'll let you all know how tomorrow goes...weather from here or the 5 o'clock news...JUST KIDDING...

I'm the hero of this story and I don't need to be saved...just cuddled

well my blog proved a point..my gut reaction was to think he really wanted all of what was written in the papers that I got served with. I finally found a lawyer who's a really nice guy. Hopefully I can get the money together by Friday to retain him. But he explained that basically everything in those papers is typical legal lawyer talk. His lawyer is of course going to try to get him everything. So she put everything plus the kitchen sink in the papers. So really I'm not sure what he wants. I thought we were going to do a disillusion with bankruptcy and foreclose on the house. So now I'm in a total confused state..which honestly is nothing new. I've been so confused by him for so many years now. It's like living with 3 different people.

My parents are standing strong behind me. They were trying to stay neutral but after the wording in the papers my dad is pissed off. I try to defuse him but that's not easy. My mom is being really strong for me but I know she's disappointed. She's worried about money and the kids. I'm worried about my kids. Everything else will work out and I know deep down they will be essentially be alright..but still I'm worried. I don't really care about much besides making sure my kids are the least affected by this as possible. I'm not disillusion I know they are going to be impacted in some form or fashion. I'm just trying to make sure that as they grow that maybe they see something positive about how this all goes down. I want them to look back on my behavior and maybe just maybe say Mom did that right.

Is this where I imagined my life would be...NO... Why are you so upset? Isn't this what you wanted?... yes this is what I want to happen...we need to both split and be able to heal...why am I  upset...it still hurts. To look at my kids and explain that their lives are changing forever well dammit that hurts. To read the papers that say he's afraid of me..well honestly that hurts too...Him going against the disillusion and what we talked about before. For him to not talk about anything except if it relates to who gets the house which night and very little about the kids...it all still hurts. I understand but it still hurts. I'm one strong chick  I get that...but my heart is breaking in a way that I've never experienced. I've had a lot of experiences that others would find crazy. My heart aches and I cry easily...I want cuddles I want someone to hold me and tell me it's all going to be ok. But than I think of my life and realize I'm the hero of this story and I don't need saved. I'm going to be the one to do the saving....

well got the papers....

So the divorce is in full swing. I actually thought he would never do it. I"m sure his parents are behind this. I know they paid for it at least. And I understand that. What I don't get is him saying that...


he reasonably fears that Affiant will suffer physical abuse, harassment, annoyance or bodily injury and that unless restrained by order of this court said spouse will continue to cause said physical abuse, harassment, annoyance or bodily injury.


Really seriously...that one just floors me. Me harass him...how about all the phone calls to me at work. Him freaking out and needing me to reassure him that I wasn't doing anything bad. OMG that one kills me. Add to it he's asking for sole custody of the kids and to have me removed from the house...honestly what we have been doing has been working and now he goes and does this. What sucks even worse. He has his mommy's money behind him. I have nothing backing me. Just fucking peachy....

It's been a quiet week...

Really quiet and it's been nice. Jon let me have the kids an extra night because my schedule is screwy this week. So that was very nice of him. Made me cry. He really didn't have to give up the night. But once he realized that I wouldn't be with my kids for 12 days straight at night he told me to stay with them. So we got to hang out and I took them to the local arts and music festival. We had an amazing night. It was so much fun and I can't wait to do it again next month. So much to do and see. "J" was mesmerized by the music. Couldn't keep that kid from dancing. "C" was a little bit introverted but warmed up after he saw me and "J" having so much fun. He's still a bit young for everything that was going on around him. We let the teenagers go my "A" and all her friends went with us. They really are a great group of kids. I'm glad she has them at this time. I know they all talk about it because when she's not around her friends tell me how she's doing. They want a end of the year party and we've got most of it planned out. They are all very excited for it.

I'm finally back to exercising full time. Ran  over 15 miles this week plus today did a 20 mile bike ride. I feel wonderful (well besides my bike seat being embedded in my ass). My food isn't totally up to par..but with living between houses I haven't been very good at planning. That's what I'm going to work on this week planning out my meals better. I can exercise till the cows come home but if my diet is out of control the weight will stay on. So keeping a food journal this week and paying attention to everything that crosses my lips.

Speaking of lips I'm craving a make out session. I'm talking a kissing session like I use to do in high school. Where it felt like you were trying to swallow the other persons tonsils. The rubbing up against one another. OMG the dry hump (LOL). Hands everywhere, no words just grunts and groans. I miss those make out sessions. I have one friend with the perfect kissing abilities. I mean perfect. Soft lips, perfect wetness, I swear he's had to have been working on his kissing his whole life, or he really is just blessed in that department. From shoving me up against a wall, to grabbing  a handful of my hair and dragging me up to his lips. Every time I lose it just a bit more. I could kiss him forever. I miss his lips, I miss hanging out with him. Maybe one day soon we'll get some time to hang out. Until than guess I'll just dream of him even more.

My fetlife account..

Things sure have changed over on my fetlife. Seems if you take off having a hubby  things just pick up quick. It's been a bit crazy. Being no longer married and having a face picture up has seemed to up my popularity. To me its hilarious. I've started some really great conversations and others have made me laugh so hard I had to pee.

"you need me as your Dom, I can see it in your eyes on your picture" (my profile pic) my response was "really I had just masturbated to thoughts of my friend...and than sent him that picture pretty damn sure Iwas thinking about fucking him"... "nope sure as fuck your thinking of me"....yea no sure as hell wasn't and still am not!!! No thanks

"I mak u my cunt. leash you up on coke chan and let my homies fuk u lik the bitch  dog u r." I didn't reply to that one at all.....delete is my best friend in that conversation. although credit for spelling bitch right.

"You will do all that I say"... last time I looked I wasn't a Genie...but you go ahead and demand all you want there sweetheart. Trust me it's not going to get you far.

Why do these guys think this will work. Makes me wonder if this does work for them sometimes. I wonder if there's women who respond to those types of men. The only thing I can think of is either it doesn't work and these guys just randomly pick someone and send the same email over and over. Which fits the guy from Italy who messaged me.  HAHAHAHA yea he ran out of Italian women and came after this red head in Ohio.

The scenario I don't want to think of is that this type of email works. And I'm sure in a few cases it does. But I still don't want to think about it. Honestly I have low self esteem at times...I have my bad days like a good majority of people out there. But to have that low of a self worth to fall for those lines...I'll pray for you.

And maybe I'm just wrong and don't know enough kinky people..that's always that possibility.

I'm praying I get to feel him again soon....

A song that struck me today.... "I feel your fingers pound like thunder" made me think of someone special....yummy I cannot wait to feel your fingers again. I need to feel that slow fire burn again... 

http://www.vevo.com/watch/sugarland/run-sugarland-version/USUV71101991?source=instantsearch

*KISSES*

Well he got sick....

So here I sit...hiding out in my room. I picked up my daughter today and came home to seeing his car in the driveway. My phone had died while I was sleeping at my friends house, so I didn't get his text that he was coming to the house. He has the flu that I had last week. I feel bad...it was horrible. I'm sure he feels it bad.

I came inside and here he's lying on the couch. Now mind you 2 of the kids haven't had it yet..so it's very important to keep it contained. So I woke him up and told him to go to our sons bed. He won't get in our bed. Something about he just can't face our bed. Well whatever because J.V.'s bed SUCKS. He did say he was sorry for being so nasty the day I came home sick. At least he finally spoke to me.                                             
I truly believe he thinks I hate him. I really don't...I just don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to cause him hurt either. And we were both hurting a lot this past year. It  needed to end. Our relationship was very far from healthy. I believe it was emotional warfare. Holding grudges. Staying angry  when we swore we weren't.  Dis-trust...lying..holding back. It has just been so much pain that I couldn't take it anymore. I want to be happy again. I want to know that the person I'm with trusts me. I want to know that the person I'm with desires to be with me. That they crave every fiber of me.

We tried to fix it honestly we did. I think we have healing to do. Will we ever be married again...no... but will we be friends again..Yes..I believe so. Like I've said all along. I don't hate him I understand where he's coming from. We both have valid points and we both see things in our own way. I just hope he's able to heal and move on with his life....hell I hope the same for me.

Glad to be home....

What a crazy weekend...yet it wasn't all that busy. I know that hotel room really well...and honestly when on a trip you  don't want to know your hotel room...well unless your meeting a nice gentleman for the weekend and it's just you and him...Hey W we need to do that SOON!!! Yea I know you read this. Than I still might know the room that well..I'm sure he'll blindfold me at some point..oh this journal is going the wrong way!!!

ANYWAYS..... Like I was saying this weekend was fun. But I spent  it with a couple of wrong people..1. the person I took the trip with. She's so very vanilla..now while she would say a few things that would question her vanilliness...she was just a bit too anal retentive for me. I'm a bit of an extrovert (yes that might be an understatement) but she's just so worried about what others think of her..and well that's just not me. I don't care...love me or not it's your choice. She was so worried how we looked to others around us...honestly when I'm out I want to have fun that's what this weekend was suppose to be about. Having fun!!!

2. that other woman...the snobby rude bitch from NY...I've said enough about her would just like to forget her now.

So while I was hoping for more fun..ok I was hoping for an amazing weekend...I got a fun weekend. So yea it was a bit disappointing. I made the best I could of it all...

Funniest moment of the whole weekend...we ran out of gas..on the way home...the gas gauge quit working and we totally ran out of gas...so stupid yet I laughed so hard. Something weird is suppose to go on with every road trip and that was our thing. Add to it that I could of run to the gas station and been back long before road services showed up and I laughed even harder...plus with buying a tank to bring the gas back in would of been cheaper than road services... It's actually kinda sad that the trip home was funnier than the whole trip... oh well there's always making color angels with M.... oh and my 4 showers...I love showers now to get mine at home fixed...or another hotel stay...Hey W text me we need to do that!!! LOL

My colored legs from the color run!!

My trip and race....

Well I did my first 5k of this running season (I don't run in the winter unless its on a treadmill). The race was oh so much fun. It's call the Color me Rad run...as your racing along you get colored cornstarch thrown at you. So you come out looking like an art project gone wrong. And let me tell you I looked a mess (I'll post a pic later). But the race was oh so very very worth it. I had fun and I cannot wait to do it again with my friends back home. While it was fun today  my other friends are a bit more forward than the crowd I was with today. Well at least my crowd back home know and accept every part of me. Today I felt I had to be reserved...one lady had her nose so far up in the air towards me I could see her walnut sized brain. So to make sure I didn't make her un-comfy I made sure to dial it back a bit...which sucked for me but I'm considerate like that when it comes to other peoples comfort level.

If there's one thing in this world I cannot stand about people...its snootiness. Don't sit there and try to look down at me. You are no different than anybody else in this world. Add to it that she was rude and well I was over her quickly. I came a very long distance to hang out with a very good friend than you monopolize his time...overly flirt with him (that I'm in high school and can't control myself fake crap) and than judge me...what the fuck ever. Your damsel in distress, oh save me my life is so fucking horrible, I'm fat (BULLSHIT) Oh pay attention to me cause I'm insecure about being 1 a woman and 2 a sexual being is childish and belittles all women on one level or another. Your type of personality disgusts me and I hate that I had to spend my weekend with you.

Talk about putting a damper on my whole weekend...but I won't let her or anybody ruin it. I had a blast got some sushi (tried a couple new rolls) got the best ever Electric Blow fish (Long Island Ice Tea type drink). Hot tub time and a nice hotel...plus some good times with my girlfriend. Oh and bought new shoes...I oh so love getting new shoes!!!  I loved the state very pretty..maybe next time I'll come down but hit the beaches. Bring the kids and have a good time again. All in all it was a good trip...but from here on out I'll stick to doing races with people who want me to be me. No more stragglers!!!

Now the long drive home....

weird awkward and the truth...

I don't like this I don't like this one bit..but I guess it's how things are. So time to accept it and move on. Not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it anyways so why stress...just continue to have as much fun as I can and deal with this all later....

I have a shower....

And I will use it to my full advantage!!! LOL

I don't hate you....

In fact I will always love you. I understand why you don't want to see me physically. It's too painful. I understand that your not ready to talk. I get that. After all these years you think I wouldn't understand you wanting some time and space to try to gather your thoughts and emotions and than step back into a world with me. I get  you I really do.

I just want you to know this one thing right now. I don't hate you. Honestly I don't. Of all the emotional ways I have ever been I have never hated you and I hope that I never do. I'll admit I've been angry, incensed, furious, enraged, irate, inflamed, crazed, exasperated and every other word for angry you could think of but never have I hated you.

So while I know we are over, we will get divorced we do not belong together anymore, I truly want you to be happy. I want you to find love again. I want someone to experience that love from you that I once got. And in turn I want to experience that type of love again. I want someone to actually crave me. To know that I'm a trustworthy person. That I'm loyal and wouldn't betray them in any way. You and I can never have that type of love again and while I find that sad, I know that one day you will be able to finally truly forgive me and move on. You will be able to love like that again one day.

We have had a great life together. Yes we weren't able to get through the rough times together but sometimes that happens. We are very different people than we were 19 years ago when we meet. We have both grown up and grown apart. We let our marriage go into just get by mode and I cannot live like that any longer.

We have 3 beautiful children together. And I know we'll continue to raise them together. At least in that department we compliment each other as parents. As long as we keep the communication open about the kids I think we'll do alright by them.

I wish I could show you this right now. I do want to email it to you, but I know your not ready. I'm also afraid you'll think that I want you back and no that's not the point of this. I just want you to know that I still want the best for you. I don't want you to hurt...I don't want you to suffer...I think we've done enough of that the past couple years. I want you to live, love and be happy. As I want the same for me....

I love being touched...

I'm a very touchy type of person. All of my close friends get hugs and kisses from me. I've always been that way. Since I was little. I would always hug people. I like that about me. Some people see it as a way that I flirt but honestly to me it's not flirting it's just me. My parents were not the touchy type. In fact any touch from my dad would make me back up 15 feet. Most of his touches ended very forcefully. Even the first time I remember seeing him breakdown and cry nobody would go near him to console him. His mother had just died and nobody would touch him. It broke my heart not only had I just lost my one main source of unconditional love but I watched my dad suffer alone. I knew from that day I never wanted to have those that love me to be afraid to touch me.

So my kids are my cuddle bugs and it has increased since this whole divorce thing. And honestly I love it. I need the cuddles as much as they do. The touch between us keeps me connected to them emotionally. I can sense how they really are doing. They are just like me wanting to be strong for the other. So of course they say they are ok...but I know better. I know C is just confused, he doesn't know what to make of this whole thing. He just wants us back together. J is scared big time. He's afraid his life is going to change drastically. His life is his sports and he's afraid that's going to go away and I promise it will not I don't care if I sleep in the car at practice he'll get his sports. A is harder to figure out I worry about how this is going to affect the way she feels about relationships. Is this going to affect the way she develops her future relationships.

J and I haven't been touchy in quite some time. Yes we would kiss good-bye but it felt like an obligation. Honestly if I didn't kiss him I would get accused of sleeping with others. So I would kiss him even when his breath would turn my stomach. He smelt so bad from smoking. With my last pregnancy I couldn't kiss him in the morning he would make me so sick. Add in that he wouldn't always brush his teeth...ugh... not something I miss.

I do miss kissing and cuddling. I miss it quite a lot. I miss my one really good cuddle friend he's so good at it. So I've been thinking about him so much lately. He's in every one of my dreams. So every time I sleep he's in my thoughts. I really need to make a date with him. Just to be in his arms makes everything feel a bit better even if it's only short term effects...it still feels oh so very good. He's just so yummy and so much fun to hang out with....ugh hopefully we get together really soon...I miss him!!!

Well pissed him off hardcore....

And no it did not make me happy. I really didn't know what else to do. I caught the virus my son had the other night...and I knew I was going to be sick so I left my parents house and came home even though he was here. We fought by text messages I told him I really had no choice...where was I suppose to go. I don't want to make my parents sick, plus my room at my parents is upstairs and there isn't a bathroom up there.

Honestly I didn't want to piss him off and I totally understand him not wanting me here. But I stayed in my room (which he doesn't sleep in here he stays on the couch) and only used the bathroom when needed. I never even saw him. So hopefully he can forgive this but I didn't and still don't see any other way.

I just need to send him an apology email now...

Woke up today...crying...

I don't like that feeling at all. I was dreaming about my kids and I'm not sure if that triggered my crying or if it was waking up at my parents. Today is the first time I'm going more than 24 hours without seeing my kids, due to the divorce. I've left my kids before and had a couple days away but this is different. I hate that I'm in the same town and cannot see them. It's not that J has said I can't but I want to be fair and give him plenty of time to be with them.

 My good friend knows how I woke up and that I'm feeling a bit down. So he's asking me about my kids. Asking about the funniest things they've done. Honestly its helping. I'm not feeling so bad. I wish I could just go home and hang out with them..but it's his day and tomorrow they are mine all day since school is out.


I was asked last night if I would start dating soon. While I answered with a "I don't know" I thought about it for the rest of the night. I think I need to be alone for a while. I'm not saying that I won't go out with friends and have a good time. But to actually date someone I don't think so. And I know as of right now...I'll never be the monogamous girl again. It's really not for me. So some might ask what about those deep feelings of needing cuddles, kisses and loving. Well I'm sure  I can get those feelings filled too. I've been self loving for years what's a few more!!!

Well I finally missed him....but recovered QUICKLY

And for all the wrong reasons.... youngest one got sick last night and threw up. Let's just say I typically never clean up the puke due to the fact that it makes me puke to smell it...so yea last night...I missed having him here to help with the sick kid.

Than I went into the basement he never finished the towels and sheets from laundry last week nor did he ever wash his clothes. OVER IT...no longer missed. He's home every night none of the kids are currently in any activities yet he can't finish 5 loads of laundry in a fucking week. Seriously...so yea missed him while dealing with the puke... cursed him when I went to start the laundry (this has been one of our subjects of discord for the past few years I feel like a total maid)...

And guess what I cleaned up all the puke and never got sick myself..so guess I am stronger than I ever thought.

First week.... well it's starting to heal

We seem to have gotten into a routine. Our days during the week seem to run like normal. I take the kids to and from school..only difference is when it's time for him to come home I leave. For now I'm sleeping at my parents house for a few hours than heading into work. So far it's working for us. I feel better knowing my kids don't have to shuffle around that it's him and I who are doing the shuffling. Than on my 2 days off (they are different every week) I take one day he takes the other. So far we have been very adult about the whole situation. Which honestly i didn't think he would be childlike about it...but he is being very fair.

Next week they are on Spring break so I'll have them all day with me. So I'll get some extra time with them which will be nice because next Friday I leave for my race in North Carolina. I cannot wait to finally meet my M..he's been such an influential part of my life for the past year.He always makes things better for me. He gives me a different view point and isn't afraid to piss me off. He just says what he knows needs to be said.

I'm starting to feel a bit back to normal. I can laugh and not feel guilty about it. When talking about the situation I don't burst into tears quite so fast. I'm still pretty touchy talking about my kids. I haven't laid eyes on J or spoken to him since last week. I think we needed this separation. We need to have a cool down period so once we do start talking again hopefully we can be more adult and get things accomplished.
I'm thinking we'll need to hire a mediator. Or maybe talk through our therapists. But that will all come with time.

I spent yesterday with a couple of my good friends. Who told me to start living again. I wasn't sure I should. Should I be down and depressed, should I keep my happiness to myself. How should one act when they end a marriage of 18 years? Well why should I act anyway but like myself? So today since my conversation with my friends I've done some things to help me feel better. I've painted my nails, taken a nice long bubble bath, planned a date night tonight with the kids (tonight's my night) cleaned up the house and paid my bills and for the first time in weeks..I ran 3 miles..... Yes they are all typical tasks that seems meaningless to others, but to a depressive type personality who was going down a dark tunnel all of that added brightness my life a bit. Add them all up and you have a light to guide yourself with. I have to keep looking forward not back. What has gone on in the past is just that the past. It's time to put on the big girl panties, be the good mom that I know that I am, be respectful and kind about the relationship that's ending but know that my life has not ended. I have 3 young people dependent upon me to be their rock, to be the one they cry too, to be the one they can call for cuddles when needed. I'm here now to love, honor and protect them in all sense of those words. I am a mom and forever will be...I'm just no longer married....

Friends... I have some of the most awesome friends ever

I have a good friend who sends me little inspirational notes everyday. She knows what I'm going through  and she knows me oh so very well..she should she's known me since I was little. I love her like I love no other woman I know. She's been through so much with me and while we haven 't laid eyes on each other in about 20 years we can still read each others minds. She knows that when I tell her I'm ok today that truly I'm just sliding by. That tears roll down my checks at random times during the day. And that I need her just as much now as I did when we were kids. She truly is my sister heart and soul through and through... and here's what she's been sending me:

Let yourself move to the next chapter in life when the time comes. Don't remain stuck on the same page.

It's always darkest before the dawn. 

People cry not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long.

You create beauty with your attitude your behavior your actions it's all up to you

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is...BAT SHIT CRAZY (and he is)

How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves.

You know that place between sleep and awake the place where you can still remember dreaming. That's where I'll always love you that's where I'll be waiting.

In this life we are all just walking up the mountain and we can sing as we climb or we can complain about our sore feet whichever we choose we still gotta do the hike.

Never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn't care about losing you.

If one dream should fall apart and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick up one of those pieces and begin again.

Your children will become who you are: so be who you want them to be

When you stop chasing the wrong things, You give the right things a chance to catch you.

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building
the new.


Sometimes she was trying to be serious and others she was just trying to make me smile. Those around me know that my smile has faded which is very rare for me. She knows by my voice that my smile is faked. She knows what goes on in the deepest part of my brain. And why this doesn't scare the shit out of her I'll never understand. God put her into my life and for that I have been forever thankful for. I love you (I know you read this). In fact I know most of my friends read this blog and to all of you..THANK YOU... you all have helped me in ways that I cannot explain. I love each and everyone of you truly and deeply. With all my love and kisses....

bashing

We all screw up, we all have issues, most of us try to inflict the least amount of harm to those around us. so why when a relationship ends do people feel it necessary to bash the hell out of the other party? With my marriage ending and my friends and family being told...why do most assume I want to bash the hell out of him? I don't!! he's forever in my life. And up until the past few years things were good. He can be a loving and wonderful father. He for the most part showed me respect and love. I don't want to go the rest of my life trying to find fault with him. I wouldn't be leaving him if I didn't already find enough fault.

I don't need the negativity either. once you start down that "well he did this to me...he's such a so and so" train of thought. You just feed into a very negative head space and right now I need to be positive and realistic of where my life is headed. Playing the blame game will get you no where quick. We both screwed up...we both can't forgive.. we both are ending this marriage. Also I believe once you start that blame game you bring a certain chip on your shoulder and guess what sweetie EVERYONE sees it. Even your kids.

So to keep myself in check, because I know my mouth gets me in some of the worst trouble, I only contact him through email. That way every time I go to write something I make sure it cannot be read as bitchy or self-centered. I'm trying my hardest to keep the time with the kids as fair as possible (and yes he's actually being very agreeable with it all), I'm also keeping contact to a minimum. We both need this separation. We both need this break to be as clean as possible. I know J very well and I'm sure his head and even physically he's a mess right now. Me I try to be strong but I have a few friends whom make me cry every time I talk to them (please don't stop texting and talking it's what's getting me though)...and please don't get me thinking about my kids...I haven't cried this much ever in my life. I pride myself on being the strong one.. the one who doesn't break down but I've never been through something this difficult ever in my life.

So my message to whom ever in the world might ever read this. If your ending a relationship no matter if it's a friend ship or a marriage..don't bash the other party...be the bigger person..wish them love, health and happiness and move on with your life. I know it sounds corny but honestly wouldn't you want to be treated the same way. Just me rambling through another sleepless day.....

Just me rambling...

well the first weekend was horrible for me. I cry at for apparently no reason. I can't eat..I can't sleep well without sleep aids and life in general just sucks. So yea how was your weekend??

J.V. seems to be taking it pretty hard. He begs me not to leave him with his dad and that's hard coming from him. Since he was born it's been him and I. We can read each other's minds. He's so much like me it's really scary. I like to say he's me in boy form. He's my froggy boy...my gift from God literally. It was so hard to get pregnant with him. Such a stressful time. But once I found out I was preggo it was amazing. So glorious..I was always talking to him and rubbing my belly. He always responded to my pokes on his feet through my belly.. he was so very long and such a big baby 9lbs. 13 oz and 22 3/4 inches long. He's always been my cuddler. He would just curl up against me and pass out and he still does that!!

C.R. is 7 and well he just wants us back together. He wants everyone in one house. My miracle baby who isn't suppose to be alive. He was born with a full knot in his umbilical cord. There's no explanation why he still had blood flowing through to him but God saw to it that he made it into my life. What a wonderful addition. My drummer boy who loves music as much as me and has full appreciation of all things superhero. He's such an old soul. You can look at that kid and see his wheels turning. I love how he lets his imagination just so wild and he doesn't care who sees him. I hope he keeps that freedom. It's a mind like his that will change things in this world.

A.A. well she's a teenager. She's pretty much clammed up. I'm not sure where to go with that girl. She's an amazing person. So very loving I know this has affected her but in what way I do not know yet. My other music lover this girl. Such a beautiful kind loving spirit. She takes everything in around here and analyzes it and spits it back in a way only her brain knows how. She thinks on a different level I'm not sure if it has to due with her not talking until later in childhood or not. All I know is she's amazing and I adore her through and through. I remember Fleetwood Mac re-did the dance the summer she was born and I would sing the songs to her and she would just stare and smile at me. The connection between us was and still is amazing.

My greatest guilt feeling right now is feeling like I've let them down. That us splitting up is just going to ruin them forever. But I also know that staying with him for this long has been done for all the wrong reasons. Our children were learning everything from us the good the bad and the ugly. I don't ever want my kids thinking that the way I was treated is how your suppose to treat someone you love. I also don't want them thinking that one person making all the sacrifices is the way it's suppose to be between two who love each other. I hope we all learn better ways to communicate...that their dad  stays just as involved in their lives as he always has been. I want the smallest amount of damage to be done to their lives...let me take this wreck upon myself.

It's over... my marriage that is...

Well there's no way to come back from this. He pretended to be some random guy and started talking to me through this "fake" profile. I knew from how this person wrote it might be him. Than one thing he said tipped me totally off and that's when my nasty side erupted. I made up all sorts of crazy stories of things I have done, I mean some off the wall crap and he bought it hook line and sinker. So I wanted to end the game I requested to meet "him" at a local fast food joint...got there that day at the scheduled time but I hid my car... sure enough about half an hour late..he pulls into the parking lot. I was so pissed I knew if I talked to him I would not be able to stop myself from hurting him. Trying to trap me like that is the lowest of the low.. than I get home to find out he's been going through the my laptop...going through my accounts again. There's no way to recover from this. Yes I cheated, I was wrong on so many levels but I've done so much to try to reassure him that I'm good that we were good that we could make it....I'm tired of being the only one doing the work.

I was working hard at keeping us together and he threw that out the window. Well after a year of trying I'm done. I want this pain to end..I don't want to continue opening myself up for this type of pain. The fighting in front of the kids is not health..that's how I was raised and let's just say NO THAT'S NOT HAPPENING!! My 10 year old asked me if I thought Dad loved me..I told him yes I think dad does but he has a hard time expressing it. He said well at least he could be nice to you. That says a lot. That kid is keyed in. I swear J doesn't understand that his kids can read every mood he has. They know when he's upset they know when he's happy. And no he hasn't been happy in a very long time. His mood swings and depressive tendencies show on those kids so much. I know they can read mine just as well...but I explain things to them..that yes mommy is sad and no she doesn't want to leave them but that having time with time is just as important as time with me.

So for those curious..no neither one of us is moving out at this point (who could afford that)... Since we work opposite shifts we've set up a system that we each get time with the kids everyday. On days I work I take the kids to school and pick them up just like every other day with the difference of when it's time for J to come home I leave and go to my parents. Than on the days I'm off..one day I get 24 hours with them at the house than he gets the other...the only issue I foresee and we haven't worked it out is when I have days off during the week and work the weekends. He can't switch his days so I'll still have to take the kids to school and such...it's a work in progress..and I know on my part I'm trying to be very fair with even amounts of time, as close as I can get!!! During the week I get shafted on time because they are at school but come summer I'll have more time with them..so really it's just a shift.


For me I wanted to keep them in the same house not just rip them from their home...not when emotions are still so new and everything is changing already. I know my kids  and they wouldn't be able to handle having their world swept up like that. It would cause 10times more harm than they are already experiencing. So for now yes we still live in the same house at different times...it's almost like shared housing with shared parenting. I know there's going to be difficult decisions coming up and at one point we'll have to move but for now this is working. With my shift I wouldn't want my kids left alone all night anyways..way too young for that.

I'm done hurting you

I can no longer keep up the facade. I am dying inside. I'm tired I'm lonely and I hurt. You tell me all I ever think of is myself well its time I make you right. From here on out I take care of me first.
I have caused so much heartache and pain. You deserve better than what I can give you. You deserve to have a partner you can trust and believe in. You deserve someone who loves you to beyond the moon. You are an amazing person and I will forever love you, but I have to take care of me and my heart now.
I need to learn to love myself. Every bit of me. From my twisted thought process to my messed up teeth. I have to learn to accept that I am a sexual being. I have to learn to listen to my inner voice. I have to learn to accept that I am who I am. I have to learn that I am beautiful both inside and out. I have to learn to love me and most of all I have to learn to forgive myself. I have to learn that telling someone my feelings is a way of showing them love.

But for now I need you to know this. I forgive you. For all the things that you did that  were wrong and you knew it and for all the things that pissed me off and I never told you. I apologize for not telling you how I truly feel all the time. I'm sorry for pushing you into the BDSM. I'm sorry I never felt comfortable enough with you to tell you about my darkest fantasies and desires. By keeping my mouth shut I have done you a very big disservice. You were never given a fighting chance by me keeping my feelings to myself. How could you know I wasn't alright when I kept telling you I was fine.

I'm sorry things are ending this way. I thought for sure we wouldn't part till we died. We'll always be connected, we'll always be in each others lives in one form or fashion. I just hope that at some point you can truly forgive and move on from all that I've done to you. I hope you learn to trust again someday...I hope you get the love of your life one day....you deserve that.

Just an update....

Hubby and I have had many discussions over the past week or so. We are suppose to write down 5 caring things we will do for each other and of course he got his done quick..me I'm having a hard time. If I have to spell it out is it worth it??? Now he's pushing me to get it done...and well honestly that makes me go slower. I just don't want to throw some things out there...I want to think about it and make an honest and true statement. I work every night and have meetings during the day so I'm exhausted but none the less he's pushing so I'm dragging my feet now.

He's currently going through another phase of insecurity..thinking that I'm doing things behind his back again. With him in this phase you would think he would go to the therapist this Thursday and work those feelings out but nope he cancels saying he's doing so well that he can go every 2 weeks. WTF??? I have been trying to reassure you for the past year that I'm not doing things behind your back what makes you think I can do it now??? He's back to making no sense....I did move back into our room thinking I need to move back out before we blow again. He sent me his blog saying I needed to read it so I did and this is where this info is coming from. He admits in the blog that he's just waiting for me to cheat on him again...fucking seriously dude!!! So from his blog he now really wants to read mine not as a way to control but a way to communicate. Guess what..NO..AGAIN I SAY NO...this is my place...my thoughts and feelings raw and uncensored and if you had access I wouldn't even do this!!!!

With him off of fetlife he wants access to my phone again (put a screen lock on it changed all passwords). He continues to say he doesn't care about my cheating last year that it's over. No controlling, no looking over your should, no pushing, no fighting, no saying one thing and doing the opposite. That we need to put everything into one pot..secret and non secret. Guess what buddy you know EVERYTHING...YOU HAVE FOR MONTHS!!! What do I have to do to make you believe that...I keep saying it over and over and over again...I'M TIRED OF THIS. It's like it's never going to end!!!

So once again...No he's not going to get my blog. It's my space it's my venting it's my crazy world that's inside my brain. I feel free here like no other place..besides subspace...nothing matters here I can say what I want and how I want to say it and it doesn't affect anybody!!! I love it it's my freedom!! No you cannot have my phone..it's mine..you have no business being in it...I show you my conversations with my friends.. I tell you about their lives when you ask. I'm not keeping secrets but I access this blog with that phone and I don't want you knowing this blog so its off limits.

If I'm already feeling this way and he wants to take me out Friday night to a place where we don't come home till Saturday afternoon...I'm afraid of what's going to happen... I'll try to keep this updated better.. it's just been quite busy!!!

Well that wasn't too bad...

We went to dinner last night and we had a normal civilized discussion. We discussed the things we talked about the other night without getting upset or raising our voices (OK honest time..I didn't raise my voice I'm the loud one!!) We talked about weather we thought this marriage is worth saving...both of us said we didn't know. We know that we love each other and that we have to find a way to communicate for the kids... but both of us feel like we're not sure if we want this continue at this point in time. He did ask if I was willing to do therapy with him (I already see someone one on my own) and I said yes of course. He did say that his thoughts had gotten to the point of thinking all of us would be better without him..he wouldn't say suicidal but I know where those thoughts were headed. He says it was late at night he couldn't sleep and they were fleeting but it scared him that they were still there. I've had many suicidal thoughts and people in my life..I don't think he's a danger at this time. But yes a very watchful eye is opened as well as I asked him to write those thoughts down and take it to his therapist next week. He's being seen weekly for now.

Next was a huge thing for me because I never saw this situation like this and it's something I did to him. I like to write erotic stories. And I have lots of stories where he's the guy I think of while writing. Well my friend W I wrote one for and posted it on fet...I've never posted a story about hubby...that made him so jealous. I never thought about it that way. I did something for a friend that I had never done for him. Now he's no longer on fetlife so I can't fix it all I can do is apologize.


I did tell him if at anytime he needed to cuddle or a hug that I was there for him, but that I didn't want to engage in sex. We've used sex as a cover for far too many years...and it needs to stop. He actually totally agreed. I think removing sex from the situation also removes a lot of stress that he feels. So update for now I still sleep on the couch on the nights that I'm home. We are now talking and being nice to each other and watching our phrasing and word usage in front of the kids. We both were getting a little too mean with our comments about each other in front of the kids. I'm hoping we continue down this path..it actually feels healthy!!

Well looks like I'm addicted to sex...HUH???

Well that's what his therapist told him. Of course it was one of the last things he said so I'm thinking it was the hook to make sure hubby would come back to him. Look I'm all for therapy...I'm truly hoping it helps... because no matter what happens between him and I...we have to find a way to communicate. We have kids and they deserve better than what we have been giving them. We have to learn to deal with each other to be parents to our children.

Hubby gave the guy the whole back story I'm guessing a condensed version as it was only 1 hour long. During the conversation the dungeon and our BDSM was brought up. This guy has never had patients with BDSM issues. As I try to explain to hubby BDSM has nothing to do our issues that its how I don't feel loved or respected by him, he got defensive saying "but I tell you all the time that I love you". My first love language is acts of service with words of affirmation being second. When I responded with you can say you love me all you want but not having a working shower after 5 years shows me just what you think of me. (he can pretty easily fix our shower, the only one, but for some reason he just never has even though I've been begging him to for all these years.) I'm a pretty basic girl..give me a shower and I'm putty in your hands. Oh you love me enough to fix that shower so I can take a shower how wonderful *swoon*.

Hubby truly believes that ALL of our issues are related to BDSM, his ED and my cheating. While I'm not saying they having nothing at all with it...they influence it yes..but the ROOT of our issues boil down to feelings of not being loved, respected or cared for at all. Than  add in me being an enabler and my way of keeping the peace which really is me bottling all my feelings and making sure nothing upsets him. I do anything and everything to avoid conflict with him. I do anything and everything to make sure he's reactions to any type of stress or new situation is positive to the point that I take that stress on myself. That is my main issue within myself. I have to stop this behavior.

So my ending to our conversation last night i think made him think. I haven't really heard a response per say but I'm sure it dug in a bit. I am no longer taking responsibility for your reactions. I'm no longer taking responsibility for your feelings. Your feelings are yours and you need to learn how to process through your emotions and feelings. I'm no longer going to feel guilty for having really good friends who I can lean on in times like these. I'm not going to apologize for being an extrovert. I'm going to be the real me with or without you. No longer will I behave different when your with me to avoid having conflict with you later about my behavior. I no longer will avoid conflict or situations that will cause conflict with you. I love you and always will we will forever be apart of each other's lives. I vow to you to find a way that we can communicate that helps you not hinders you in any way.  I than told him I had to get ready for work... he asked if I would move back into our bedroom and I told him no not at this time. We've proved time and again that once we have sex we stop discussing the issue at hand and believe it's all fixed. This will take some time and no I have no timeline in mind. He seemed upset at this but as I said I really had to get to work.. I guess we'll see Friday night we are going to our restaurant and see if we can talk some more...

It hasn't been good around here...

We truly haven't spoken since Friday night and actually I'm alright with that. I went to find legal help yesterday. Sounds expensive and still trying to work it out about keeping kiddos with me as I feel he's unstable at times. Not that I think he would hurt the kids (I have enough mental health issues in my family if I thought for one second he would hurt himself or the kids I'd be OUT OF HERE!!!) When I say unstable I mean just everyone around him feels his angry and sadness. Its really not a healthy environment for the kids honestly.

And it's no longer a healthy environment for me. Not only have I put myself on the back burner both emotionally and physically..I've but some of my relationships on the back burner. Relationships that I've had for many many years. Even newer healthy relationships I've put on hold not knowing where I was going or what I was doing. Well I've made my mind up I know where my life is heading and I've  haven't felt this good in 3 years.

Now I'm not all "head in the clouds" floaty...I know I'll have more bad days than  great. The loneliness is going to be very difficult to deal with. It doesn't matter that we will live in the same house for now. We are no longer what we once were. My focus is on my kids...I have to make sure they feel safe and loved by not only me but also by him. It's time this 13 year old girl stuck in a 37 years old body pulls up her big girl pants and looks out for her kids. They come first and pushing for them to have a great relationship with their dad. I need to learn to communicate with him on a level that's friendly and workable for all of us. The tension needs to dissipate. I don't want them to live in a constant state of tension, anger and hurt. I want them to heal first!! I just hope and pray we can work things this way...

My tonight ended very badly....

I moved out of our bedroom...for the 2 nights that I'm home I'll be crashing on the couch... this went totally wrong...and I don't see a way of fixing it. I thought after yesterday's conversation that we were on the right track. Last night it all fell apart.

I have a race in a different state that I've been dying to do. And the reason I'm going to another state to run it is just so I can meet my weight loss coach Mike. No other reason. I even got  a girlfriend to go with me as a babysitter. But even with her I'm not safe. Hubby really wanted to go and at first I was cool with it. No big deal he can walk the 5k even if he's still smoking. But when I invited my girlfriend I didn't realize she had never had a road trip or even a girls weekend to go and have some fun. She was upset when she found out hubby was coming. She really wanted it to be just her and I. So she asked hubby why was he coming. He never did answer her..but boy did he answer me. He cannot trust me because Mike (or any man) will be there. It doesn't matter that I have T as my babysitter. One added comment to that relationship T is hubby's friend from high school...not mine...her and I have never been really close..she and her hubby we're friends with my hubby long before I came into the picture!

So all that happened which sparked our conversation Friday night at dinner....which really began earlier in the day by text message...I had stopped asking him if he was ok because I knew he wasn't, that he was holding back on me. As much as he says he can read me...I can read him..19 years together does that to people.
Here are the bullet points as we quit talking at all (well heck how can we talk I slept in the chair)...all he says to me now is "whatever"...mind you it's 5 am so it's not like he's awake...

Here's word for word the text messages

H: Ok, here it goes!This also has to do with u going to another state. I have haunting images of when i first saw the n.c. map from last year. (the guy I was cheating with lives in NC= I got a babysitter to go with me and she knows I cheated) For I'm very scared that i'm losing u. feels like world is out of control. I can't bear these thoughts anymore and need more help. That's why i called the therapy yesterday. It doesn't matter if T is going with u, i just feel threatened. I really wish i could go but seems more excited going with T. And I get that girls weekend. I'm also worried about u being on the road by urselves.

Me: Do you truly feel that I'm not going to return??

H; Sometimes yea

Now that's where I got upset but held back at that point but brought it up last night at dinner. really he thinks so little of me that I won't return to 1.Him 2. MY KIDS 3. my life ( besides these issues I have a pretty stress free life and I love my job) 4. my family that's here!!!! Holy fucking cow this said a ton to me. Why even stay with me if you think I'm going to walk away. And wait a fucking minute I keep telling you time and again that I'm not going anywhere...so you 1. don't listen 2. my words don't matter to you at all... he says I took it out of context and the minute I got upset he was done. Walked out of the restaurant and on the drive home wouldn't talk just kept shaking his head saying "whatever, your right I'm always at fault" I didn't say anything about fault and I'm wrong all the fucking time...he was done my voice went up and he shut down. I told him I was moving out of our room into the basement. He's already cut me off from sex so why sleep in the same room.

2. issue that we addressed with no resolve...fixing him, us and myself. I have to separate myself from His issues. His issues are his alone...not mine. I keep trying to help but my words just bounce off of him like he doesn't hear me. So as I said to him yesterday this stops now. I've been neglecting myself to benefit him. I've quit working out, dieting put on 30 of my 85lb. weight loss. I know I seem different when I'm getting healthy and you know what I am different. I'm happier!!! I'm more alert I don't sleep as much..I'm healthier. I want to be out in the world more...and I truly believe that he feels threatened when I'm like that. I'm sorry I can't fix what goes on inside your head..I can try to make it easier on you...but your issues are no longer mine. I can't fix it. You need to learn to deal and process your thoughts and emotions. I can't do it for you. I have my own issues to deal with. So here was my statement to him

"sorry I love you but there's somethings I cannot fix and this is it. I might be a cause of a lot of your issues (insecurities, depression, low self esteem) but only you can process your emotional baggage. I've tried everything I know to try.. Being very supportive, listening, not fighting even when I thought you were wrong. I've been reassuring honest and faithful. I've done my best but I have to take care of me too and I've been so focused on you and keeping you happy I've let myself go again. It stops now. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop loving supporting and taking care of you!! I love you even more for seeking help from a therapist. I hope we can now both heal and finally move on from the very messy chapter in our lives."

I agree that we both have to work on the "us" but as of right now...my priority is me...getting me back on track making myself healthy. I cannot and will not go back to the way I was..

My girlfriend S but it best yesterday at lunch. You have a split personality. When your away from him we get fun Heather..your happy, you interact with everyone and when he's with you your different..more solitary. You look to him for approval for everything and watch for his reactions. Don't you just want to be you???  That's the question I don't have to look for the answer too...I'm tired of walking on egg shells wondering what will be the next thing to tick him off. And honestly first it's I'm not allowed to go out of state because there are other men what's next?? Can't go to the store because there's other men there. Can't go to work because I work with men. Where does the line get drawn? It seems the rules I live by are getting tighter and tighter and I've never been one to follow the rules and once I feel my freedom is threatened I tend to act out. I'm not saying that's what is going to happen...but hell I'm now living on my couch...where do I draw that line??

Lack of typical communication...

Notice the word inserted in that phrase...typical...because the way that hubby and I communicate is anything but typical. In fact most people think we're on the brink of divorce most of the time because well we tell each other that all the time. "Oh that's it I'm done where's the lawyers number?" is honestly a question you'll hear in our presence at one time or another! We are on very different pages on the way we communicate (that whole opposites attract thing comes to mind).
So diving into the world of BDSM play with this type of communication probably isn't the best way to handle things. Because I want (need, crave, desire, please for the life of me I BEG) to play. I in fact am very willing to divulge into the world of being poly amours (look it up). He on the other hand is willing to just sit back let old age take over, let his ED take over, stay a hermit and swears to God that I'm all he'll ever need. I'm not suited for that life. It's never been in me to lead a life like that and before we use to find a happy medium but for now it seems as though we're butting heads at times.
He's very wishy washy and that drives me insane!! It's very similar to living your life based on a 3 year olds thoughts. Or better yet that dog in UP... SQUIRREL!!!! One day it's fine that I play with this person...but bring up him having to meet that person or their significant other and BOOM...oh look I decided this is too much for me to handle..shutdown time is how he reacts. I walk a very fine line in keeping him happy and some days I WANT TO JUMP!!! But I also want my marriage to work, I love and adore him like no other. I don't want my world to exist without him. Than there's my other side that has these desires that he made me promise to share and I do. Some days I feel punished for sharing them, other days loved. It all truly depends on his mood and how I read him that day. Yes he's full of insecurities most of which are my fault, I created them when I cheated so I'm very understanding that it's my job to make him comfortable.
SO now here's my issue at hand. I'm wanting to get involved with a poly person and he has certain rules within his relationship that he must follow (he does a very good job at that). And I as a person wanting to be with him must follow along. Now is the time for all of us to meet up and get to know each other...and basically get permission for us to continue our relationship.
 If you've read my other posts you'll remember that our daughter had sex for the first time, he backed out of doing anything at the dungeon and newest that I didn't add in is he has asked that anything involving him and I that's kinky be put on hold until he can get a grip on the situation with our daughter. He's pretty much a mess emotionally. He already has issues with dealing with his emotions...he's a very bottle it up type of guy. So for the past 6 weeks every Friday has been our date night. We go to a very quiet restaurant sit for hours and just talk. ABOUT EVERYTHING!!! Including my relationship with this other person. Hubby knows all that I've ever done with him. I've been very upfront and honest with hubby about my feelings and how I want things to progress. Some days he seems ok..others he scares me.
For the past year I've been asking to play with others...girl, man... didn't matter just to play around..see what it was like and at times he has let me do a few things..other times it feels as though he dangles that carrot out in front of me than snaps it back just back just before I reach it. This is what I'm afraid of...that he's going to pull this carrot away from me!!! I'm afraid that this two will be taken from me and I'm not sure how I'll handle it.
 So time to put on the big girl panties...Friday night he's going to listen to all I have said here.. he needs to understand that I have desires, wants and needs. That I desire want and need him first and foremost, but that this is a big deal to me. That its time we take this more seriously and work through our issues regarding this situation before we drag others into our lives. I think there's always going to be days that I want to JUMP...but I just need to remember to take a breath, relax and talk through everything open and honestly....damn acting like an adult sucks sometimes but I know the end result will totally be worth all the effort.
Well I hope, pray than wish for some magic that it will all be worth it!!! ;-)

One of the hardest things I've ever written...

30lbs.

Wow that's a lot of weight...that took me so much time to lose. And I gained it all back in what seems like no time at all..but in all honesty it was 3 months. I backslid. I failed. I didn't do the work. I didn't take the time to take care of me. There's so many things I didn't do. And it's all on me. I have no one to blame but myself.  I will give no excuses.

The worst is feeling that I have failed others. I have a weight loss coach who's also my very good friend as well as just a general kick ass kind of guy. I call him "My Mike". He's the one I fear I've disappointed the most. He's the one I fear hearing that "sigh" from. Not that I don't deserve it...I totally do!!

Still I hate to think that in some way I've hurt him at the same time hurting myself. I'm not doing this weight loss for him it's all for me, but he's the one who's been with me through it all..from the very beginning!!! I owe so much to him I'll never be able to repay him (right now he's saying yes you can you can get your butt back on track).

So here I sit...writing this out wanting nothing more than to not have to deal with all of it. But I must..I cannot go totally back to where I was.. I have my plan, I'm prepping my life, cleaning out the garbage dusting off the treadmill. I will get back on my journey to health...I will get back to the lowest weight again. This I promise to myself.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!! My first experience of pure love

During my childhood my "household" family wasn't where I learned about love. I first learned about love from my Paternal grandmother and we lived far from her. But when I did get time with her she showed love like no other relative I have. She laid the foundation but others built my heart. 

I learned about love from my friends and their families. The first family that taught me how a family should be came into my life around the age of 10. Deanna and her family moved in down the street and we rode the bus together. She was a grade lower than me at school but since we lived so close and we were just so awesome together we became inseparable. I called her parents Mom and Dad. We stayed the night together almost every weekend. We are still best friends to this day.... almost 30 years later.

 One situation stands out in my mind. Let me set the story a bit. In my house the n-word was thrown around like it was a very common word. A huge Confederate flag flew above my house....my new best friends dad is black. I'm 10 and he's truly the first black man I've ever really had a conversation with. One day I say the n-word near him. He turns to me and I see the hurt in his eyes. I start to freak out inside thinking for sure that I'll never be allowed back to their home. That my bestest friend ever is gone...but here's how he handled the situation.

He called me over and we sat at the kitchen table. "I know your young and I've met your family. Your a beautiful, wonderful girl and I love you, but you just hurt me like nobody has ever hurt me. That word is just nasty. It's meant to hurt people and it does. It hurts really bad. You know how when your brothers call you names and make you cry? Well you just made me want to cry...and honestly your not suppose to make those you love cry right?" All this time I'm crying afraid that I was in trouble. Nodding my answers to the questions. "Stop crying you know I love you dearly and my life wouldn't be the same without you but please don't hurt me anymore." He asked me to look up the word to find it's true definition. He also asked that I think about my words before I say them. He hugged me and we never discussed it again...there was no need.. I never let that word leave me mouth ever again.

From my limited memories this one has stuck with me and I know why. That day Marcel changed me he made me a more loving person. He showed me how to love someone even though they hurt you. I learned that understanding where someone is coming from is important. That even though your hurt you don't have to hurt back...that responding with love instead of hate can be the most important thing. Now to remember that daily and put it to use....

The rollercoster ride....

You twist your fingers into the back of my hair to pull my face up to meet your lips... that's the roller coaster taking off for me.
 Kissing me deeply tongues wrestling, breath comes faster....going up the first hill.... "How is my slut now?" you ask."perfect you have me".
 A strong yank on my hair exposing my throat to your teeth...that's the top of the first hill we're moving now. Eyes closed, knees weak waiting for the next move.
 Thrown down on the bed...we're flying down the hill....Your in control and I have none...I'm your wanton whore...waiting for you to devour.
"Open your cunt let me see you touch yourself"...up the second hill with a side roll....I do as I'm told. Exposing myself to you. Fingers plunging deep into my wetness.
"You can fuck yourself better than that!"...roll over to the other side stomach drops... I stuff my hand down to my knuckles trying to impress you Master.
"Not good enough whore let me show you."...sharp turn with sudden drop.... you bury your hand into my cunt. I scream out an orgasm, squirting around your fist.
From your arsenal of weapons you bring out the butt plug....a 3 loop barrel roll...my eyes wide. "Oh it's just the little one" you say.
With just the wetness from my cunt you shove it in my ass quick....90 degree turn going back up hill.... I beg for permission to orgasm this time. I get the nod of approval.
Your on top of me now. My nipple clamped between your teeth...cresting the last hill... the tip of your cock pressing into my cunt.
Mouth at my ear "I'm going to fuck you for my pleasure you may not cum at all understand?"....racing fast down into a dark tunnel.....You fill me with your cock.
Pounding me into the bed....I see the light coming closer...your thick, hard  cock driving me to the brink of orgasm.
Your cock pulsating inside of me.....we fly out of the tunnel into the blinding sunlight.... I feel you cum deep inside of me.
The pulse of your hips slow, your cock growing softer....the breaks at the end of this glorious ride.... You collapse onto me. Chest tight, hair a mess I don't want this ride to end...

Does he think I'm stupid...seriously...

For those of you who don't know there's a Facebook type website for kinky people. It's called Fetlife. Hubby and I are both members and just like on facebook we are linked  because we list each other as being married. Now onto my rant (yes it's a total bitch fest rant)

The other day I commented on a story posted to fetlife about your first time getting a Brazilian wax. Now I've been wanting to have a Brazilian done for a long time. In fact it's a weight loss goal of mine..I hit a certain weight loss goal and I get to FINALLY get my Brazilian done. So anyways I comment something to the effect of thanking the poster because I'm a huge chicken to inflicted non-sexual pain and that's really what had been stopping me (before it became a goal). Now today jumping in the bath he tells me he wants me to stop shaving my pussy. HUH???? Why???He's the one that convinced me years ago to start shaving. He hates me being even slightly fuzzy..if I haven't shaved I'm told to shave...so what's brought this on??? Oh I see now I remember my friend (whom I play with) had also read the same story and "liked" it (on fetlife it's love it but I digress) Is this always going to be a competition? I mean come on...I'm not going to stop shaving. I like how it feels...it's truly for my benefit...I'm really annoyed right now and yes I'm tired and bitchy like I said a total bitch fest around here!!! Next he's going to say no to my genital piercing once I reach my final weight goal...why must he always feel like he has to control me.... He's driving me away I just wish he'd realize it....

I got my play (truly a form of torture)...

Got to visit my good friend, the one who has been under the weather. He didn't feel so under the weather yesterday!!! AWESOMENESS!!! We tortured each other...I swear one day I will break if we don't get permission soon. Climb on top of him and just fuck him till neither one of us can move.

All night long I was wet... I started my night wet from being with him than add in the texts from him and well let's just say that by 2 all I could smell was my cunt..sopping wet isn't the word for it. I was so wet I could ring out my panties like a washcloth in a bathtub. Add my sex music play list in my ears all night and let's just say I got off 3 times just imagining him inside of me. We have to fix this soon... I'm not so pent up or stressed out anymore... now back to thinking of him before I go to sleep... YUMMY thoughts.... where's my dildo again???

Went to the local dungeon last night....

And well let's just say it didn't go great!!! Let me start with the good stuff..

They had a demo last night it was on hypnotism. That was the coolest part of the evening for me. The hypnotist was a great guy. He made it not scary at all. You could tell he loved talking about hypnotism and loved showing people how to do it. It was a great session and so much fun to participate and they interaction between him and his wife was so cute!!! He performed group hypnosis  and I went under very quick and pretty deep. I was a little shocked about how deep but everyone agreed they knew I'd go under. Apparently I'm easily influenced and everyone knows it!!! LOL

After the demo it was time for the play party. For those of you who don't know what a play party is..well it's at a dungeon there's your first clue... so anything kinky (except penetration) is going on all around you while in the dungeon. It was a relatively quiet party. Not too many people but there were some friends there as well as new people. Hubby opened up and actually talked to people that I wasn't interacting with (yes that's a huge deal) so I thought it was going to be a great night...I asked him while the dungeon was empty if he wanted to flog me...he turned me down...no big deal I let it go. We go and sit in the social area (couches chairs talking eating whatnot) and someone new shows interest in my shoes and compliments me in wearing 5 inch heels. Than here comes possessive hubby. He all of a sudden after 18 years of never touching my feet wants to rub my feet. We sit and chat for just a bit. I notice a friend has gone to play and I tell him I want to go watch. I go to watch and start a very innocent conversation with the one that liked my shoes. Hubby comes in and says he wants to give me to someone to play with but that he's too hungry he wants to leave. Now mind you we've been to a few parties like this..these people we know some we even talk to outside of kinky life. I ask him to wait til the scene is over he says OK. He can't seem to sit still and keeps complaining about being hungry. As soon as the scene ends we leave.

He wonders why I never get too excited to go to the dungeon with him. He keeps saying he'll play with me every time we go..than he backs out. I get  performance issues and all...let's keep it in check though..he doesn't have to get naked. We're not allowed to fuck so if his ED kicks in who cares nobody will know!!! If it's performing a flogging in front of everyone OK...well if you won't do it at home and you won't do it here..when will I ever get it???

He lets others play with me at the dungeon... sometimes...and only when he can truly control the scene. I feel we should stop going...but he is upset when I go alone. So the answer....I have no clue...just working this out as best as I can. Venting here helps me think things through so I know how to approach him when he does want to talk about what happened last night...I'm just hoping we can work things out... I'm pent up and stressed out... when after a good night of play I should be relaxed and zen...

Numb...

That's how I feel...numb... after this past week I really don't think I can handle much more. I'm so numb like I have no nerves what so ever. All I want to do is curl up with my Pooh Bear and my cat and go to sleep. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't want to think about this anymore. Why can't I be the type of parent who can just sweep things under the rug and forget about it all!

I want my little girl back. I want her to not have to worry about being pregnant. I want her to be a kid all over again. I miss our talks...I miss our shopping trips. I just miss her. She has changed. Sex does that to people and when your young and "in love" you don't think it changes you but it does. I can no longer think of her as an innocent little girl.

I can see a few positives to this situation...

1. They really do care for each other. It doesn't matter that they are so young..I feel they truly do love each other.

2. They used protection...so she does listen to some of my advice!!!

3. That even though our relationship has changed we'll be OK...we all just need to deal with this and move on.

And one day we will...but for now I'm going to have to grieve in a sense. I've lost her to the adult world and while I knew one day this would happen I was hoping for a bit more time with her. My childhood ended so very early in my life...I was trying to make hers different than mine was. I tried my best and I hope I've done of good job...I love her like crazy...it's so very hard to watch her grow up...

No longer a little girl...

I kissed my daughter last night and told her that I loved her. Up to that point I hadn't cried at all yesterday. I do love her unconditionally..no matter how upset I am that she had sex with her boyfriend, no matter time of day or how clean her room is...I love her. I knew this day would come. In some ways she's very much like me. She loves to cuddle to hug and touch. She loves her friends and would do just about anything for them. She has always been a very empathetic person...even when she didn't speak. She's a lover of all things happy and really she's a good kid in general. She wants to show her love and to be loved in return. I'm not saying I'm ok with this situation but it's something I understand.

So why did I get so upset yesterday. I got upset because she lied to me about it..she felt as though she couldn't tell me and that upsets me. We've always been able to talk about most things so what has changed between us. I'm upset that the only reason I found out is because her boyfriend wasn't listening to me. I sat there explaining why it was so very wrong,on a legal level, for him to send pics of his penis to her and all he was thinking about was what we were going to do about that baby. When he asked about the baby I about died. I ran outside to vomit...it was confirmed what I already suspected...they had sex. I'm upset over the fact that neither one of them are emotional ready for something like this. I'm upset that she's only 15 I was hoping for her to keep her innocence a bit longer than 15 years.

What information made yesterday's news a bit easier to digest? Well they used a condom for one!! I guess all these talks her and I have had worked on that bit!!! He claims to be a virgin so a bit less testing for her to have done at her very first appointment with a GYNO doctor. And I do feel as though they truly care for each other.

I know our relationship has changed. The next few weeks are going to be touchy. The emotional fall out from her and her father is going to stress me. But like all things this too shall pass.  One day our trust will rebuild. One day we'll laugh about all this. One day she'll open up to me again...I just miss my little girl!!!

How am I going to handle this????

Last night my daughter lost privileges to use her cell phone and Ipod (OMG WE TOOK HER MUSIC WE SUCK AS PARENTS LOL). She was mouthy and disrespectful to her dad. I was sleeping when this all happened. So I awoke to her being upset, him being upset and her boyfriend spreading our family issues all over his Facebook. Needless to say we took possession over the Ipod and the phone. Informed her I didn't appreciate her boyfriends remarks on  Facebook that I would be having a discussion with him about that and told her I loved her, to get some sleep and off to work I went.

About 2 hours later hubby texts me at work..."We need to talk do you have a minute?" My mind immediately goes to the dark side. Oh shit he's having a panic attack...did I talk about someone too much...did I  not tell him something I posted on Fetlife (facebook for kinky people)... my mind goes into my panic mode...did I not do something right and he's feeling threatened??? I'm not alone I text back than make my exit to the bathroom. Next text is from my daughter's phone a picture of a erect penis....I freeze...WTF IS THAT? Well I know what it is but how in the hell is it coming from her number!!! Hubby texts....more like that on her phone...from boyfriend's number... plus other texts her calling him Master... I run to the bathroom to vomit. Today is going to be a very very long day. I kept her home from school to talk to her...no way can hubby handle this at all...she wouldn't survive.

She's a very good kid...a great head on her shoulders and I know kids experiment...but I want to know what she knows. I want to know she's safe and that texts is how far it has gone. I want to make sure this doesn't get out. There's an age difference and I wouldn't want a good kids life wrecked if it were to get around that he sent these pics. I know that she's growing up and that's hard to handle..but I want her to be safe..yet be herself...yet be 15!!! Enjoy being a kid...you only get to do it for just so long!!! I think I need a drink!!! Wish me luck!!!

Having memories....

I love making great memories with my family. I have some really good memories of my childhood. I also have some really bad ones. I also have blocks of time that I don't remember at all.  My short term memory is horrible but once I can get the info down deep it's in there forever.

I was involved in a car accident when I was 13 years old. A drunk driver hit us head on at a very high rate of speed and out the windshield I flew. I bounced off his car...came back onto our car than rolled down a 50ft. embankment into a drainage ditch. I actually don't remember the accident at all...I actually don't remember much from that summer at all. I do remember facts of that summer...it was the summer before my freshman year of high school...I had long beautiful blond hair... and I had never heard of manic-depressive disorder or Post traumatic stress disorder before. But with the decision of one very drunk man my world changed. I no longer had long beautiful blond hair (shaved off)... they weren't sure I would start high school...and now I was manic-depressive with PTSD (which was called something else back than and I can't remember what). Let's just say I was a mess in many different ways.

When I woke up I was never so scared in my life. Tubes were down my throat, my limbs were strapped down, my head hurt like nothing I had every experienced before and I was alone. It was dark in the room and my eyes had a very hard time focusing. One eye wouldn't open the whole way (later to find out that I suffered from  Bells Palsy, 1/2 of face looked like it had fallen). After coming around and finally getting all tubes removed and promising with all my heart that I would be a good girl so they would remove the restraints I finally got  to look in the mirror and what I saw is something I'll never forget. The easiest way I have ever been able to describe what I saw was to say imagine someone went face first into a brick wall at a very high rate of speed...that was me. Right side of my face was frozen in a scary 1/2 grimace, bald, 2 black eyes, stitches on my forehead...even more where they did brain surgery...my nose was swollen and lots of bruises and scratches. And I had 2 weeks to heal before I saw myself. Every move had to be thought about thoroughly. I had to learn to walk again, talk without drooling, and all other mundane yet now very exciting daily movements!!

I was lucky...I was young and pretty healthy besides the accident. Walking was down in a few days, talking came back the quickest (SURPRISED??LOL) Physically I was going to heal...it was what was going on inside my brain that was the scariest. Once released I still had to be driven back home...getting in a car was torturous. I hid under my blanket clutching my bear crying the whole way. I could not and would not ever get in the front seat for 3 years...not even to get a ride in a very fancy sports car that was a 2 seater my uncle bought!! Add in that I now had brain damage and had to wear a wig. Emotionally I was all over the place. I went on long horse rides for hours at a time. My mother got so concerned on one such trip, because I took my pellet gun, she sent the sheriffs after me. After that she sent me to see my first shrink. That's when I was diagnosed as manic-depressive with what is now know as PTSD. They tried to medicate me but that never seemed to help. In fact some made the dreams worse others turned me into a zombie of my former self.

I started my freshman year on time which was scary yet very exciting. School had always been very easy for me. I was reading, writing and doing basic math by the time I was 4. So once I started to struggle with my school work I was more scared than ever. My brain wasn't what I knew it was. My advance placement was being threatened. My parents just kept telling me I was boy crazy and needed to settle down and try harder. What they didn't understand I was trying my hardest. My older brothers all had learning disabilities, I was the only one that was typical in our family, yet now I struggled. Feeling as though I had had a brain transplant. My thought process was different, my emotions were different, I was erratic and thrill seeking. I found alcohol  to be a very good sedative...it stopped the dreams. Dreams where I awoke pieced back together that some version of Frankenstein.

So why do I write about all this now? Well in the past 4 months I've been involved in 2 car accidents.  The first one I rear ended someone and that one I handled pretty well emotionally. I was by myself in the car and truly it was an accident. I've been much better about making sure I'm not sleepy when driving ever since than. I feel asleep at the wheel!! Yesterday was the second accident. My boys were with me safely in the back seat. The other driver turned left, right into the front left corner of my car. Her car had much more damage than my SUV and physically everyone was fine!! It was when my boys were taken home by my hubby that I lost it and went into full on panic mode. I needed them close, I needed to touch them again make sure that they we're OK. Racing through my mind was all the what ifs and what could of happened and I couldn't shut down my mind quick enough. Panic in all it's terror set in and I proceeded to breakdown. Hubby came back to me to wait out for the tow truck and police found me in the back seat of the car...clutching a blanket crying. Last night horrible vivid dreams of my boy lying in a hospital bed banged up and in a coma. It was like I should of been looking at me at 13 but instead it was my boy. I awoke sweat soaked shaking uncontrollably and sobbing. PTSD sucks but at least I understand it and with time this too shall pass...my boys are fine, I'm fine, that car will get fixed. It all could of been worse. Writing it out helps... now to continue with my life...